I went to Applefest in Bayfield, WI this weekend and watched a parade. It was your typical small town parade with a bunch of high school marching bands and 50 year old alcoholics, driving even older cars, throwing candy at the crowd. Nothing makes you reconsider your position on mandatory sterilization like a parade.
A parade is like a microcosm of our society gone awry. It’s like an overpopulated post-apocalyptic, greed-induced, anarchistic, capitalist frenzy of a freak show that makes “Beyond the Thunderdome” look like a PTA meeting. For some reason parents turn their “I’m Responsible for My Child’s Actions System” (IRM-CAS) down to zero. Granted, on a scale of one to ten (it should go to eleven), it’s usually on setting one any way. Zero being, you know, just that much more annoying.
“Oh look. Ethan is having so much fun stealing candy found on the street from other children. Just look at him spilling his oversized soda on that guy and repeatedly poking that lady in the face by waving his little plastic sword wildly in the air. See that old man in the wheel chair that got here three hours early to see his grand-daughter play in the parade just one last time before he dies? I’m sure he’s not at all annoyed by the fact that my little Ethan is now standing directly in front him with his big novelty cowboy hat blocking the view. Isn’t that cute?”
No. No. A thousand times no.
At this point many of you are chuckling and saying to yourselves: “I hate that. I’m glad my kid isn’t like that.” My friend, you just turned your IRM-CAS completely off. Trust me, your kids may be adorable to you, but to the rest of us, they’re loud, obnoxious little trolls designed to test our patience. Your kids, like everyone else’s, are self absorbed, single minded need machines with an unquenchable thirst for destruction. They’re like little Terminators, but instead of Sarah Connor, they hunt and kill the happiness of every adult stranger they encounter.
“But they’re just kids, what do you expect?” I know. I get that. Trust me, when I was five years old I couldn’t sit still for an hour or even explain, in the most rudimentary of ways, how general relativity or Newtonian physics affects our understanding of the universe. I was stupid and irritating.
Saying: “Well he’s just being a kid so it’s OK for him to scream and throw ice cream at passers-by.” is like saying: “It’s OK that I went to the playground, pissed myself and screamed obscenities from the top of the jungle gym because I was really really drunk”. It’s just not an excuse. Being a kid doesn’t somehow make you less annoying or stupid just like being drunk doesn’t make me less annoying or stupid. Trust me, I’ve seen video.
“Oh she’s so smart, she’s already reading at a 3rd grade level.” Yeah? Well I’ve got news for you… 3rd graders are idiots.
A parade is like a microcosm of our society gone awry. It’s like an overpopulated post-apocalyptic, greed-induced, anarchistic, capitalist frenzy of a freak show that makes “Beyond the Thunderdome” look like a PTA meeting. For some reason parents turn their “I’m Responsible for My Child’s Actions System” (IRM-CAS) down to zero. Granted, on a scale of one to ten (it should go to eleven), it’s usually on setting one any way. Zero being, you know, just that much more annoying.
“Oh look. Ethan is having so much fun stealing candy found on the street from other children. Just look at him spilling his oversized soda on that guy and repeatedly poking that lady in the face by waving his little plastic sword wildly in the air. See that old man in the wheel chair that got here three hours early to see his grand-daughter play in the parade just one last time before he dies? I’m sure he’s not at all annoyed by the fact that my little Ethan is now standing directly in front him with his big novelty cowboy hat blocking the view. Isn’t that cute?”
No. No. A thousand times no.
At this point many of you are chuckling and saying to yourselves: “I hate that. I’m glad my kid isn’t like that.” My friend, you just turned your IRM-CAS completely off. Trust me, your kids may be adorable to you, but to the rest of us, they’re loud, obnoxious little trolls designed to test our patience. Your kids, like everyone else’s, are self absorbed, single minded need machines with an unquenchable thirst for destruction. They’re like little Terminators, but instead of Sarah Connor, they hunt and kill the happiness of every adult stranger they encounter.
“But they’re just kids, what do you expect?” I know. I get that. Trust me, when I was five years old I couldn’t sit still for an hour or even explain, in the most rudimentary of ways, how general relativity or Newtonian physics affects our understanding of the universe. I was stupid and irritating.
Saying: “Well he’s just being a kid so it’s OK for him to scream and throw ice cream at passers-by.” is like saying: “It’s OK that I went to the playground, pissed myself and screamed obscenities from the top of the jungle gym because I was really really drunk”. It’s just not an excuse. Being a kid doesn’t somehow make you less annoying or stupid just like being drunk doesn’t make me less annoying or stupid. Trust me, I’ve seen video.
“Oh she’s so smart, she’s already reading at a 3rd grade level.” Yeah? Well I’ve got news for you… 3rd graders are idiots.
8 comments:
I think you're on track to invent a new art form called "stand-up blogging." Can you attack the handicapped next? Please, pretty please?
Coming soon on Malaproposition:
"Your handicap doesn't make me feel sorry for you."
"Your baby died. Get over it."
"That little thing you do with your hair, it's not cute and adorable, trust me."
"Even my friends are assholes."
"Old people are overrated."
"Bite me, Ukraine."
"Your baby died. Get over it."
Awesome.
I'll take that one up some day. But I will go on record that old people are overrated. Maybe that's tomorrow's topic.
Stand-up blogging. Awesome.
Bite me, Ukraine?
Ukraine has been pissing me off lately. The game "Risk" has given them a self-important attitude. "Ohhhh we're so big and blue. We're the strategic gateway to Europe and Asia. You must respect us."
Bastards.
I see. Well, lest we get a little carried away with our attacks on Ukraine, let us not forget the country boasts some of the most beautiful women in the world, and apparently they all want to me us.
Of course I meant "meet us." Stupid comment box malfunction.
Post a Comment