Alright, I can no longer remain silent on this subject. This whole Twilight saga has really been taking a toll on my psychological and yes, even physical well-being. For starters, it’s not a saga. A saga is a long, detailed account of Icelandic and Nordic adventurers and heroes that were written between the twelfth and thirteenth centuries AD. These are deep, culturally significant tales that are, quite literally, epic. They define the culture of an entire race of people. Three vampire movies does not a saga make. Referring to this pathetically transparent story-line as a “saga” is like comparing a bottle rocket to a nuclear missile. Sure they both shoot in the air and they both explode but one has a little more significance. I’m not sure that’s the best analogy because while a true saga has the significance of a nuclear missile, it lacks the destructive power of the Twilight series. Either way, whether it be missiles or bad vampire movies I fear the end of civilization is near.
From what I understand, the plot line goes something like this. Stupid teenage girl meets intriguingly shy vampire boy. Then some fucking werewolves show up and fuck up everything. Now the stupid girl can’t decide whether she wants to eventually be killed by a vampire or eaten alive by a werewolf. Which, of course, sadly never happens. That about sums it up right? There seems to be a spate of “vampire versus werewolf” movies out there. When exactly did these two completely fictional memes become (im)mortal enemies? Is this concept the brain-child of the same people who gave us “Alien vs. Predator”? Or is it simply the fact that the author realized after the first book that she forgot to include conflict or any other compelling component in her story? “I know! We’ll make them fight werewolves! People will totally buy that crap!”. She was right.
In the interest of full disclosure I have only seen the first of the three movies. I was duped into it: “Oh it’s a movie about vampires? That could be cool. Is Wesley Snipes in it?” No. He is not. So how can I claim to understand the complexities and nuances of this great tale of romance and conflict? Let me reiterate, I’ve seen the first movie. That is sufficient. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I can see why a thirteen-year-old girl might relate to this trite, maudlin, vacuous story. Because let’s face it, most thirteen-year-old girls are trite, maudlin and vacuous. And let’s not forget stupid. That’s just a function of being thirteen. On the flip-side of the gender equation, this explains why thirteen-year-old boys watch pro wrestling. It’s the same thing, but with slightly more homo-erotic undertones.
But here’s what I don’t get. How did this become something that forty-year-old women obsess over? This phenomenon has evolved to the point where women who are old enough to have children who are too old for this nonsense can carry on an hour-long conversation about the merits of “Team Jacob” and lament their frustration over Bella’s hesitant indecisiveness. For that matter I don’t see the appeal of Ultimate Fighter Brock Lesnar to forty-year-old men. Again, same thing, just a little bit more gay. But let’s face it, this is a chick thing. This is the pre-menopausal equivalent of a mid-life crisis. You know who you are. These are otherwise intelligent, accomplished women. Some of you I consider very dear friends, and don’t worry, I still love you.
But please, I am begging you. Please do not post your insights on TwilightMoms.com (yes, it exists), or go to Hot Topic and buy any of a thousand pieces of Twilight-Brand merchandise. We have suffered enough. If I visit my parents over Christmas and find my mom thumbing through a copy of “Eclipse” I’m holding you personally responsible. This whole thing would have passed into obscurity if you weren’t feeding the beast. Let’s face it, by now most teen-age girls with their breathtakingly short attention-spans would have moved on to the next ridiculous fad. Please, let’s let this stupid, cultural-kick-in-the-groin die a slow painful death -- like Bella should have.
