Spit.
Sorry, it just isn’t. In particular there are two places it’s specifically wrong to spit:
1.) The bathroom
2.) Everywhere else
I swear to all things holy and just that at least one full third of the adult male population spits directly into the urinal in public restrooms while relieving themselves. What the fuck is this compulsion about? I am not the only one who can’t figure this out.
What's with the spitting in the urinal?
All of my coworkers spit into urinals?
Men's bathroom habits
I could go on. The point is, this is a universal phenomenon for which there is absolutely no excuse or explanation. The only reason to be spitting anywhere near a bathroom is because you’ve been vomiting so hard that you are actually bleeding from the eyes. If that’s you, I’ll give you a pass. Let me be clear about to whom I am referring here. These are the habitual spitters. These are people who walk outside and immediately start spitting. Then spit again. This goes on about every 15 seconds. I'm not even sure they are aware they are doing it. They can carry on a conversation with their spitting brethren alternating their spitting so that a steady stream of spit is constantly flying around and building up on the sidewalk.
Back to the Urinal Spitters.
“But I need to spit, so isn’t it better that I do it in the urinal?” Fuck you. You do not NEED to spit (with the exception of the aforementioned bleeding from the eyes scenario). You don’t sit at the table in a restaurant and spit on the floor or in a spittoon or in a little plastic cup, you wait until you are outside or in front of a urinal. Once there, let the festival of unnecessary expectoration begin. You are capable of controlling this so exercise a little self-control and dignity and behave like a human who is cognizant of the fact that we live a fucking society. Not everyone in this society is happy to wade through a river of your saliva.
My God. Who are these people?
There are some generalizations and stereotypes I would like to make specifically relating to the "Urinal Spitters" (you know who you are). Obviously the Urinal Spitter is a man. Though rare, I have seen women habitually spit outside, but never at a urinal. So this is a guy thing. There also seems to be a racial component to this. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a black, Asian or Hispanic man do this--this is a white guy thing. Once men reach a certain age this compulsion seems to fade. I see very few of America’s greatest generation spitting into a stream of their own urine. So the universe of common violators are white males typically ranging in age from 20-40. Of this universe I estimate that fully half are wearing baseball caps. If under the age of 27 these baseball caps are turned backwards. As men age the baseball cap tends to start turning itself forward. This demographic tends to be outwardly social but often displays a high degree of self absorption indicating they mimic the behavior of others in order to “fit in” (hence the identical baseball caps). Finally, with this display of spitting at their pee, I can only assume that this is an attempt to somehow show dominion over their own urine. Disturbing. Do you know what this profile is? Who else fits this profile? Go on, you’re thinking it…
Serial killers.
Yes. The bottom line here is the next time you see some 26 year old jock with an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and a Minnesota Twins baseball cap spitting at a urinal, you should immediately call the police. He is only one expectorating step away from going on a homicidal rampage.
Sorry, it just isn’t. In particular there are two places it’s specifically wrong to spit:
1.) The bathroom
2.) Everywhere else
I swear to all things holy and just that at least one full third of the adult male population spits directly into the urinal in public restrooms while relieving themselves. What the fuck is this compulsion about? I am not the only one who can’t figure this out.
What's with the spitting in the urinal?
All of my coworkers spit into urinals?
Men's bathroom habits
I could go on. The point is, this is a universal phenomenon for which there is absolutely no excuse or explanation. The only reason to be spitting anywhere near a bathroom is because you’ve been vomiting so hard that you are actually bleeding from the eyes. If that’s you, I’ll give you a pass. Let me be clear about to whom I am referring here. These are the habitual spitters. These are people who walk outside and immediately start spitting. Then spit again. This goes on about every 15 seconds. I'm not even sure they are aware they are doing it. They can carry on a conversation with their spitting brethren alternating their spitting so that a steady stream of spit is constantly flying around and building up on the sidewalk.
Back to the Urinal Spitters.
“But I need to spit, so isn’t it better that I do it in the urinal?” Fuck you. You do not NEED to spit (with the exception of the aforementioned bleeding from the eyes scenario). You don’t sit at the table in a restaurant and spit on the floor or in a spittoon or in a little plastic cup, you wait until you are outside or in front of a urinal. Once there, let the festival of unnecessary expectoration begin. You are capable of controlling this so exercise a little self-control and dignity and behave like a human who is cognizant of the fact that we live a fucking society. Not everyone in this society is happy to wade through a river of your saliva.
My God. Who are these people?
There are some generalizations and stereotypes I would like to make specifically relating to the "Urinal Spitters" (you know who you are). Obviously the Urinal Spitter is a man. Though rare, I have seen women habitually spit outside, but never at a urinal. So this is a guy thing. There also seems to be a racial component to this. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a black, Asian or Hispanic man do this--this is a white guy thing. Once men reach a certain age this compulsion seems to fade. I see very few of America’s greatest generation spitting into a stream of their own urine. So the universe of common violators are white males typically ranging in age from 20-40. Of this universe I estimate that fully half are wearing baseball caps. If under the age of 27 these baseball caps are turned backwards. As men age the baseball cap tends to start turning itself forward. This demographic tends to be outwardly social but often displays a high degree of self absorption indicating they mimic the behavior of others in order to “fit in” (hence the identical baseball caps). Finally, with this display of spitting at their pee, I can only assume that this is an attempt to somehow show dominion over their own urine. Disturbing. Do you know what this profile is? Who else fits this profile? Go on, you’re thinking it…
Serial killers.
Yes. The bottom line here is the next time you see some 26 year old jock with an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and a Minnesota Twins baseball cap spitting at a urinal, you should immediately call the police. He is only one expectorating step away from going on a homicidal rampage.
P.S. - Failure to adhere to acceptable etiquette practices can have disastrous results. See: Male Restroom Etiquette
6 comments:
What I want to know is:
Do men (the ones compelled to spit all the time) have such an excess amount of saliva in their mouths that they can't help but spit it out because swallowing it would result in a bloated stomach?
And on the topic of annoying things people do in a public bathroom...
In the women's bathroom, there is a breed of women who are compelled to stand outside the stall door and talk to you while you are "occupied." Or, if they are lucky enough to come in contact with each other, they have total conversations with each other through the stall doors, often times very personal and inappropriate for public ears.
"You won't believe what my boyfriend did last night." (pee pee pee) "He totally tried to come in my mouth." (sound of toilet paper being pulled, followed by wiping sounds)
"He DIDN't." (fart) "Last time Jon tried that with me," (splashing sounds) "I totally threw up all over him."
I'm not a prude and I'm not one of those people who can't pee in public, however, I DO NOT want to listen to this while I'm in a public bathroom.
Wow! Revelational information! (About women in public bathrooms, I mean.)
I was a little bit uncomfortable with Malaprop's willingness to divulge men's bathroom secrets, but after seeing the results (from Patina) I'd say he's vindicated.
I hadn't given much thought to the spit-in-bathroom thing, but now that he's mentioned it I'd say it's true. I'd say probably his percentages are a bit skewed (maybe he pees with younger men than I do?), but this is definitely a real phenomenon.
Here's another thing I've noticed about men in public bathrooms. A distinct percentage of men are extremely wary of touching anything in a public bathroom. They are so spooked by the idea of this that they will use their feet to flush the toilet or urinal. (Let's take a moment to visualize this...)
But here's the kicker. These very same dudes often don't wash their hands after finishing their business. I guess this makes some sort of sense. I read recently that surveys show only 55 percent of men do the hand washing thing, whereas 85 percent or so of women do.
I gotta weigh in on this one.
Hand Washing
Bathrooms are dirty. Granted, they are made all the more so by the non-hand washers. However, I bathe at home. I am clean. My penis is clean. Unless I actually manage to pee on my hand (and it happens from time to time) I'm not sure I need to wash up after peeing. If I wash, then I have to touch more dirty stuff in that filthy bathroom: sink, soap dispenser, towel dispenser, etc. So in the interest of curbing the spread of germs and disease, I often skip the hand-washing.
On the other hand, if the bathroom has an automated sink, automated soap, and automated towel dispenser, I will wash. But then I have to touch the filthy door handle on my way out, so my hand is now dirtier than my penis. The only remedy to this is to wait until someone else comes in or leaves and then slip out the door without having to touch it.
Spitting
I like to spit in the urinal. But only in private. Never if Scott is standing next to me telling me about how he tried to come in his girlfriend's mouth last night.
Pooping
If you're like me, you prefer to poop alone. I've never heard anyone say they prefer to have a "neighbor" present in the adjacent stall. Thus, when I walk into the bathroom at work with a deuce to drop, I'll only go into a stall if both stalls are empty.
Invariably, though, some mouth breather will quickly show up and, without hesitation or consideration, sit down in the next stall and drop his load. I am now aggressively flipping him off with both hands behind the thin metal wall. Now some of you are saying, "What's the difference? You don't know who each other are. Anonymous pooping is just as good as solitary pooping." And you would be the jackass in the next stall that I'm flipping off right now. At my office, it ain't anonymous. I recognize your shoes. I can see your fucking security badge clipped to your belt. Now I know how you poop. And next time we're in a meeting, all I'm going to be thinking about is what you sound like when you poop... and that you only wiped once... what the FUCK is up with that?
Patina... I love you. That's all I can say about that.
As far as the hand washing, Kuni stole some of my thunder. I'll go on record that I always wash my hands... but more out of a force of habit. The idea being that regular hand washing tends to reduce the chances you get ill and as long as a sink is there, might as well. But to the point, my penis is probably the cleanest part of my body. Way cleaner than my hands. So I have actually started to wash my hands before and after I use the facilities.
And yes, more men than not understand the rules. But I'll be damned if a third of them don't. Probably the same percentage of spitters as there are sit in the stall next to you. How many floors are there in this building? Find another men's room asshole.
Failure to adhere to the basic tenants of men's room etiquette can have grave consequences.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw
I'll post that in the main article now as well.
Then there's this little gem. It's a little old Flash game, circa 1995-ish, where you choose the "correct" urinal in various situations. It's not as cut and dried as you might think.
Here's a news story pertaining to this exact topic.
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