I like to watch the TV news with the volume all the way off. Not because it’s too depressing, but it’s more fun that way. Like a game. However, this game is becoming increasingly boring. You see, the challenge is to try to figure out the content of the story by just interpreting the images and the expressions on people’s faces. It’s an exercise in perception. But something has gone terribly wrong over the last few years. There is simply no challenge any more.Last night I saw the headline, “Duck Hunter Rescued” flash atop the screen. Immediately I began asking myself the questions: “Where was he lost? How long had he been missing? Was the rescue daring or intriguing in some way?” This is just the sort of story that is fun because I have no historical reference for the participants or the situation. I mean, it’s not like a story where Bush is on the screen and I have to guess whether or not he is doing or saying something stupid. This one could be a real puzzler.
I was excited.
The next shot is of two guys sitting, press-conference style, one guy with his mullet flowing freely and one wearing duck hunting camouflage gear. “Who rescued who? I ask myself--forgetting for a moment that at least one of these guys actually dressed up in duck hunting gear for the purpose of giving this interview.
Camo guy looked very serious, he was obviously the rescuer, while mullet man was obviously the idiot who got lost. But how was this rescue effected? Then a slow, menacing zoom shot of an old Nokia 6010 cel phone lingered on the screen.
For the love of all things holy.
So this is it. Some idiot wanders into a field and some other guy sees him and uses his cel phone to “rescue” him? This was the “news”, the big dramatic story. How banal. What does this say about us and our news? Have we gotten so stupid that anything more complicated would not be possible for the average viewer to follow or understand?
Of course.
But the underlying issue here is much more sinister. We have officially lost the ability to discriminate between the routine and the extraordinary. Everything is equally important. Equally newsworthy. “Girl falls down steps and skins knee” is just as compelling a headline as “Iran nukes Israel”. I don’t blame the media for the ever-increasing dumbing-down of the news or TV in general. I don’t believe there is any conspiracy to create a country of idiots who run around buying bacteria-killing toilet paper at Wal-Mart and selling hamburgers to one another. Trust me, if people didn't watch it, it wouldn't be on. The inescapable conclusion? We’re stupid.
I'm not sure if we're getting dumber or if we were always this dumb but much less obvious about it. Maybe it's that we're no longer ashamed of being dumb. I just don't know. Maybe that's because I have also become too stupid to think my way through the problem. I am not sure of that either.
I feel a pattern coming on.
All this has the makings of a classic philosophical conundrum. "If a tree fell in the forest and no one was there to hear it, except for some functionally retarded duck hunter, would it make a noise?" The answer is yes. But it wouldn't be the noise of a tree falling. It would be the noise of some mullet-headed hick screaming in pain because he tied the tree to the bumper of his '96 F150 pickup to try to move it three feet to the left so he could build a better duck blind, thereby forcing the tree to fall on his truck crushing the can of Budweiser he had tucked in between his legs directly into his testicles.
If Charles Darwin were alive today, I would simply sit him down to watch the news and say: “Nice theory. So how do you explain this one Chuck? How come these people keep procreating?” He would remove his glasses with a pained expression and rub his temples while shaking his head and repeating… “Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?”
3 comments:
Darwin would say to you, in your scenario, "ah, but you zee," (for some reason he will affect a German accent), "my theoree iz shtill quite valid. For the schtupid duck hunter he has lost his procreative abilities in zee budweiser accident!"
Touche' "Anonymous". However, too little too late. We can only assume that by the time he's old enough to drive he has already impregnated his wife, his cousin and at least one of the poor goats roaming in the back yard.
So I have received some criticism regarding this post. Granted, not my most thoughtful or articulate musing, but I feel I must defend it such as it is. The criticism comes from a guy I know who likes to read this blog but never actually posts anything. Rather he lays out his critique to me in person. Let’s call him “Mr. X.”
In algebraic terms… X = Pat Kuntz.
Here’s the deal. My point is two-fold; first, people are stupid and second this has caused the quality of our media to degrade. I used this particular story just to set the context, it could have been anything. I retain the right to embellish in order to make my point. However, I have been informed by Mr. X that my artful analysis of the story about these two guys was somewhat off. What apparently happened was that two guys were out duck hunting on a boat and they capsized their boat. One of them couldn’t swim so the other held up his buddy in the lake treading water for 5 ours until such time as he could use his still working cel. phone to call for help and have help arrive. I think the exact quote from Mr. X was: “He treaded water for 5 hours, he’s a fucking hero!”
Sigh.
OK, point one. These people are stupid. I submit that my silent analysis is correct. Listen, these guys were out in the middle of a lake and one of them didn’t know how to swim. They weren’t wearing life jackets and they managed to tip their boat over. Let’s presume that they were sober (unlikely) and one of these guys actually treaded water for 5 hours. Did it occur to him that maybe in 5 hours he could teach his buddy how to swim—or least maybe how to tread water on his own? I mean Jesus Christ, in five hours I could teach a room full of 10 year olds how to juggle. Oh, and the boat didn’t sink mind you. So they had this floating boat to hang on to, they just couldn’t get back in so saying this guy treaded water for five hours is a little misleading. If it was weather related (as they claim) what the hell were they doing out on a lake with a storm coming in with a little flat bottom duck boat? Turn on the engine and get the fuck back to shore. Also, I can pretty much guarantee you that this “Hero” is the dumbshit who stood up and tipped their boat over… he was huge. I would imagine that he maybe saw a duck and jumped up tipping their little boat over. Do these sound like the actions of smart people? I think not.
So point two, this is not newsworthy. It isn’t. Sure, if Mr. X and I were out sailing and he treaded water for five hours to save my life I would appreciate it, but I wouldn’t expect to be put on TV and have him called a hero. This is exactly the point, two idiots who get themselves into a pickle and in spite of their own stupidity still manage to survive isn’t news, it certainly isn’t good news. It’s actually a little sad. You see, turning these morons into heroes is the exact problem in the first place. “Man Treads water for 5 hours.” Is not the kind of headline I find newsworthy. If he chewed his own leg off and carried the unconscious body of friend through 50 miles of wilderness after fighting off a pack of wild dogs and multiple bear attacks using only some fishing line and a pocket knife… OK, that’s a story I want to hear. But two morons managing to survive in spite of themselves doesn’t cut it for me.
The problem here is that by putting this drivel on the news it glorifies these idiots to the point where otherwise intelligent, rational people start calling them heroes. This is detrimental to our society as a whole when there are actual heroes out there doing things that make a positive difference in the world.
In summary I stand behind my argument.
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