I just hit my 90 day status as a new employee. This means I now have access the 401K, insurance programs, etc. This also means I have a bunch of new forms to fill out. I am routinely confronted with forms--as are we all. Forms for new insurance coverage, warranty claim forms, new customer forms, account registration forms, new credit card application forms… the list goes on. Especially online... websites of all shapes and sizes have forms. But since I have been divorced I have noticed a part of the form I never paid much attention to before: "Marital Status".As someone in the marketing business, I understand the drive to know your demographic. But are there really more than two states of marital status? You are either married or you are not. Right? Why does my bank need to know I am divorced in order to grant me access to the online bill pay system? Isn't "Not Married" a sufficient answer? I can see this if you are registering for an online dating service (really the only circumstance under which you might actually lie), but I just want to see how my 401K is doing.
Dear Anonymous Automated Online Form Generation System,
Mind your own fucking business! Listen, I am not particularly embarrassed about the fact that I am divorced. It wasn’t my idea. I feel I kept up my part of the “for better or for worse” contract. But it’s not something I am proud of either. It’s called a “failed marriage”. I was part of that. I was part of the failure. There’s no way around that one. Thanks for the reminder asshole.
Where’s the fucking check box for: “Married, but unhappy about it.” or “Married, but my husband is cheating on me and we sleep in separate rooms.”? Where’s the box for: “Re-Married for the 4th time because I am too emotionally needy to forge a life comprised of mutual respect and dignity.”? I’ll tell you where that it is. It’s in a database field filed under “None of your God damned business” – right where my divorce papers should be.
Like it or not there is a stigma about divorce in this country. I cringe at every late-night car financing commercial I see:
Bad Credit? – No Problem!
Bankruptcy? – No Problem!
Divorce? – No Problem!
One of these kids doesn’t belong.
In other words: “Are you a loser? Have you failed in the game of life? Are you a lazy, stupid drain on our otherwise productive society? If yes, I’ve got the product for you!” What the fuck does being divorced have to do your ability to finance a car? You either have the money and the credit or you do not.
Bad Credit?
Bankruptcy?
Syphilis?
Chronic Halitosis?
Child Abuser?
Crippling Emotional Dependencies?
Convicted Sex Offender?
Or God forbid… DIVORCED?
No Problem!
Yeah? Well I have a fucking problem. You can take your self-righteous, stigmatizing, homogeneous, stereotyping form and shove it up your ass.
Love,
Scott
P.S. – Bite me Ukraine.
You see, the thing is, these forms are like a little life-synopsis. They are the digital age's Cliff's Notes of "This is Your Life". These are the daily gauges of how many times you've been around the sun, how successful you are and your relative position in the world. I used to get to that question and proudly answer: "Single! Yes that's right, I am living the single life of a bachelor on the move. The world is a wilderness of hope and opportunity and I am ready to stake my claim." Then I proudly answered: "Married! Yep, that's me--a mature, responsible adult building a life with someone and creating the foundation for a strong family." Who the hell wants to say: "Divorced! Yeah... that was pretty fucked up right there."?
I'll tell you who. Pathetic narcissists with a sense of self-entitlement that only victim-hood can validate, or self-important misanthropes that pride themselves on screwing people over to get what they want.
Can I opt out?
6 comments:
Amen, brother.
Funny thing about this, half of us in this country are divorced now--so the information is rather statistically irrelevant.
This thing you have about Ukraine is very disturbing to me. Perhaps what you need most is an introduction to this country against which you are obviously prejudiced. Scott, meet Ukraine. Ukraine, Scott.
I have nothing against Ukraine or its' fine, industrious people. For some reason Marc Conklin added that random quip to one of my posts and it somehow struck me as funny. Just keeping his little inside joke alive.
From now on, if I feel compelled to arbitrarily mock another nation, I'll stick to France.
Cheers.
And now for something completely different.
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=bourgeoisie
Funny, random drunk guy, I was thinking of the bourgeois in relation to Marc Conklin's last post. Something about interviewing Gen Yers and being disgruntled about it and feeling like the "you kids keep off the grass" cranky neighbor. Sounded like the complaints of the bourgoisie. Too many options. Too much property for your own good.
But then I have no idea what your comment was about. Random air.
"We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties"
I was also going to add, if I were a banker--which I would never be, except in some sort of strange alternative universe in which Spock was all full of himself and Kirk was a random wimpy guy with no backbone--I think I'd be better served by changing that damn box to isolate, instead of those people who'd been divorced, those people who'd never actually ever been married.
In fact, I'd say "check this box if you've never been in a relationship longer than ten weeks." This is because, in my humble experience, those folks are the truly fucked up people--who can't be trusted when the chips are down or the going gets tough. They have, after all, no ability whatsoever to commit one way or another. At the very least, the divorced folk have made the plunge at least once in their g-d lives and know what's at stake, even we they fuck it all up in the end. At least we've been willing to go out on a limb, unlike you fucking noncommittal bastards.
See, I can rant too when I feel like it...
Nice rant. I like it.
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