Greek Tradgedy

The world is catching Olympic fever. Which is appropriate because it’s making me ill. I have a really hard time getting excited about the Olympics. I am not sure why. I am un-moved by the spirit of the games and the unity of global competition. Maybe it’s because in these difficult times, it’s sometimes hard to focus on the big picture. It could be that I am simply too pre-occupied with my daily life to appreciate the magical nature of the planet coming together as one while embracing the tradition and spirit of sportsmanship and personal achievement. Or, it could be that I don’t give a shit because they are boring, stupid and pointless.

As a child, I had always imagined that the Olympics were about determining who is the best in the World at something... something important. I got that stuck in my head and there it has remained all these years. Perhaps it’s because this is what they were originally designed to do… find out who are the fastest, strongest and most enduring athletes on the planet. However, in an effort to completely avoid learning this information, the IOC has provided us with the modern Olympic Games. The Olympics shouldn’t be about just anything. Given enough time I could be the best in the World at throwing water balloons into a top-hat while moon-walking. In fact, I may already be. Now imagine this stupid, ridiculous and pointless activity being called a sport and split up into the “Ten Yard Women’s Pairs Water Balloon Moon-walk Hat Toss” and the “Men’s Singles Two-Yard Combined Moon-walk Hat Toss Team Relay”. I guess what I am really driving at here is: Why the hell do I care about who can ride a sled down a tube of ice the fastest? What the hell does that prove? “Hey everyone, gravity exists!”

There are fifteen categories of sanctioned sports in this year’s Olympics. Within these categories there are over 300 individual competitions. That’s 300 gold medals. So there are 300 of the best in the world. There can’t be 300 of the best in the world. It’s too many. It means they are equally bad. The Olympics need to adhere to “Highlander Rules”. There can be only one. There is only one best skier, ice skater and hockey player. There are no team sports or referees in my vision of the Olympics. There is no “opinion” around any of this. I can take those 300 + events and get them down to a meaningful and manageable number with a few simple rules:

No Team Sports

There should be no team sports in the Olympics. What if you are by far the best hockey player in the world, but your teammates suck? Well then my friend, you suck too. That sucks.

No Referees or Judges

No sport that requires a referee should be allowed. If you can’t physically time it or mark its distance with a laser pointer and an atomic clock it’s got no place in the Olympics. This isn’t about someone’s opinion on a rule or a style, this should be about accomplishing something concrete.

One Event Per Sport

There need be only one event for each sport. If you ski, then you need to win a ski race. That’s it. Whoever gets to the bottom of the hill fastest wins. That man or woman is the best skier. Done.

No Gender Discrimination

There are no men’s events or women’s events… there are only events. I believe in equality for all. This isn’t about finding the fastest man and then finding the fastest woman, this is about finding the fastest person.

No Silver or Bronze

This is the Olympics. No one gives a shit if you come in second: “Hey look at me! I’m not as good at this as that other person!”

With those rules in place, what remains is, I think, a salient list of what matters. Here is the new list

-Alpine Skiing: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

-Cross Country Skiing: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Biathlon: Removed due to the fact that cross-country skiing already exists and shooting a gun isn’t a sport.

-Skeleton: Re-named to “Sledding” and called “Fastest Down a Hill”.

-Bobsled: Removed due to the fact that we already have sledding.

-Curling: Removed because it’s a team sport. Replaced with “Who Can Slide this Rock Across the Ice the Furthest?”

-Speed Skating: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Figure Skating: Removed because it requires judges and because dancing is also not a sport.

-Freestyle Skiing: Removed because it requires judges and because the best skier already won the skiing race.

-Hockey: Removed because it is both a team sport and requires referees. Replaced with “Bare-Knuckled Boxing on Ice Skates”

-Luge: Removed because it is just another variant of sledding and is, apparently, extremely dangerous.

-Ski Jumping: “Jump the Farthest on Skis”

-Nordic Combined: Cross country skiing AND ski jumping… I think we’ve got it covered, thanks.

-Short Track Speed Skating: Removed because Speed Skating is already an event.

-Snowboarding: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

That’s it. There you have it. Three hundred events reduced to 8. We could get this done on a Saturday afternoon and move on with our lives. Having a gold medal would actually mean something and we could all stop worrying about whether or not some Romanian ice dancer used enough styling gel for his hair-do, and instead point to 8 people at a single award ceremony and say: “Hey, you are actually the best in the world.” Now that’s something I would gladly DVR and watch at a time and place of my choosing without commercial interruption.

Beer & Self-Loathing

Sometimes I marvel at my ability to accept the absurd simply because it’s universal. It seems everyone else accepts it, therefore, it’s perfectly, well… acceptable. This is a lie. Instead of saying: “Boy, it sure is cold out there, but isn’t the snow beautiful?”, we should be running around with our arms flailing in the air and screaming: “Holy shit! The temperature is so low that water cannot retain it’s liquid state! Humans are made of mostly water. This is a huge fucking problem!” But for some reason we just accept it as Winter in MN. Well, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe this simply isn’t okay. Of course, this collective state of psychosis-induced denial goes much deeper than merely tolerating a giant dump-truck barreling down the road pouring 2 metric tonnes of salt onto the ground. No, this ubiquitous shroud of denial has a whole other level of complexity.

Why is it that absolutely everything I enjoy is bad? I am unable to think of a single thing that I like which is good for my health or otherwise contributes positively to my life. Not one. It is a universal truth that we all accept for some reason. If it tastes good, it’s unhealthy, if it feels good it’s dangerous. Why has the Universe conspired against us so? Why is it that celery doesn’t taste like ice cream? Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice slice of watermelon, but it simply can’t compete with a chocolate fudge brownie covered with whipped cream.

I love beer. So naturally, it makes me fat, earns me a hangover and gives me diarrhea. Why? Why didn’t we evolve biologically such that beer clears up acne, stops tooth decay and makes you better looking? Note: beer only makes others better looking—yet another dangerous side-effect.

The notion that everything good is actually bad has been so ingrained in our species that even small children understand the concept. As a child I recall thinking that if the medicine tastes just aweful, it must be making me feel better. Pain was immediately translated into a long-term benefit. In fact, the more painful or distasteful something is, the more value we tend to ascribe to its positive effects. This is preposterous.

The universal acceptance of this concept is not only mysterious and baffling, but it is also the root-cause of most human suffering. We accept this idea and then act it out. That’s why so many religious movements require suffering and sacrifice here on Earth… to demonstrate a loyalty to God. Only through misery can we obtain the long-term benefits of the after-life. In fact, I am beginning to believe that a Universe so bent on denying us enjoyment could only be constructed by a supreme being, or God. That’s the only thing that makes any sense. There’s no reasonable explanation for life to have evolved in such a way as to provide us with a cheeseburger, only to have it clog our arteries and kill us. Why would that happen naturally? It wouldn’t.

I have had a revelation. It’s clear to me now, that the mere existence of bacon is proof that there is a God… a God who hates us.

When You're Right, You're Right.

Last weekend I went to Chicago for the annual Strictly Sail show. It’s where rich assholes get together and talk about their sailing yachts and poor assholes go to look at boats they can’t afford. I of course, am in the latter category. The drive in and out of the city along the I-90 toll-way reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten about… Republicans aren’t always wrong. You see, over the last ten years Republicans have behaved like complete jack-asses. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when being a Republican didn’t necessarily make you a total douche bag. That time was 1993. Since then, we’ve witnessed an era of progressively more entrenched Republican douche-baggery the likes of which have never been seen. As such, it is easy to forget that the idea of personal and governmental responsibility isn’t such a bad notion. Reducing the amount of governmental waste and the likelihood of corruption can actually be a good thing. Unfortunately, the current crop of conservatives have gone so far off the deep-end that it’s hard to see the value in anything they support because it’s just so damn likely to be something ridiculous, racist, classist or otherwise intentionally ignorant.

So to my liberal friends out there I present a case-study on liberal politics and corruption that explains precisely what these conservatives are always bitching about.

As we approach Chicago along the I-90 / 94 corridor, we begin to see notices of the impending toll-way. Time to get out the roll of quarters and get ready for some good old fashioned inconvenience. Now for anyone from the Chicago area this will be old news. But for me, here in this little backwater town of Minneapolis, it was a new experience. We come to the first toll booth, hand over our $1.00 and are on our way. This felt like about 100 miles outside of the city. It was shortly thereafter that I realized I needed to use the loo. But exit after exit, nothing. No McDonald’s, no gas stations, no Motel 6’s to be found. Then I realized why. You see, there is an exit toll to leave the highway as well. This is so that people don’t exit before the toll station, then get back on afterward to avoid paying the toll. Makes sense I guess, if you NEED a toll road, I guess you would have to do this to avoid messy traffic along the side roads near toll booth stops. I also realized that the existence of these exit tolls however, made the road-side fast food joint or gas station obsolete. No one wants to stop for a cheeseburger or a slushy if it costs them an additional $1.00 plus the hassle of paying it to a machine or person again. They would rather wait.

This of course means that for the next 100 miles, you have to “hold it”. Except... lo’! In the distance, like a beacon of hope I saw a sign for the “Oasis”. It’s a supercharged rest-stop with everything you could want. It’s got a gas station, ample parking, and wide range of fast food--from Chinese take-out and McDonalds to little gift shops selling snacks and T-shirts. And this exit required no toll. The “Oasis” actually spanned the freeway which I am sure wasn’t cheap to build. I used the well-kept facility, grabbed a snack, topped off the gas tank and was on my way. No charge to get back onto I-90 either. As we drove on, I noticed another “Oasis” on the horizon. Curious about this first experience, we stopped for a look around. As I suspected, this one was identical. Same shops, same layout, same brands, same prices… the same. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I see exact replicas I sense the presence of a massive government works project. The faint smell of government corruption and inefficiency. I’m sure you know the smell. It kind of smells like… a Teamster. And sure enough, right there on the side of the building, the plaque proudly proclaimed that this “Oasis” was a public/private partnership brought to us by (then) Governor Rod Blagojevech. Like he stamped his name on the side of the building as if to proclaim to the world: “Ha! I fucked you again!” I felt like I just got sucker-punched.

So here was my guess as to how this whole thing went down:

- “We need to raise more revenue to maintain the highway.”

- “No Problem, let’s make it a toll road.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

1 year later…

- “Ummm, all the gas stations and restaurants for 100 miles just went out of business, there’s no place to pee! Oh, and it looks like we just put a bunch of people out of work.”

- “ No Problem. We’ll build some special rest areas and call it an “Oasis”.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

3 months later…

- “Hey, how are we going to pay for those fancy “Oasis” stops? I mean, who’s going to build them?”

- “No Problem. We’ll use the money from the toll road to pay for them.”

- “Perfect. Done… err, wait. Now how are we going to pay for the roads?

- “No Problem. We get Federal money for that anyway.”

- “Oh… so wait a minute, then why did we need to build the toll-way in the first place? It seems like all we accomplished was to put hard working small business owners out of business, inconvenience commuters and create an entirely unnecessary regulatory agency to manage a bloated infrastructure that delivers no net benefit to society.”

- “Yep. You’re welcome! Don’t worry, it all works out because the construction work created union jobs and moved chain-restaurants into non-competitive contracts for which, in exchange, they donated generously to my campaign. So you see, it all works out in the end. Like I said… no problem.”

Well I’ll tell you what... I’ve got a fucking problem… and I don’t even live there. Like I said this is just my guess as to how this went down. After some research I learned that in reality, the depth and breadth of the corruption extends far beyond the ex-governor. Companies were put into bankruptcy, money changed hands under the table and in general this whole nightmare of an experiment in inconvenience is far far more sinister than my pathetic imagination could have guessed.

Here’s a few links that just barely scratch the surface of this fiasco:

Toll Road News

Chicago Tribune

Chicago Business

So hats off to you my Republican friends. You’ve got this feather in your cap. Here’s your shining example of government in action. Now that said, please remember that just because this happened, doesn’t necessarily mean that absolutely everything that government does is bad. Let me say this again, just to be clear here; we still need government. You can’t use this as an excuse to cut the marginal tax rate to zero and abolish the Department of Education. And to my even more conservative tea-party type readers let me say this. Just because this happened in the State of IL, does not mean that it was Obama’s fault. Stop doing that shit! You see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes it so damn hard to take you seriously.