A Little Slice of Heaven

Infinity is a fucking cop out. What a bunch of bullshit. "Hey, could you define the Universe for me? Maybe provide a few examples?" "No need my friend. It's just... ya know, infinite." Well thanks a lot science. That clears everything up for me. People throw that word around a lot--infinite. As if they have any clue as to what that actually means. They insert it into theoretical mathematical constructs, typically designed to get around some inconvenient result they've experienced. Not that I am a mathematician or anything, but creating a symbol for infinity ( ∞ ) a made-up concept and then using it in conjunction with something as silly as Pi ( π ) seems to me nothing more than a big huge clusterfuck of a waste of time.

"You see, all we need to do is take the square root of this imaginary fucking idea and divide it by this number that doesn't actually end." So much for the precision of mathematics. It's like playing a big cosmic game of Mad-Libs. You can make anything sound reasonable if you incorporate an undefined, mythical variable. What do we get when we divide infinity by Pi? The same result as dividing unicorns by leprechauns. It doesn't fucking matter because they don't actually exist.

Now I understand that the mathematical properties of infinity allow physicists to develop a better understanding of the physical universe. Yeah, OK, I get it. But if you reduce it down, the reality is that the understanding achieved is based on a construct I don't think any human being is capable of really understanding. I mean, I think we can all understand the basic concept of an infinite value, but we really cannot define it. It's a fundamental problem with the nature of the human condition. Our mortality, the defining characteristic of our existence, just gets in the way. As such, all understanding is relative to understanding something else. Infinity has no relative value. It's why our ancient ancestors ascribed things they didn't understand to the "the Gods". Or more recently, "the God". Or even more recently... ∞.

In the Twilight of Your Years

Alright, I can no longer remain silent on this subject. This whole Twilight saga has really been taking a toll on my psychological and yes, even physical well-being. For starters, it’s not a saga. A saga is a long, detailed account of Icelandic and Nordic adventurers and heroes that were written between the twelfth and thirteenth centuries AD. These are deep, culturally significant tales that are, quite literally, epic. They define the culture of an entire race of people. Three vampire movies does not a saga make. Referring to this pathetically transparent story-line as a “saga” is like comparing a bottle rocket to a nuclear missile. Sure they both shoot in the air and they both explode but one has a little more significance. I’m not sure that’s the best analogy because while a true saga has the significance of a nuclear missile, it lacks the destructive power of the Twilight series. Either way, whether it be missiles or bad vampire movies I fear the end of civilization is near.

From what I understand, the plot line goes something like this. Stupid teenage girl meets intriguingly shy vampire boy. Then some fucking werewolves show up and fuck up everything. Now the stupid girl can’t decide whether she wants to eventually be killed by a vampire or eaten alive by a werewolf. Which, of course, sadly never happens. That about sums it up right? There seems to be a spate of “vampire versus werewolf” movies out there. When exactly did these two completely fictional memes become (im)mortal enemies? Is this concept the brain-child of the same people who gave us “Alien vs. Predator”? Or is it simply the fact that the author realized after the first book that she forgot to include conflict or any other compelling component in her story? “I know! We’ll make them fight werewolves! People will totally buy that crap!”. She was right.

In the interest of full disclosure I have only seen the first of the three movies. I was duped into it: “Oh it’s a movie about vampires? That could be cool. Is Wesley Snipes in it?” No. He is not. So how can I claim to understand the complexities and nuances of this great tale of romance and conflict? Let me reiterate, I’ve seen the first movie. That is sufficient. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I can see why a thirteen-year-old girl might relate to this trite, maudlin, vacuous story. Because let’s face it, most thirteen-year-old girls are trite, maudlin and vacuous. And let’s not forget stupid. That’s just a function of being thirteen. On the flip-side of the gender equation, this explains why thirteen-year-old boys watch pro wrestling. It’s the same thing, but with slightly more homo-erotic undertones.

But here’s what I don’t get. How did this become something that forty-year-old women obsess over? This phenomenon has evolved to the point where women who are old enough to have children who are too old for this nonsense can carry on an hour-long conversation about the merits of “Team Jacob” and lament their frustration over Bella’s hesitant indecisiveness. For that matter I don’t see the appeal of Ultimate Fighter Brock Lesnar to forty-year-old men. Again, same thing, just a little bit more gay. But let’s face it, this is a chick thing. This is the pre-menopausal equivalent of a mid-life crisis. You know who you are. These are otherwise intelligent, accomplished women. Some of you I consider very dear friends, and don’t worry, I still love you.

But please, I am begging you. Please do not post your insights on TwilightMoms.com (yes, it exists), or go to Hot Topic and buy any of a thousand pieces of Twilight-Brand merchandise. We have suffered enough. If I visit my parents over Christmas and find my mom thumbing through a copy of “Eclipse” I’m holding you personally responsible. This whole thing would have passed into obscurity if you weren’t feeding the beast. Let’s face it, by now most teen-age girls with their breathtakingly short attention-spans would have moved on to the next ridiculous fad. Please, let’s let this stupid, cultural-kick-in-the-groin die a slow painful death -- like Bella should have.

Girls are Stupid… Confessions of a Male Feminist

I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my life. “Misogynist jerk” is one of the more common accusations. So let me set the record straight. I am, by any real sense of the word, a feminist. By that I mean, with every sense of my being, I believe that men and women deserve equal treatment. It sounds so simple. With so many scholarly works on the subject available to us, I am certain that I am not breaking any new ground, or revealing anything profound when I say: “Gender equality is disproportionately helpful to me.”

You see, I am a white, American man who comes from a middle-class, Midwestern family with two parents, four grandparents and siblings who loved and nurtured me. I have the benefit of a great public education, went to college, easily found a job and own my own home in a great neighborhood. In other words—I am lucky. I know that. But I want more. I want more of my white-male-privilege, and I want it now! Not because I’ve earned it, but because I want it. So how do I get it?

Feminism.

First let me be so bold as to re-define the word. The word itself (feminism) has become such a “loaded” term. It need not be. It’s really about equality. In the end, that’s all any real feminist wants. Many men don’t believe that. They think that what these “feminists” want is to take over and enslave men. But that’s just a function of the rhetoric feminists use to fight for their goal… equality. The reason they use such rhetoric guys, is because they are dealing with a systemic structure that involves the institutionalization of paternity intrinsic in the religious infrastructure (the Bible), the political infrastructure (the U.S. Constitution) and the biological construct that relieves us (men) of the burden of childbirth. In other words, they’ve got a reason to get all “uppity” when it comes to their rhetoric. My advice to the men out there is simply this; translate everything you hear some “crazy left-wing feminist” says into the words: “I want to be instinctively thought of as an equal by you, even though we have different ways of looking at things.” Because really… that’s all they (or we) want from anyone.

That said, let me cut to the chase. I’m not going to reference all the studies that demonstrate how access to education, birth control or positions in government or corporate leadership by women help society at large. But the World Bank agrees with my premise:

“There is growing evidence that shows that there is a relationship between better economic conditions for women and increased growth of countries," - Mayra Buvinic, director of gender and development at the World Bank. That evidence echoes the major findings of the World Bank's 2006 World Development Report, which noted that "making markets work in more gender-equitable ways can significantly raise women's productivity and incomes and contribute to economic growth. The pursuit of gender equality makes business sense - gender equality is good in itself, but also it is instrumental to the achievement of other goals and key to reduce poverty and attain shared growth." There's no shortage of research on the subject. You have Google… look it up. I already have. And I can tell you that when women are empowered and educated and respected, the entire social and economic infrastructure of that nation or society is enormously enhanced. Seriously… look it up.

My point is simply this. As a disproportionate beneficiary of the existing economic system, increasing the prosperity and longevity of that system serves to further enrich and empower me as well. This makes sense. It’s a universal truth that has slowly been uncovered with the passage time, whether you’re a communist or a capitalist, the result is the same. Doubling the pool of skilled workers and intellectual capital of your society benefits us all. Not to mention the long-term effects of passing this idea on to future generations from mother-to-daughter and mother-to-son. As one of the primary beneficiaries of this system (myself and my white, male counterparts), nothing could please me more. It’s not a zero-sum scenario. Don’t worry about me. If past experience is any indication of future events I can assure you that I’ll get my cut of the increased benefit to society at-large. Seriously... I'll be just fine.

That’s how feminism (equality) helps me.

So why claim: “Girls are Stupid”? Well, as a feminist, I dream of a world that has the necessary pre-conditions that make the following notions as archaic as burning witches:

• I don’t ever want to see a 13 year-old girl become bulimic because her “girlfriends” say she is too fat.
• I never want to see a high school girl think it’s OK to call another girl a “slut” because she chooses to have sex, or a "pussy" because she chooses not to do something stupid or risky.
• I’ve no desire to see some drunken college girl punch a guy at a frat party just because she knows that “guys don’t hit back” - oh yes they do.
• I cannot abide a beautiful woman thinking and acting as though she is entitled to (and demands) special treatment solely on the basis that she has “a nice rack and a hot ass”.
• I will not tolerate open discussions about how to "trap yourself a man" or how to "take him to the cleaners" when you divorce him.
• I will not forgive women who vote against their own self interest in order to preserve their temporary comfort as a “protected class” or “the fairer sex”.

I see it every day. Women, you are in very many ways your own worst enemies. Equality is reciprocity ladies. You can’t demand true equality but not want to be eligible for the draft. I know that there is an entire system designed (purposefully) to set you against yourselves. But you know what? You’re not alone. We’ve all had to overcome obstacles and rise to the occasion (me much less so that others, though I’ve had my share). But seriously… deal with it. Or put another way: “Man up!”

You have the opportunity, the numbers and (based on my experience) the patience to make true equality a reality. Stop “demanding” it and start “doing” it. If not for yourselves, then please… please do it for me.

I could really use the help.

Greek Tradgedy

The world is catching Olympic fever. Which is appropriate because it’s making me ill. I have a really hard time getting excited about the Olympics. I am not sure why. I am un-moved by the spirit of the games and the unity of global competition. Maybe it’s because in these difficult times, it’s sometimes hard to focus on the big picture. It could be that I am simply too pre-occupied with my daily life to appreciate the magical nature of the planet coming together as one while embracing the tradition and spirit of sportsmanship and personal achievement. Or, it could be that I don’t give a shit because they are boring, stupid and pointless.

As a child, I had always imagined that the Olympics were about determining who is the best in the World at something... something important. I got that stuck in my head and there it has remained all these years. Perhaps it’s because this is what they were originally designed to do… find out who are the fastest, strongest and most enduring athletes on the planet. However, in an effort to completely avoid learning this information, the IOC has provided us with the modern Olympic Games. The Olympics shouldn’t be about just anything. Given enough time I could be the best in the World at throwing water balloons into a top-hat while moon-walking. In fact, I may already be. Now imagine this stupid, ridiculous and pointless activity being called a sport and split up into the “Ten Yard Women’s Pairs Water Balloon Moon-walk Hat Toss” and the “Men’s Singles Two-Yard Combined Moon-walk Hat Toss Team Relay”. I guess what I am really driving at here is: Why the hell do I care about who can ride a sled down a tube of ice the fastest? What the hell does that prove? “Hey everyone, gravity exists!”

There are fifteen categories of sanctioned sports in this year’s Olympics. Within these categories there are over 300 individual competitions. That’s 300 gold medals. So there are 300 of the best in the world. There can’t be 300 of the best in the world. It’s too many. It means they are equally bad. The Olympics need to adhere to “Highlander Rules”. There can be only one. There is only one best skier, ice skater and hockey player. There are no team sports or referees in my vision of the Olympics. There is no “opinion” around any of this. I can take those 300 + events and get them down to a meaningful and manageable number with a few simple rules:

No Team Sports

There should be no team sports in the Olympics. What if you are by far the best hockey player in the world, but your teammates suck? Well then my friend, you suck too. That sucks.

No Referees or Judges

No sport that requires a referee should be allowed. If you can’t physically time it or mark its distance with a laser pointer and an atomic clock it’s got no place in the Olympics. This isn’t about someone’s opinion on a rule or a style, this should be about accomplishing something concrete.

One Event Per Sport

There need be only one event for each sport. If you ski, then you need to win a ski race. That’s it. Whoever gets to the bottom of the hill fastest wins. That man or woman is the best skier. Done.

No Gender Discrimination

There are no men’s events or women’s events… there are only events. I believe in equality for all. This isn’t about finding the fastest man and then finding the fastest woman, this is about finding the fastest person.

No Silver or Bronze

This is the Olympics. No one gives a shit if you come in second: “Hey look at me! I’m not as good at this as that other person!”

With those rules in place, what remains is, I think, a salient list of what matters. Here is the new list

-Alpine Skiing: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

-Cross Country Skiing: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Biathlon: Removed due to the fact that cross-country skiing already exists and shooting a gun isn’t a sport.

-Skeleton: Re-named to “Sledding” and called “Fastest Down a Hill”.

-Bobsled: Removed due to the fact that we already have sledding.

-Curling: Removed because it’s a team sport. Replaced with “Who Can Slide this Rock Across the Ice the Furthest?”

-Speed Skating: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Figure Skating: Removed because it requires judges and because dancing is also not a sport.

-Freestyle Skiing: Removed because it requires judges and because the best skier already won the skiing race.

-Hockey: Removed because it is both a team sport and requires referees. Replaced with “Bare-Knuckled Boxing on Ice Skates”

-Luge: Removed because it is just another variant of sledding and is, apparently, extremely dangerous.

-Ski Jumping: “Jump the Farthest on Skis”

-Nordic Combined: Cross country skiing AND ski jumping… I think we’ve got it covered, thanks.

-Short Track Speed Skating: Removed because Speed Skating is already an event.

-Snowboarding: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

That’s it. There you have it. Three hundred events reduced to 8. We could get this done on a Saturday afternoon and move on with our lives. Having a gold medal would actually mean something and we could all stop worrying about whether or not some Romanian ice dancer used enough styling gel for his hair-do, and instead point to 8 people at a single award ceremony and say: “Hey, you are actually the best in the world.” Now that’s something I would gladly DVR and watch at a time and place of my choosing without commercial interruption.

Beer & Self-Loathing

Sometimes I marvel at my ability to accept the absurd simply because it’s universal. It seems everyone else accepts it, therefore, it’s perfectly, well… acceptable. This is a lie. Instead of saying: “Boy, it sure is cold out there, but isn’t the snow beautiful?”, we should be running around with our arms flailing in the air and screaming: “Holy shit! The temperature is so low that water cannot retain it’s liquid state! Humans are made of mostly water. This is a huge fucking problem!” But for some reason we just accept it as Winter in MN. Well, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe this simply isn’t okay. Of course, this collective state of psychosis-induced denial goes much deeper than merely tolerating a giant dump-truck barreling down the road pouring 2 metric tonnes of salt onto the ground. No, this ubiquitous shroud of denial has a whole other level of complexity.

Why is it that absolutely everything I enjoy is bad? I am unable to think of a single thing that I like which is good for my health or otherwise contributes positively to my life. Not one. It is a universal truth that we all accept for some reason. If it tastes good, it’s unhealthy, if it feels good it’s dangerous. Why has the Universe conspired against us so? Why is it that celery doesn’t taste like ice cream? Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice slice of watermelon, but it simply can’t compete with a chocolate fudge brownie covered with whipped cream.

I love beer. So naturally, it makes me fat, earns me a hangover and gives me diarrhea. Why? Why didn’t we evolve biologically such that beer clears up acne, stops tooth decay and makes you better looking? Note: beer only makes others better looking—yet another dangerous side-effect.

The notion that everything good is actually bad has been so ingrained in our species that even small children understand the concept. As a child I recall thinking that if the medicine tastes just aweful, it must be making me feel better. Pain was immediately translated into a long-term benefit. In fact, the more painful or distasteful something is, the more value we tend to ascribe to its positive effects. This is preposterous.

The universal acceptance of this concept is not only mysterious and baffling, but it is also the root-cause of most human suffering. We accept this idea and then act it out. That’s why so many religious movements require suffering and sacrifice here on Earth… to demonstrate a loyalty to God. Only through misery can we obtain the long-term benefits of the after-life. In fact, I am beginning to believe that a Universe so bent on denying us enjoyment could only be constructed by a supreme being, or God. That’s the only thing that makes any sense. There’s no reasonable explanation for life to have evolved in such a way as to provide us with a cheeseburger, only to have it clog our arteries and kill us. Why would that happen naturally? It wouldn’t.

I have had a revelation. It’s clear to me now, that the mere existence of bacon is proof that there is a God… a God who hates us.

When You're Right, You're Right.

Last weekend I went to Chicago for the annual Strictly Sail show. It’s where rich assholes get together and talk about their sailing yachts and poor assholes go to look at boats they can’t afford. I of course, am in the latter category. The drive in and out of the city along the I-90 toll-way reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten about… Republicans aren’t always wrong. You see, over the last ten years Republicans have behaved like complete jack-asses. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when being a Republican didn’t necessarily make you a total douche bag. That time was 1993. Since then, we’ve witnessed an era of progressively more entrenched Republican douche-baggery the likes of which have never been seen. As such, it is easy to forget that the idea of personal and governmental responsibility isn’t such a bad notion. Reducing the amount of governmental waste and the likelihood of corruption can actually be a good thing. Unfortunately, the current crop of conservatives have gone so far off the deep-end that it’s hard to see the value in anything they support because it’s just so damn likely to be something ridiculous, racist, classist or otherwise intentionally ignorant.

So to my liberal friends out there I present a case-study on liberal politics and corruption that explains precisely what these conservatives are always bitching about.

As we approach Chicago along the I-90 / 94 corridor, we begin to see notices of the impending toll-way. Time to get out the roll of quarters and get ready for some good old fashioned inconvenience. Now for anyone from the Chicago area this will be old news. But for me, here in this little backwater town of Minneapolis, it was a new experience. We come to the first toll booth, hand over our $1.00 and are on our way. This felt like about 100 miles outside of the city. It was shortly thereafter that I realized I needed to use the loo. But exit after exit, nothing. No McDonald’s, no gas stations, no Motel 6’s to be found. Then I realized why. You see, there is an exit toll to leave the highway as well. This is so that people don’t exit before the toll station, then get back on afterward to avoid paying the toll. Makes sense I guess, if you NEED a toll road, I guess you would have to do this to avoid messy traffic along the side roads near toll booth stops. I also realized that the existence of these exit tolls however, made the road-side fast food joint or gas station obsolete. No one wants to stop for a cheeseburger or a slushy if it costs them an additional $1.00 plus the hassle of paying it to a machine or person again. They would rather wait.

This of course means that for the next 100 miles, you have to “hold it”. Except... lo’! In the distance, like a beacon of hope I saw a sign for the “Oasis”. It’s a supercharged rest-stop with everything you could want. It’s got a gas station, ample parking, and wide range of fast food--from Chinese take-out and McDonalds to little gift shops selling snacks and T-shirts. And this exit required no toll. The “Oasis” actually spanned the freeway which I am sure wasn’t cheap to build. I used the well-kept facility, grabbed a snack, topped off the gas tank and was on my way. No charge to get back onto I-90 either. As we drove on, I noticed another “Oasis” on the horizon. Curious about this first experience, we stopped for a look around. As I suspected, this one was identical. Same shops, same layout, same brands, same prices… the same. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I see exact replicas I sense the presence of a massive government works project. The faint smell of government corruption and inefficiency. I’m sure you know the smell. It kind of smells like… a Teamster. And sure enough, right there on the side of the building, the plaque proudly proclaimed that this “Oasis” was a public/private partnership brought to us by (then) Governor Rod Blagojevech. Like he stamped his name on the side of the building as if to proclaim to the world: “Ha! I fucked you again!” I felt like I just got sucker-punched.

So here was my guess as to how this whole thing went down:

- “We need to raise more revenue to maintain the highway.”

- “No Problem, let’s make it a toll road.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

1 year later…

- “Ummm, all the gas stations and restaurants for 100 miles just went out of business, there’s no place to pee! Oh, and it looks like we just put a bunch of people out of work.”

- “ No Problem. We’ll build some special rest areas and call it an “Oasis”.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

3 months later…

- “Hey, how are we going to pay for those fancy “Oasis” stops? I mean, who’s going to build them?”

- “No Problem. We’ll use the money from the toll road to pay for them.”

- “Perfect. Done… err, wait. Now how are we going to pay for the roads?

- “No Problem. We get Federal money for that anyway.”

- “Oh… so wait a minute, then why did we need to build the toll-way in the first place? It seems like all we accomplished was to put hard working small business owners out of business, inconvenience commuters and create an entirely unnecessary regulatory agency to manage a bloated infrastructure that delivers no net benefit to society.”

- “Yep. You’re welcome! Don’t worry, it all works out because the construction work created union jobs and moved chain-restaurants into non-competitive contracts for which, in exchange, they donated generously to my campaign. So you see, it all works out in the end. Like I said… no problem.”

Well I’ll tell you what... I’ve got a fucking problem… and I don’t even live there. Like I said this is just my guess as to how this went down. After some research I learned that in reality, the depth and breadth of the corruption extends far beyond the ex-governor. Companies were put into bankruptcy, money changed hands under the table and in general this whole nightmare of an experiment in inconvenience is far far more sinister than my pathetic imagination could have guessed.

Here’s a few links that just barely scratch the surface of this fiasco:

Toll Road News

Chicago Tribune

Chicago Business

So hats off to you my Republican friends. You’ve got this feather in your cap. Here’s your shining example of government in action. Now that said, please remember that just because this happened, doesn’t necessarily mean that absolutely everything that government does is bad. Let me say this again, just to be clear here; we still need government. You can’t use this as an excuse to cut the marginal tax rate to zero and abolish the Department of Education. And to my even more conservative tea-party type readers let me say this. Just because this happened in the State of IL, does not mean that it was Obama’s fault. Stop doing that shit! You see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes it so damn hard to take you seriously.

A Lot of Hot Air

I recently read a diatribe from a well-known author likening the scientific and social acceptance of Global Warming to the Eugenics movement of the early 20th Century. My instinct upon reading that, was to dismiss the notion outright as preposterous. However, in the interest of open-mindedness I thought I’d give it another look. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve touched on the eugenics topic before with my post inspired by the film Idiocracy. Which in actuality, is a pro-eugenics film; the underlying principle being that we are breeding ourselves into stupidity. Something that, as a species, we should probably try to avoid. Of course, in practice, the eugenics movement inexorably led to the Holocaust perpetrated by Nazi Germany. Which, as it turns out, is something we should probably try to avoid even more.

The point is, this is an example of a reasonable-sounding idea gone terribly awry. It all seems innocent enough if you just take the term at face value: “Eugenics is the study and practice of selective breeding applied to humans, with the aim of improving the species by improving human genetic qualities to counter dysgenic dynamics within the human gene pool, specifically in regard to congenital disorders and factors relating to the heritability of IQ.” Like the eugenics movement, the Global Warming movement offers a similarly sensible theory: “The Earth as an ecosystem is changing, attributable in great part to the effects of globalization and man. More carbon dioxide is now in the atmosphere than has been in the past 650,000 years. This carbon stays in the atmosphere, acts like a warm blanket, and holds in the heat — hence the term ‘global warming’.” Sounds reasonable enough. Makes sense to me anyway. In fact, it makes sense to a lot of people. Just like eugenics did almost 100 years ago. So much sense, that the scientific community rallied around the concept of eugenics and received research funding to study their claim. The problem is, that unless the theory holds true, the funding stops and the researchers have to find a new job. So, it comes as no surprise that the more research grants are given to study the validity of a theory, the more “science” points to its validity. Go figure.

I’m not saying these two issues are identical—not at all. However, I am saying that there is a certain similarity. They both have taken an issue with an almost infinitely complex set of variables, boiled it down to a simple concept we can all understand, funded science to support and validate the theory and then attempted to institute sweeping sociological changes that impact the lives of millions of people based on their findings. I’m not an expert on Global Climate Change. I first studied the notion in 1992 and frankly have heard little new on the subject since then. But I do know this much. When people start trying to scare the hell out of me, I am immediately suspicious. My first instinct is to safeguard my loved-ones and my wallet. I find the notion that the Earth is going to devour our civilization with catastrophic weather changes equally credible to the arguments that claim there is no Global Warming at all because it’s cold outside today. For some reason, I get the sense that both sides are lying to me.

There’s some intellectual dishonesty going on here from both sides that I find disturbing and ideologically paralyzing. I mean, I want to understand the issue. It’s important to me, and I’ve no doubt there is merit to the claims of scientists all over the globe who present climate change as a very real threat to human beings. But that belief I have is just that. A belief. I don’t know that for certain. And I am skeptical of anyone else who claims to have a complete understanding of the planet’s ecosphere and temperature fluctuations, our impact on them and the almost infinite number of other variables that contribute to the livability of our species on this wildly diverse planet. We know so damn little about the whole thing. Let me re-phrase that… I know so damn little about the whole thing. So little in fact that I am begging both sides of this issue to come together and present their ideas with some sense of credibility. I’m a big believer in science—I’m generally a fan of, you know, facts. But I’ve got to warn you, if your scientific conclusions can be picked apart by the likes of me, you’re on shaky ground. Like I said, I am not an expert, but even I have been able to find the double-speak and missing pieces of critical data on many of these studies (on both sides).

Claiming that the ocean level will rise and engulf the State of Florida within 10 years is equally unhelpful to your cause as claiming that because some scientist buried a set of data means that there is no threat at all. It’s childish, reactionary posturing from self-righteous partisans who care more about scoring political points than they do about addressing the important issues of the day. Frankly, it’s just plain stupid. Almost as stupid as claiming that I am comparing environmentalists to Nazis.

Insomniac's Requiem

I’m tired.

I’m tired of struggling to pay the bills.

I’m tired of going to sleep stressed out and waking up with a headache.

I’m tired of self-important know-it-alls who act on ignorance.

I’m tired of watching my home fall into disrepair without the money to stop it.

I’m tired of watching good people get bullied and shamed by the greedy and the selfish.

I’m tired of bureaucracy that is designed to kick us when we’re down.

I’m tired of a world that rewards the belligerent and punishes the patient.

I’m tired of the fear and uncertainty I never had when I was young.

I’m tired of watching my life pass me by.

I’m tired of defending justice and common decency against stubbornness and apathy.

I’m tired of the pretending that I’m not tired.

I’m tired of the status quo.

I’m tired of starting over.

I’m tired of it all—and if I weren’t so tired all the time, I’d do something about it.

But I’m just too damned tired.

Hating on Haiti

The events in Haiti over this past week have been occupying a fair part of my thoughts. Basically those thoughts range from: “What an unimaginably horrific, shitty fucking mess of a tragedy.” All the way to: “Holy shit, what a nightmarish, soul-crushing human catastrophe.” Perhaps it’s because I’ve been looking at options on where I might be able to live in the Caribbean someday, or perhaps it’s just my famously empathetic nature. Regardless of which, it only stands to reason that I have become increasingly pissed off at those who would politicize this for their own agenda.

Today I heard some famous blow-hard who shall remain nameless, make a comparison between the earthquake in Haiti and Hurricane Katrina. The claim was that all those critical of the Bush administration’s handling of the latter are now silent about all the failings of the current administration’s handling of the former. As if the two events were somehow mirror images of each other. There are some differences as it turns out. Like the little known fact that Haiti is not part of the U.S. I know that may come as a surprise to some folks who believe that every nation-state within 1,000 miles of our border is somehow a U.S. Territory, but it’s not. Do I really need to mention the relative logistical differences between getting relief supplies to an American city of several million along our southern coast to getting relief to a small island nation with almost no infrastructure to begin with? I do? Well I won’t.

It’s not that I am an apologist for all things the Obama administration does, but the reaction seems to be pretty swift and comprehensive in relative terms. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to argue the point. The situation down there doesn’t deserve further politicizing. There comes a point when I become so frustrated and angry that I no longer wish to give these people the benefit of my considered debate. It is no longer worth it to me to try to educate them. I simply stop caring enough about them to try to persuade them or those who believe them. There comes a point where, even I, throw my arms up and declare: “Fuck you! Fuck you and your ignorant, insensitive, semi-illiterate idiot followers. Fuck you, Rush Limbaugh, for implying that the WhiteHouse.gov website asking for donations to help is somehow a political conspiracy. Fuck you, Pat Robertson, for implying that Haitians were in cahoots with the devil and they had it coming to them. Fuck you, Hugo Chavez, for implying that U.S. troops have been sent there to occupy the country rather than provide support. Fuck you, Danny Glover, for implying that this had anything whatsoever to do with global warming. Fuck the lot of you!”

Look, this shit doesn’t happen overnight. It took a couple hundred years of slavery, occupation and internal corruption to create the cluster-fuck of a country that is now Haiti. What Western powers and the subsequent corrupt military leaders of the country didn’t manage to destroy, this earthquake finished off. This is a massive, complex situation involving command and control requirements similar to a war. This is, quite literally, nation-building. Not only do we need to get food and water there, we need to get it to the right places at the right times via air, land and sea (without airports, roads or ports mind you). Then we have the little job of keeping people from killing each other over the food and water we are delivering. I understand that donations from people all over the world are pouring in. The people of the U.S. (in spite of some loud-mouthed assholes) are a good and generous lot for the most part. I hope our actions serve to silence the critics at home and abroad who would try to portray diligence as incompetence and compassion as villainy.

The Nothing

The new decade has fallen upon us. I don’t know about you, but it snuck up on me. Almost like a predator jumping out from the darkness of the thick jungle canapé above. I simply didn’t expect the last decade to end so... abruptly. But here we are, staring straight into the face of 2010. What are we calling this new decade? The tens? The Teens? The Tweens? I am unsure. Appropriately however, it feels like the world is just entering puberty. Everyone seems uncertain of their future, naively optimistic about their prospects for happiness and utterly confused about what the hell is going to happen next. It feels as if the world is about to enter middle school and all that rubbish that occurred during grade school was completely pointless and is now relegated to an increasingly small part of our fading memory. Did we really make popsicle-stick sculptures in class a few years ago? Why? What was the name of that little girl I thought was so cute? I can’t recall. It all seems so long-ago and irrelevant. Remember that time we played kick-ball in gym class and Ronny broke his arm? Or how about the time we invaded Iraq to get WMD’s? No? Me neither. Did we really elect G. W. Bush twice? You're joking.

But rather than look forward and try to predict what’s going to happen as we enter puberty I thought I’d take a stab at classifying the time we’ve spent together these last ten years. We need to have a catch-phrase for... The Aughts? The Naughts? The Zeroes? I am unsure. But it needs to be called: “The ________ Decade". I’m not really sure if anything in particular stands out. I mean, really is there anything we can hang our collective hats on as the overriding social order of the last ten years? Not really. Which is just about perfect for a ten year period commonly known as “The Naughts”. Because I’d say that “naught” a God Damned good thing happened over the last ten years. Nothing of any real positive importance anyway.

Future generations will look back at this first decade of the 21st century as a time when we lost our way. When things really, really started to get markedly worse in the world. They will see the dawn of this new century as the beginning of the end of prosperity, culture and integrity. We didn’t really invent anything, cure anything or create anything of lasting value for future generations. No real progress (of any type) was made… not scientifically, spiritually, economically or politically. The human genome project perhaps qualifies as something of an achievement. That may be the only thing of substance to come out of the last ten years, but even that was a 13-year long project that ended in 2003, which really makes it an accomplishment of the 90’s that just sort of wrapped itself up in this decade. It seems that all we've accomplished as a society in the last ten years is a significant improvement in the creation and advertising of drugs that prolong erections. Well thank God for that!

No… the last ten years may as well not even have happened. In fact, judging by the way things ended up at the end, we’d have all been much better off if it hadn’t. What a complete fucking waste of ten years. So join me in saying good riddance to the last ten years… “The Nothing Decade”.