Stop that shit.
My personal conflict arises when I’m forced to decide between a lie and silence. Typically I choose the latter. And so should you. You know it’s an ugly baby. I know it’s an ugly baby. We all know that this is one ugly fucking baby. Stop encouraging these poor parents to share more photos, take more photos or otherwise publicly display what should be their own private shame. You’re just making it worse for all of us. I don’t want to look at that ugly fucking baby any more than you do. So if you (like me) can’t bring yourself to tell these poor parents the truth, then just shut the hell up and talk about the weather.
Look, that baby won’t be ugly forever. Eventually it will grow out of that ugly phase and may even morph into a cute child. It may just be a bad picture. Maybe it is generally a cute baby and it’s just having a bad hair day, or a bad malformed head day. I know there’s a few pictures of me when I am not at my best. Here’s a secret… the parents might actually know their baby is ugly. So when you are gushing over how cute he is, you risk exposing yourself as the fraud you are to someone you probably care about. When you look a mother or father in the eyes and lie to their face you not only run the risk of alienating someone you care about, but more importantly, you expose us all to the risk that they may actually start to believe your lie. If that happens, you know as well as I do that they are going to bring that God damned ugly baby to your next party and take pictures of you holding the little monster. Do you really want that?
The real problem in my mind, is that by focusing exclusively on the appearance of another’s baby you ignore the miracle of its existence. I mean think about what happened here. This is the fucking miracle of life and all you can come up with is a lie about its appearance? Really? No wonder we’re a vacuous, image conscious, self-absorbed bunch of arrogant, narcissistic assholes. From birth we are judged solely by our appearance. How about focusing on the little runt’s cognitive abilities: “Hey he’s really good at mimicking my facial expressions.” or “Wow, she has really great motor skills.” No, you want to boil it down to appearance. And worse yet, you’re so focused on reducing this miraculous accomplishment down to looks that you’re even willing to lie about it when simply saying nothing at all would be perfectly acceptable.
So please, for the love of all things holy and just, shut the fuck up about the baby already.
P.S. – This post does not relate to anyone I know. Everyone I know (friends, family, online acquaintances, people I’ve shared an elevator with and anyone reading this) with a baby has an adorable cuddly one that is really really super CUTE!!!!
