Minnesota Vice

We used to have this thing here in this State called “Minnesota Nice”. If you’re not from here, it’s easy to confuse that term with politeness and courtesy. You’d be half right. Really “Minnesota Nice” is a term where you have to emphasize the word “Minnesota” in an ever so slightly sarcastic tone. Not over the top mind you, just enough to get the point across that there’s something under the surface. For God’s sake don’t be too blatent about it, and don’t speak directly to what you mean… that completely undermines the whole point of the term.


What “Minnesota Nice” really disguises is our love for a polite and passive-aggressive scolding of one sort or another. “That hot dish you served at the potluck was… interesting.” That sort of thing. It only really works if the recipient of the comment has to think for a moment—just a moment—about whether or not they have just been insulted. Which, of course, they have. However, an amazing thing happens. We allow it. We allow it to just roll over us and accept the insult without further comment. Storing that information for later retribution. We’re a patient people, we can wait.


The remarkable result is that this social contract we’ve cultivated over the years called “Minnesota Nice” has allowed us to get on with life. We don’t get bogged down in an argument over the comment, rather, we politely smile, file that moment away, update our list of enemies and move on with the business of getting through the conversation. It’s not personal, it’s just, “ya know, how he is. No biggie.” To an outsider this becomes very annoying, very quickly. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard transplants from Boston or Philadelphia lament, with confusion and expasperation the idea that people simply do not say what’s really on their mind. Sadly, their crys fall on deaf ears because they are speaking directly and forthrightly about the subject to a bunch of Minnesotans who simply won’t abide that sort of thing. I try to explain to them, that this is how it works. And frankly, it works quite well. It’s how we’ve built a social structure that allows us to roll up our sleaves, get past an awkward situation, get beyond an unneccesary argument and move on with the important work of living our lives.


But recently, all this has changed. And I think I know why.


For some reason, “Minnesota Nice” has all but dissapeared. Now the conversation seems to be a bit more direct: “Your hot dish sucks.” This sort of thing is just not what I’ve become accustomed to. As I said, we’re a patient lot for the most part. But also proud. There’s simply no way out of the argument now. There’s no room for negotiation in this sort of social brinkmanship. I can’t pretend that it’s “no biggie” and just move on. We are now at an impass. There can be no compromise. Sound familiar?


There was a time in this State when we got things done. When we could shelve our differences, pretend to be civil to one another and get on with it already. It used to be called the “Minnesota Miracle”.


Excerpt: History of Minnesota, From Wikipedia.
In 1970, Wendell Anderson (DFL) was elected as governor of Minnesota. He spent two years working with a split Minnesota Legislature to enact a tax and school finance reform package that shifted the source of public education funding from local property taxes to state sales taxes, as well as adding excise taxes to liquor and cigarettes. This achievement, dubbed the "Minnesota Miracle", was immensely popular. In the next few years, the Legislature enacted other facets of their "new liberalism", including ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment, strong environmental laws, increases in workers' compensation and unemployment benefits, and elimination of income taxes for the working poor. Time Magazine featured Wendell Anderson and the state in an article entitled, "Minnesota: A State That Works".


“Minnesota Nice” was an organism. It evolved over time to suit a very specific need—the need to get along, at least superficially, in order to get things done. Some would call it a virus that infected those exposed. People who lingered too long in our beloved state would ultimately succumb. I prefer to think if it as an ox. A trusty work animal designed to do the hard work of sowing the seeds of our society. Minnesota is the land of Paul Bunyan after all. “Minnesota Nice”, to me, is a trusty blue ox named Babe that is always at your side, ready to help get the job done.


Michelle Bachman killed Babe.


It used to be that if we didn’t know much about a given subject we would shut the hell up about it and move on. We were willing to accept the fact that we didn’t have all the answers, and as such, should probably not be telling everyone else what those answers were. “Minnesota Nice” was a way to say: “I don’t think I agree with you, but let’s not dwell on that point. How about we focus on something we can agree on and we’ll get back to that later.”


Now we find ourselves in a political and social climate where the louder and less informed you are, the more of a “real American” you become. We are told by extremists on both ends of the political spectrum (but let’s be honest, mostly from the far right), that ignorance is a virtue, that compromise is tantamount to surrender and that surrender is un-American. “Don’t retreat. Reload.” We’re told to ignore those “elitists” who spout off their “facts” and “rational arguments”. They’re just a bunch of socialists or communists… or whatever-ists. In this world, there is no need for “Minnesota Nice”. It serves no purpose. There is only one right way, and that’s my way. Period. I don’t need to understand the details; I just know I’m right. End of discussion. Any disagreement is a direct attack on my way of life. There can be no compromise on this.


I for one, could really go for a nice big serving of interestingly flavored tater-tot hot dish right about now. But could I get some without the "crispy on the outside"? 

Sorry... Your Baby's Ugly.

I routinely find myself in a bit of a moral conundrum when it comes to new parents and their babies. I first discovered the problem in my early teens. Thinking it was a fluke, I let it slide. But over time the problem has persisted. Ugly babies. I know we’ve all heard this before. And it’s not that I have a problem with ugly babies. I don’t even have a problem with parents of ugly babies who believe their babies to be beautiful. They should. No, my problem is with the enablers. You know the ones. They post things on Facebook like: “Oh what a precious picture!!!” “So CUTE!!!!” “She is beautiful.”


Stop that shit.


My personal conflict arises when I’m forced to decide between a lie and silence. Typically I choose the latter. And so should you. You know it’s an ugly baby. I know it’s an ugly baby. We all know that this is one ugly fucking baby. Stop encouraging these poor parents to share more photos, take more photos or otherwise publicly display what should be their own private shame. You’re just making it worse for all of us. I don’t want to look at that ugly fucking baby any more than you do. So if you (like me) can’t bring yourself to tell these poor parents the truth, then just shut the hell up and talk about the weather.


Look, that baby won’t be ugly forever. Eventually it will grow out of that ugly phase and may even morph into a cute child. It may just be a bad picture. Maybe it is generally a cute baby and it’s just having a bad hair day, or a bad malformed head day. I know there’s a few pictures of me when I am not at my best. Here’s a secret… the parents might actually know their baby is ugly. So when you are gushing over how cute he is, you risk exposing yourself as the fraud you are to someone you probably care about. When you look a mother or father in the eyes and lie to their face you not only run the risk of alienating someone you care about, but more importantly, you expose us all to the risk that they may actually start to believe your lie. If that happens, you know as well as I do that they are going to bring that God damned ugly baby to your next party and take pictures of you holding the little monster. Do you really want that?


The real problem in my mind, is that by focusing exclusively on the appearance of another’s baby you ignore the miracle of its existence. I mean think about what happened here. This is the fucking miracle of life and all you can come up with is a lie about its appearance? Really? No wonder we’re a vacuous, image conscious, self-absorbed bunch of arrogant, narcissistic assholes. From birth we are judged solely by our appearance. How about focusing on the little runt’s cognitive abilities: “Hey he’s really good at mimicking my facial expressions.” or “Wow, she has really great motor skills.” No, you want to boil it down to appearance. And worse yet, you’re so focused on reducing this miraculous accomplishment down to looks that you’re even willing to lie about it when simply saying nothing at all would be perfectly acceptable.


So please, for the love of all things holy and just, shut the fuck up about the baby already.


P.S. – This post does not relate to anyone I know. Everyone I know (friends, family, online acquaintances, people I’ve shared an elevator with and anyone reading this) with a baby has an adorable cuddly one that is really really super CUTE!!!!

The Badgering State

I've been watching the Wisconsin protests and debates over that state's "Budget Repair Bill". Essentially this bill does the following:

1.) Requires state workers to contribute 50% of their pension.

2.) Requires state employees to pay 12.6% of their health care premiums.

3.) Eliminates collective bargaining for benefits, only allowing it for wages. Wage increased would have a cap based on inflation.

It's that last one that's causing all the problems. Let's make no mistake here. The primary goal of this bill is not to balance the budget. Governor Walker's claims to the contrary are absurd. The workers have already agreed to concessions that would effectively address the budget goals of the legislation. The purpose of this bill is to undermine the political strength of public unions. Period. The Governor is being a disingenuous liar. If he called the bill: "The 2011 Public Union Eradication Program" he'd be on much more solid ground. And while this will certainly draw the ire of most of my friends, I might actually be able to get behind him on that.


Unions collectively bargain and strike to fight unjust working conditions or wages. This is fight between workers and management. When it comes to public unions however, there is a problem... we're management. That's us. That's our money. I can understand how conservatives get a little upset when they see their tax dollars used to pay higher wages to state workers, who then in-turn, use that money to contribute to Democrats who will vote to raise workers’ wages, so they can give more money to Democrats. Just like I get apoplectic over the Citizens United decision that essentially does the exact same thing for corporations/lobbyists and Republicans. It's a little intellectually dishonest of me to support one and not the other.


We seem to be missing the larger point here though. Most people (Rush Limbaugh notwithstanding) don't think that school teachers are lazy, overpaid parasites. This is why we (management) can vote ourselves tax increases to better fund schools. As concerned owners of this enterprise we call the state, we should want to invest in its future. We shouldn't be bickering over collective bargaining rights and public unions because there should be absolutely no need for them. Teachers shouldn't need to bargain, they should be getting paid so well that the best and brightest among us are waiting in line to interview for the job. It's ridiculous that a school teacher needs to organize in order to protect themselves from... well, from me.


I think we'll find that once school teachers start making $250k+ per year, this whole union thing will seem a little silly and unnecessary to most of them. If Governor Walker really wants to remove the corrupting influence of public labor unions over politics I have a solution. Take that great big tax cut you pushed through and re-allocate all of those funds to teachers and home health care workers. These people hold the future of our nation in the palms of their hands. I bet they'd be perfectly willing to give up those pensions and platinum-coated health benefits if you increased their salaries by a couple hundred G's a year. If we paid these people relative to the value they deliver for our society they’d have plenty of cash on hand to invest in their own 401K, buy their own health care and still retire at age 55.


The protesters and pro-union supporters have been duped into believing this is somehow about collective bargaining by Democratic politicians and left wing union organizers. The supporters of the bill have been duped into believing this is about balancing the budget by right wing fat cats and Republican politicians. But most seriously, we've all been duped into focusing our anger and attention on the wrong issue while politicians on both sides fill the coffers of their campaigns with our money while we're busy screaming at each other.


The bottom line is that public unions are not the issue here. The issue is that we are bad bosses.

God Hates This Post

This weekend an Arizona man by the name of Jared Lee Loughner killed a federal judge and five others in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a member of the United States Congress. Among the dead is a 9 year-old girl named Christina Taylor Green. There is no need for me to contribute to the politicization of this event. There’s plenty of that going on already. We can blame society, or Sarah Palin, or Fox News or Karl Marx or Adolf Hitler or President Obama if we want to. But in the end, it was this asshole, Jared Lee Loughner, who pulled the trigger.


So today I learn of the Westboro Baptist Church's announcement that it will picket the funeral of Christina Green, the 9-year-old victim, whose family is Catholic. True to their past actions they have already fired the first salvo from the “church’s” leader Fred Phelps whose spokesperson (his daughter) said: "God sent the shooter! Praise God for ALL his works, and BE YE THANKFUL!." The controversial church, based in Topeka, has made its name by staging protests at funerals of people who died of AIDS, gay people, soldiers and even Coretta Scott King. If you don’t know this family-run church, they are the ones who picket soldier’s funerals with the big “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God for IED’s” signs while the grieving family of the deceased looks on in horror after the funeral.


So what’s my response to this development? What would I say to the good reverend Fred Phelps and his family of followers? I think it may go something like this: “Shut the fuck up, you stupid, ignorant, self-important, asshole, dipshit, moronic, pathetic, piece-of-shit, dick-wad, scum-sucking, mouth-breathing, evil prick, son-of-a-bitch fuck-stain of a human being!” Or, you know, something along those lines.


Seriously, after a violent and senseless act like the one we witnessed this weekend it really makes one want to turn away from violence. People start asking questions like “What would Jesus do?” Well I’ll tell you… Jesus would likely say something along the lines of: “turn the other cheek” or “love your fellow man” or “forgive your neighbors”. Well, sorry J.C. but clearly that shit just doesn’t cut the mustard. This is the kind of thing that requires a gang of Hell’s Angels to show up and beat the ever-living shit out of these people, drag their broken and bruised bodies to the town square, strip them naked and set them on fire.


I know I may be engaging in “violent rhetoric”, but you know what? I’m fine with that. Because in this case, in this rare and unique case, if some crazy, unstable, schizophrenic nut-job decides to murder the entire blessed flock of the Westboro Baptist Church, I’d gladly accept the responsibility.