That Which Does Not Kill Us... Someday Will

I have noticed that I have an instant and complete contempt for authority figures. Whereas most people (I suspect) are cautious around police officers and have an innate tendency to follow their commands, I have an overwhelming urge to confront them about why I’m being told to do or not do something or ordered around in general. I’m not sure where this comes from. For the most part my interactions with authority figures have been relatively pleasant. The one cop I actually know is probably one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. So what is it about cops, security guards, bouncers, high school lunch ladies and other figures of tyranny that ramps up my hostility index?

I think it stems from the fact that I don’t break the law. Well not the ones that matter. I mean, I don’t hurt anyone, get into fist-fights, steal anything or vandalize property. I don’t spit on the sidewalk, throw my garbage in the street or play loud, thumping music in my car. I help people stranded on the side of the road, I hold the door open for them as they walk by and give up my seat for little old ladies on the bus. That is not to say I’ve never been in trouble. It’s just that when I have been in trouble it’s for no good fucking reason. And that’s where this comes from. It’s always some stupid, self-defeating rule contrary to the good of the whole that I get in trouble for violating.

I have absolutely no patience for officious bureaucratic red tape and meaningless rules. “So tell me Mr. Bus Driver, why can’t I bring a half empty can of soda onto a bus, but I can bring a 64 ounce Big Gulp.” “Well, we only allow beverages with lids.” “But wait, think about it for a second. If I drop my can of Sprite on the bus floor, only a little part of the top of the can will let liquid out. I’ll probably spill a few ounces at most before retrieving it. But if I drop a big, giant paper cup with a little plastic lid, it’s guaranteed to explode like Vesuvius, pouring the entire 64 ounces all over the bus.” I tried to explain that to the driver, but he appeared nonplussed and just pointed to the little sign that read: “Covered Beverages Only”.

That kind of stuff drives me crazy. I become positively apoplectic over this shit, and one day it will kill me. When the aneurysm or hail of bullets shuffles loose my mortal coil, they’ll find my lifeless, contorted body on the floor of the DMV.

Right of the Living Dead

Something happened. I don’t know what it was precisely that set it off, but for some reason or another the politically conservative in the United States have gone absolutely bat-shit fucking crazy. Not the normal kind of crazy we’ve come to expect. No this is a special, new mutant crazy that is as contagious as the Swine Flu but much more dangerous.  I can hear the drum beats of a hundred million screaming barbarians pouring out of the gates of Mordor into our streets, office parks and shopping malls. The really scary part is these people have been walking among us and we didn’t even know it. Sure we saw the occasional nut-job jumping up and down, frothing at the mouth and stammering about some global conspiracy. But these people were few and far between and easy to recognize. For the most part we saw our fellow citizens as something else. Maybe a little off-kilter, but for the most part seemingly normal, harmless people going about the daily business of being… well, humans. We were wrong.

They are zombies.

That’s right. The zombies have arrived. They were infected by the Zombie King and have now become zombies themselves. They have a single-minded sense of purpose. You can’t argue with them, debate them or reason with them. You can’t change their perspective or show them another way to look at things. You can’t simply amicably agree to disagree or expect compromise of any kind. No, all you can do is put on a helmet, grab a baseball bat and run for your life, because they care about one thing and one thing only—eating your brain. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean this figuratively. This is not my attempt at metaphor. These people are real, brain-eating zombies and they are out to fucking get you.

So how did this happen? What could have stirred the cauldron of conservative craziness to the point where we would actually become infested with brain-eating zombies? You may ask: “Who is this Zombie King of which you speak?”

Sarah Palin.

Yep. That’s it. That’s what happened. Sarah Palin happened. That’s how this started. At some point she infected the Republican party and together with their werewolf counterparts (Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck) have created a zombie super-virus that can be spread just by hearing their vitriolic ranting. It’s a powerful virus that infects the weakest and most vulnerable among us; the un-educated, the rural poor, Wal-Mart shoppers.  All this virus requires to infect these people is a little ignorance and a little fear. It’s the time-tested breeding ground for zombie-based pathogens throughout history. Why do you think they always end up in Texas? Sarah Palin showed these people that even if you’ve already eaten your own brain, there are still plenty of others out there that can be consumed by conflated logic.

You heard me right, I said "Zombie King". What... you thought Sarah Palin was a woman?