Can You Make Change for This?

Last night I watched the latest New Hampshire Republican and Democratic debates replayed on CNN—it was a double-header. I was reminded of a baseball game from my youth. I was perhaps 5 years old and went to see the Twins play a double header against the Yankees. Sure, I got to see Reggie Jackson play… but the Yankees kicked the crap out of the Twins. In other words, while there were moments of excitement and even a sense of inward admiration for some of the players, in the end, I felt let down, betrayed and utterly nonplussed by the whole affair.

I won’t bother to replay the events of the Republican debate because I already posted an entry from one of the previous debates (Friday, November 30, 2007) and it was, more or less, the same as this one… a 2 hour long “who can be the biggest prick” contest. So, in the interest of equal time, let’s talk about the Democrats.

Watching the Democrats debate was like watching a four-headed monster from a Godzilla movie who’s only power is to secrete a substance that smells like desperation. As a result of the Iowa Caucus and Obama’s victory which the media claims was a contest between “experience” (Clinton) and “change” (Obama) these people are falling over themselves to be the next change agent. In fact, the word “change” was used a total of 59 times by the candidates in this debate. Clinton being the heaviest user at 23, with Obama and Edwards weighing in at 15 and 14 respectively. Bill Richardson obviously cares the least about “change” with only 7 mentions... not that anyone gives a fuck about him.

At one point during the change debate all four candidates started shouting about "change" passionately over each other for about 8 seconds. I don’t think there’s a word that describes the sound of four people stammering simultaneously but it sounds something like this: “bing-im-a-butbutnow-shwagun-makes-mikshaw-helf-a-flinger-mush”. There’s your new onomatopoeia for 2008.

Watching four career politicians (none of whom have been in a high elected office for very long) debate who can bring about change versus who has more experience is like watching two seventeen year olds fight through their divorce. They had no business being married in the first place and they sure as fuck don’t know what they are talking about now.

As I did with the Republicans, here is my handy-dandy guide to help the discerning reader make their choice in 2008:

Candidate Summary

- Hillary Clinton is a self-important, passive aggressive know-it-all.

- Barack Obama is fluffy, feel-good blow-hard in over his head.

- John Edwards is a self righteous robot lacking original thought.

- Bill Richardson is… well, irrelevant.

The highlight of the night was watching the transition moment between debates when the Republicans left the stage and the Democrats entered. They were all on-stage together and were cordial and shook hands… almost hugged each other. It was actually kind of nice to see. Until George Stephanopolous (that smug little prick) made his observation that the real question was who would kiss Hillary. Aside from that bit of nonsense, the thing I noticed was how Obama came out and practically made out with McCain then strode right past Fred Thompson like Paris Hilton snubbing Nicole Ritchie after a particularly nasty cat fight.

Awesome.