Unsafe At Any Speed

Minnesota State Representative Mike Jaros (DFL-Duluth) has been kind enough to put forward a bill designed to protect me from the menace of vehicular mobile phone mayhem. The goal is to ban mobile phones for use while driving--but just the hand-held variety. If you have a hands-free set you’re fine. He tried to ban them entirely last year: "I had it so you couldn't use the cell phone at all," Jaros told KARE 11, "And I changed it to hands-free, you could still use the cell phone but you can not hold on to it."

His argument is that the distracting nature of holding the device causes as many (if not more) car crashes as drunk driving in Minnesota. The statistics bear that out. This is typically the case across the country. So, he’s right about that. But that sounds to me like a case for changing the DUI laws rather than finding new things to criminalize. He went on to say that it may be inconvenient for some people (Jaros himself doesn’t own a cel. phone), but it’s a small sacrifice to ensure our safety.

The language of the bill he proposes is straightforward enough: "No person may use a mobile telephone while operating a motor vehicle that is in motion unless the mobile telephone is equipped and used with a hands-free device."

Well thank fucking God for this guy.

Someone needs to check to find out if this guy owns stock in a company that sells hands-free devices. Since this practice is such a menace, on par with drunk driving, I think it is only fitting that the punishment for talking on your phone while driving be analogous to DUI punishments. I mean, that makes sense right? If they are equally responsible for car crashes and the damage to our society, then let’s treat them as such.

I've seen people get in their cars with their phones after talking all night. They must have had at least 6 conversations before they got behind the wheel. Then they proceed to talk WHILE they drive. I mean, there's simply no excuse.

First offense is a misdemeanor if you are caught talking for more than .08 hours. You'll receive a $500 fine and 48 hours of community service with at least 4 hours of jail time. We should encourage insurance companies to double your rate and you’ll have to hire a lawyer for $3,000 to plead your case. You also need to spend 2 afternoons in a classroom to learn all about the dangers of phone- driving (this only costs another $300—make your check payable to Mothers Against Mobile Mayhem). You will have one year probation with a 3 month suspended sentence. So if you get caught again you will automatically go to prison for 90 days.

Second offense, refusing the phone inspection or talking longer than .12 hours is a gross misdemeanor resulting in all of the above, but with a mandatory 30 day prison term. That’s right, you’re going to prison my friend. It’s like committing aggravated assault except with jail time.

Third offense is a felony. Just like robbing a bank, shooting someone in the arm or setting a school on fire. The punishment for such a heinous crime is up to the judge, but at a minimum you are going to prison for at least a year…. typically three to five.

But why stop there? I mean has Representative Jaros ever used an iPod? Those are some damn engaging devices that not only require you to use your hands, but one must also look directly at it…much more distracting than talking on a phone. What about an iPhone? Holy shit! It’s the mother of all roadway distractions! What about applying make-up? Ladies, you know you shouldn’t do that, I think a little time behind bars might teach you a lesson. I for one, use my electric razor in the car. Yep, I’m one of those guys and I need to be punished. Since the problem seems not to be the conversation, but rather the use of one of your hands, shouldn’t we make it mandatory to keep both hands on the wheel at all times? We need an immediate ban on manual transmissions.

Until these appropriate and reasonable punishments are applied to this menacing problem, I simply won’t feel safe. I encourage you to write your legislators and tell them to enact these penalties for the crime of Phoning & Driving.