As we go through life, people enter and exit through the revolving door of acquaintance and friendship. In one’s professional life there are relationships that seem so important and so enduring that imagining a time when you are not in daily contact with that person seems absurd. But sure enough, a couple of weeks at a new job and you can’t seem to remember their last name. I have always found the deconstruction of such relationships to be sad.
When you run into these people on the street some years later, you both lie and say you’ll keep in touch and maybe get together for lunch some time. You dutifully exchange numbers again and part company feeling guilty for the lie. It’s the worst kind of lie because both parties want to believe it, but both know it isn’t true. This once important part of your life will fade into obscurity, filed away in the rolodex of things lost.
I hate that.
There are, of course, some relationships that don’t lose their luster, or at least you don’t wish them to. I have a list of such people… a list of people that I simply refuse to forget. These are people for whom, even after years of not speaking, I would do just about anything. But there are rules to the list:
The New Jersey Rule: If this person called you at 3am from a jail in New Jersey (or some other far off land of the damned), you would drop what your doing, take time off work and go bail them out.
The Assumption of Respect Clause: It is important to only add those people to your list who would not take advantage of your unconditional generosity. In other words, you can assume that they would not be calling you from New Jersey unless they have exhausted all other reasonable options.
The Reciprocity Rule: You must assume that this person would do the same for you. Although you can’t know for sure… confidence should be high.
The Longevity Rule: You really shouldn’t add people to your list that you have known for less than 10 years. There are exceptions, but they are rare.
The Most Important Rule: Be careful about who you add to your list, for though you may add to the list… you may not subtract. Once on the list, they are on it for the duration.
It’s that last one that grabs one by the throat and forces the truth to the surface. You have to live with this decision for the rest of your life… or theirs, or whichever ends first. You had better be sure. Really really sure.
In my 36 years of living I have managed to build my list to what I feel is a sizable number. You know who you are… all eight of you.
mal•a•prop n. - the unintentional misuse of a word by confusion with one that sounds similar
Example: You need an altitude adjustment, you’re too self-defecating.”
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prop•o•si•tion (prp-zshn) n.
1. A Subject for discussion or analysis.
2. A statement that affirms or denies something.
Example: “I think you should go play a nice game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.”
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13 comments:
Oh god...The List. We had a lengthy debate about this recently. One topic of contention was whether or not The List rules ALWAYS apply. What if you are on your honeymoon, for example? Your wife should be number 1 on The List, right? Isn't making her happy more important than saving someone you haven't spoken to in 20 years?
I've been married for 6 years... (to the same guy and to the surprise I'm sure of many.) In fact, only one person on my list actually had the balls to ask me if I was sure about getting married when I did even though I'm sure there were many who thought Robert and I would never make through the first month. I hope that friend is confident now that I did make the right decision.
Anyway, both of us understand that if someone on our list called, we would respond and assist, no matter where we were or what we were doing.
True friendship is rare and should be valued. Work friendships just seem so real because you are together all the time. Once the daily contact ends, maintaining the friendship is too hard. I've been saddened by that on many occasions myself.
I have 4 people on my List. And I hope that those 4 people have me on their list because I would drop anything and do everything I could if they needed me.
And I can't help but comment on megan's question. Your spouse should understand and support your obligations to List friends. If you are constantly dropping everything all the time to help lots of different people on your List, I would suggest that perhaps you have too many people on your list. And you can't make someone happy.
Megan, in answer to your question... no.
Anyone on your list would know you were on your honeymoon, or would soon find out, and then would make a decision as to whether or not they still needed you based on that information. See the Assumption of Respect Clause.
Now that I think about it, a honeymoon is pretty much a no brainer. In fact, you may not even need to be on the list in order for me to leave my honeymoon. It's just a vacation after all. A better example may be attending your mother's funeral, or the birth of your first child. If someone on my list decided it was important enough to disrupt an event like that, I could only assume it was a matter of life and death, and as such... away I go.
As far as rank. The list does not discriminate in importance. You can rank people in importance to you in your life if you want to, but that has nothing to do with the list.
Patina,
Four people. That's a tight list. I like it.
I am sure your friend is happy for you, supports your decision and is pleased that you're happy.
Sounds like just the sort of person you'd want on your list.
On a side note, I realize that not everyone works in the same as I do. It should be noted that the list is exclusive to humans. All humans. So that can, but not necessarily, include family. They don’t get an automatic addition to the list because they happen to be related to you.
I would go so far as to avoid adding one's children to the list until they reach a certain age. You never know.
People at work. Fuck 'em. Same with the high school reunion.
But what about sub-lists? For instance, there is a small number of people whom I cherish at some level, but with whom I've sadly fallen long out of touch. I'd love to enjoy the proverbial cup of coffee with them, or maybe even a happy hour. But I don't want them calling me from New Jersey. "Sorry. Wrong number."
Admittedly, these "cherished" people are mostly just women I've had sex with at one time or another.
You know who you are. All 75 of you.
Well, if the rules are law, then I don't think I have a list. I'm not so much of an idealist as to believe that I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for another human being. I would certainly do a lot for the people I care about, if they were in trouble. But I think it's ridiculous that anyone could ever truly be somebody's last hope. The world is large and filled with lots of people. And I would characterize the connections between those people as a continuous network/web, rather than a never-ending series of dead ends. So, by that rational, if not me, then there's someone else that can help. Especially if I'm on my honeymoon, about to give birth, standing by my mother’s death bed, or whatever may seem more important at the moment.
Maybe the New Jersey thing isn't the best example for illustrating the meaning of the list. How about the example of a hundred bucks?
There are people that, if they called me and needed it, I'd give them a hundred bucks. No questions asked. Pay me back, don't pay me back, doesn't matter. You're on my list, man. I know that you honor me as a friend and would never abuse my generosity.
Megan, can I have a hundred bucks?
Aren't you like a bajillionaire, Pat?
But sure, if you're in desperate need of a bit more cash to dive into (Scrooge McDuck style), then I'll supply you another hundo. Maybe in ones, to make for a softer landing.
;)
Hundo. :-)
Sure, you could use money instead of a trip to NJ. It's just not as, ya know, cool. So would you cash out your 401k? No? Then not on the list.
Megan, so let me ask you... would you leave your honeymoon, or cancel your wedding the day of, to be with your father/mother on their death bed? You see the point here is that there ARE scenarios where there is only one option, one salvation or one choice. If you've lived a life where you've never run out of options I envy you.
But you are right, of course, there are USUALLY options. Someone on my list would adhere to the Assumption of Respect Clause. But if they did, and still sent word for assistance... it must be done, for one must assume that there are no other options for them.
If I didn't have to leave my honeymoon and could solve their problem by wiring money or finding a proxy to help, then all the better. As such, it would be a rare circumstance indeed that such a drastic measure would be required in this day and age. But should it come to pass, I stand at the ready.
This brings up a point I haven't considred. What happens when two people on your list require mutually exclusive assistance? I have no contingency for that. I suspect however that one of them would volunteer to sacrifice themselves for me or the other.
I think children are independent of the list, regardless of age. If my children and someone on my list were drowning, I'd save my kids. My list friend would certainly understand.
But the beauty of List friends is you can't define the rules. Its an unconditional respect and love for those people, regardless of the amount of contact you have.
I don't believe in the idea of love at first site or finding that single person out there who is my soulmate and "meant" to be with me. However, I do believe that my List friends are my soulmates. A connection exists there that goes beyond common sense, rules, or definition.
Not everyone has these friends. So cherish who they are and be sure you're identifying the right people as your list friends.
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