Every year around this time, we are inundated with commercials reminding us that a diamond is forever and if you don’t go to Jared you’re a shit-head. These commercials have pissed me off for years and they’re always the same. Some guy surprises his special gal with a diamond and she immediately starts to kiss him, or drag him into the bedroom. The underlying premise is simple:“That special woman in your life is a dirty fucking whore and we both know it. So buy this ridiculous piece of jewelry… it’s time to pay the pimp.”
I find it insulting to men and women… something universally insulting that neither gender seems to mind. Men grudgingly fork over ten percent of their income for the latest trend in diamond jewelry, and women turn into a drunk cheerleaders at their first frat party at the sight of that little box.
This year’s new thing is the “Journey Pendant”. This is a little “S” shaped diamond string with the stones becoming increasingly large as they trail downward. The romantic in me sees the implication here--the diamonds grow larger as our love grows stronger on this journey we are taking together. However, the cynic in me says that, as this chick gets older and uglier, she costs more to fuck.
That’s not really the journey I had in mind. You want to take a journey? How about you take that money you would have spent on that rock and fly her to South Africa or some other conflict-ridden diamond producing country where the people are exploited and the rich benefactors funnel millions of dollars into perpetuating the corruption and poverty in order to better line their pockets with this blood money... your money. These diamond cartels are so corrupt and monopolistic they make Microsoft look like a group of nuns going door-to-door selling Girl Scout cookies to raise money for the Red Cross.
The people selling this line of crap are scum. I can’t think of anything else to describe them. They rely on the stereotype of a world where men are all thick-headed, incompetent, henpecked, hapless losers trapped in a marriage with a shrill, overbearing, frigid harpy of a wife who’s turned into a common prostitute.
“Every kiss begins with Kay.”
Fuck you.
Oh, and Happy Holidays.
2 comments:
I hate those ads too and I love jewelry.
Happy Holidays to you too!
I used to work at Gordon's Jewelry (owned by Zales). I decided enough was enough when, after 9/11, the company pulled all Tanzanite because the sale of this gem had allegedly been associated with funding terrorism. We had to put a sign up on the counter with this new company policy. A rousing ode to America and the American Way, brought to you by the biggest diamond seller in the country. We even had to wear little American flag pins on our lapels.
Diamonds were safe and clean as a Tommy Hilfiger advertisment, though - NO WAY were they tainted by Osama bin Laden. Those had NOTHING to do with terrorists or conflict in any way. I'm sure this altruistic policy didn't have anything to do with the fact that the Tanzanite that was available was total crap and no one was buying it anyway.
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