Same Shit Different Day

I hate to bring up another bathroom etiquette post because I think this subject has been beaten to death. However, I need to get this off my chest.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

On what fucking planet is it acceptable to piss on a toilet seat? First of all, you have no business taking a leak in a stall. That’s what the urinals are for. But let’s assume that they are all busy. What are you thinking? “Hmmmm, I could lift the seat up and do my business, or… I could just piss all over the toilet seat like a howler monkey marking his territory. I want to force other people to sit on my urine droplets later.”

Seriously, what’s the thought process there?

I think I know who these people are. These are the guys who always use the stall, no matter what. They are shy and afraid to use public restrooms at all. They would never dream of actually taking a dump in one of them. Maybe they assume that since they would never use a public toilet for a two-sey, then no one else does either—and therefore no harm done. Believe me, I understand the hesitancy, even disgust, at the thought of dropping a deuce in a public bathroom. I share it. But my good friend Pat once said something profoundly wise: “Always poop at your place work. I mean, you might as well get paid to poop.”

Brilliant.

Perhaps the hesitancy lies in the lack of etiquette displayed by others. Today I was in a stall doing my business. There are three stalls and I, of course, take one of the end stalls so as to encourage others not to plop down directly next to me. We all know how this ends. Some inconsiderate prick takes the stall right next to me and begins to unload. Some people have absolutely no dignity.

Then there’s always the awkward and universally unwelcome side-by-side urinal chit chat from a stranger. As if I really want to chat about the weather with my dick in my hand next to a stranger. “Do I think it’s going to rain? Hmmm. I’m not sure, hang on a minute, let me cup my balls and see if the right one is hanging down lower than the left one because if it is, then it’s going to rain. Better yet, let me cup your balls. Here, hold on to my cock for me while I check that out.” Jesus Christ.

Even if your justification for using a stall to pee is avoiding others in the men’s room, there is absolutely no reason to not lift the seat. It’s a MEN’S room. You don’t need to worry about your wife yelling at you for leaving the seat up. We all know to check it before we sit down. That’s what men do… we check the toilet seat. Fundamentally, that’s what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

The next time I walk into a stall and I find the toilet seat covered in urine I am going to take a shit in the urinal, piss in the sink and throw my used, crap-encrusted toilet paper against the mirror. Might as well finish the job.