I have recently been reminded of my penchant for what I call “hyper-anti-climactic jokes”. Before I go into them, be advised, there are only five people on planet Earth who find this even remotely funny. Three of them read this blog and the other two are most likely in China or India. That said, here they are (continue reading at your own risk):
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “I’ve had a really bad day.”
So a priest, a rabbi and a politician are on an airplane that’s about to crash. There are only two parachutes. One of them is going to die.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first cannibal asks, “Does this taste funny to you?” The second cannibal replies, “Nope, tastes fine to me.”
Hitler dies and meets Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. He asks Peter, “So, can I get into Heaven?” Peter replies, “No.”
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic who is destroying his family.
“Knock Knock” - “Who’s there?” - “Someone at the door.”
How many goldfish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Goldfish can’t screw in light bulbs.
So a blonde, a brunette and a red-head all jump off of a cliff at the same time. Who will hit the ground first? Answer: Hair color doesn’t impact the speed with which an object falls.
So this family goes to see a talent agent. The agent says, "Okay, tell me about your act." “Well... the grandmother fucks a goat. The mom and dad do it doggy-style in a church pew. There's finger fucking, dildo-licking, group sex, beastiality, and for the finale grampa fucks a dead guy up the ass.” The shocked talent agent says: "What do you call yourselves?” "The Smiths."
I was going to acknowledge those who contributed some of these jokes. Then I thought better of it, assuming they would prefer to remain anonymous.
mal•a•prop n. - the unintentional misuse of a word by confusion with one that sounds similar
Example: You need an altitude adjustment, you’re too self-defecating.”
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prop•o•si•tion (prp-zshn) n.
1. A Subject for discussion or analysis.
2. A statement that affirms or denies something.
Example: “I think you should go play a nice game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.”
Friday, April 4, 2008
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5 comments:
I'm sitting at my desk, laughing out loud at some of these "jokes." A co-worker walks in and asks what's so funny. So I share the alcoholic walking into the bar joke.
She looks at me with a slightly confused expression on her face and says, "That's not funny."
I reply, "I know... that's whats funny about it."
She then says, "I don't get it."
Right.
Dog limps into a bar. Bartender says, "Can I help you?" Somebody had shot the dog in the foot with a gun.
I'm sorry that I'm only getting to this now. It's gold, Jerry, gold. You need to hit the standup circuit with this routine... just once, posing as an amateur even though you've done it before. And it needs to be documented. The resulting movie will be posted on YouTube in five minute segments. And somehow, we'll all be famous.
"Take my wife. She's a really nice person and I love her a lot."
"I just flew in from Cleveland, and it was a pretty good flight."
(Silence.)
"So anyway..."
[Don't forget the "so anyway." It's the anti-catch phrase. Er, release phrase.]
Penguin drops his car off at the mechanic, then goes across the street for some ice cream. Not having hands, the penguin ends up getting ice cream all over his beak. When he gets back to the shop the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." And the penguin says, "How much will it cost to fix that?"
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