The Dating Game

There’s a well documented phenomenon that I feel compelled to address… fat guys and the hot chicks who love them. Ever since Jackie Gleason made professional failure and spousal abuse hilarious on the Honeymooners, this has been a staple of the American sit-com, especially of the cartoon variety: The Flintstones, The Simpson’s, Family Guy, King of Queens just to name a few. As a short, aging fat guy I applaud this effort by the American media to brainwash the women of this country into buying into that double standard. Sadly however, I don’t think their efforts have been successful.

I was watching this show, Millionaire Matchmaker, where this oddly unattractive woman and her minions hook up millionaires with hotties who want to date them. Sort of the inverse of the fat guy hot wife sit-com phenom. It goes without saying that the stated policies Millionaire Matchmaker are that they do not accept girls who are gold diggers and the men are not allowed to have sex until the contract is over. Of course, this is all a lie. If this wasn’t about rich guys finding a chick they can pay to have sex with the show would just be called “Matchmaker”. So this is televised prostitution. I’m fine with that. But one thing I noticed sort of stuck out at me. There was this nice guy, obviously rich and successful, who didn’t seem like a dick and genuinely was looking for a relationship. Sounds like dream come true to these would-be heiresses. But very few were interested in him. Why you ask? Well because, in spite of being fairly good-looking, he was only 5’9”. What a loser! It’s not like these women were tall, they were like 5’6” to 5’9”.

This is, of course, shallow and lame. What’s that you say? “It’s a TV show Scott, what do you expect? That’s just those people they pre-screen for this to make it seem that people are pettier than they really are.”

Perhaps.

So today over lunch I perused the personals in a couple of local papers to get a sense for what people were looking for in a mate. I’ll admit, I’m not into the dating scene. I’m not on the market and haven’t been for quite some time. As such I was surprised by how little information was available. So I turned to the online standby: Match.com. As I perused the profiles of men and women looking for that special someone I noticed a common thread among all the profiles. They are all a pack of lies. Every God damned last one of them.

So in an effort to help out any single readers looking to meet that special someone here’s my handy translation to some of the most common lies I found:

What he says: “I’m looking for a woman who isn’t needy.”
What he means: “I’ll pay for dinner if you put out, but don’t expect me to talk about our ‘relationship’.”

What she says: “I want a man who is caring and patient who isn’t obsessed with sex.”
What she means: “I don’t give blow jobs.”

What he says: “I want a woman who can have a good time and I enjoy being with and just hanging out.”
What he means: “Do whatever I want to do when I want to do it and we’ll be fine… oh, and I’m broke.”

What she says: “I’m not into games.”
What she means: “I’m into games.”

What he says: “I’m a nice guy.”
What he means: “I’ve got a beer belly and I’m desperate to get laid.”

What she says: “I’m looking for a nice guy.”
What she means: “I’ve been cheated on, messed with and dumped repeatedly. I have a chip on my shoulder about it, but am still looking for a guy to do that to me again.”

What he says: “I don’t like the bar the scene.”
What he means: “I get drunk a lot and hit on chicks in bars without success.”

What she says: “I need a partner in crime.”
What she means: “I’m a tease.”

Oh and don’t forget about the “angles”. Be wary of the photos that clearly hid one’s true appearance. Shot at obscure angles with over lighting to conceal the fact that he/she weighs 250lbs or has a hunch-back.

Good luck out there.