With the release of the Mitchell Report yesterday detailing the sad state of Major League Baseball, it got me thinking about our collective consciousness and what we think of as “sad”. I’ve been trying to think of the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The demise of baseball is not one of them. Frankly, I could care less. No, I'm looking for another kind of sad. Not tragic-sad like Darfur, but more along the lines of “pathetic-sad”. Like an empty fish tank. That’s kind of sad. Watching an old lady miss her bus with an armful of cheap Christmas presents she bought at the Walgreens for her grandkids on a cold winter day. Also sad. But, like most things, I found what I was looking for in a bar.
It’s really sad when you see a couple of “dudes” who are just horrible and being misogynists. I mean, they try. They sit at the bar and make inappropriate jokes that aren’t funny—which is really the first step. But they never seem to be able to close the deal. It just comes across as vulgar and a little more than just a little pathetic. Listen guys if you are going to embark on a public activity that precludes you from getting laid, you may as well do it correctly. I guess it’s not just misogyny, really it could be any form of socially unacceptable behavior. If you’re going to do it… commit to it. If you’re going to go on a tirade about women, do it with zeal. Otherwise it just makes you look… gay.
So here are some tips on how to make your misanthropic objective of societal alienation a little more effective.
Don’t refer to women as “chicks” or “bitches”, you should use the words “women” and “females”. “Woman”, especially when referring to a man, has the effect of taking the strength out of their gender by co-opting it as a derogatory term. “Females” is particularly effective at de-humanizing women… referring to them in much the same way one would a badger or some other lower order mammal.
Skip the “sexist” jokes. Humor is designed to be a form of social expression. You’re goal here is to ostracize yourself from society and isolate yourself from the rest of the people around you, not engage in behavior that simply re-enforces social interaction. You can be funny, but “joke-telling” is not the way to go. There is a rich landscape of opportunity here, female drivers, women in business… Oprah. Take advantage of it. Pass around a petition to end "women's suffrage" and see how many 22 year old drunk girls you can get to sign it. Now that's funny.
You can judge the effectiveness of your commentary by how women react to it. Over-the-top outrage from a woman means you have missed the mark. They are simply responding to your stupidity with an exaggerated sense of indignation, but she will still engage you in debate. Your goal is to make your typical woman turn red, squint her eyes and simply walk away from you in utter frustration and disgust. She should be so offended that she is unable to even speak. Now you’re on track.
Expand on your observations. Just making a little quip here or there is insufficient… unless you can string together about 5 minutes worth of really good ones. No, you should tell a story with the bottled-up hate you have inside. It’s a resource, and you should learn to tap it for all it’s worth. Like a Sith Lord you need to embrace that anger and give in to the hate for it makes you powerful.
Finally, commit to your antisocial behavior. Don’t back-pedal and start sounding reasonable just because you think you have a chance to get laid. Never alter your behavior, regardless of how hot she may be. Remember, no matter how hot she is, there's some dude who is tired of fucking her.*
*Example of a quip that one should never use.
It’s really sad when you see a couple of “dudes” who are just horrible and being misogynists. I mean, they try. They sit at the bar and make inappropriate jokes that aren’t funny—which is really the first step. But they never seem to be able to close the deal. It just comes across as vulgar and a little more than just a little pathetic. Listen guys if you are going to embark on a public activity that precludes you from getting laid, you may as well do it correctly. I guess it’s not just misogyny, really it could be any form of socially unacceptable behavior. If you’re going to do it… commit to it. If you’re going to go on a tirade about women, do it with zeal. Otherwise it just makes you look… gay.
So here are some tips on how to make your misanthropic objective of societal alienation a little more effective.
Don’t refer to women as “chicks” or “bitches”, you should use the words “women” and “females”. “Woman”, especially when referring to a man, has the effect of taking the strength out of their gender by co-opting it as a derogatory term. “Females” is particularly effective at de-humanizing women… referring to them in much the same way one would a badger or some other lower order mammal.
Skip the “sexist” jokes. Humor is designed to be a form of social expression. You’re goal here is to ostracize yourself from society and isolate yourself from the rest of the people around you, not engage in behavior that simply re-enforces social interaction. You can be funny, but “joke-telling” is not the way to go. There is a rich landscape of opportunity here, female drivers, women in business… Oprah. Take advantage of it. Pass around a petition to end "women's suffrage" and see how many 22 year old drunk girls you can get to sign it. Now that's funny.
You can judge the effectiveness of your commentary by how women react to it. Over-the-top outrage from a woman means you have missed the mark. They are simply responding to your stupidity with an exaggerated sense of indignation, but she will still engage you in debate. Your goal is to make your typical woman turn red, squint her eyes and simply walk away from you in utter frustration and disgust. She should be so offended that she is unable to even speak. Now you’re on track.
Expand on your observations. Just making a little quip here or there is insufficient… unless you can string together about 5 minutes worth of really good ones. No, you should tell a story with the bottled-up hate you have inside. It’s a resource, and you should learn to tap it for all it’s worth. Like a Sith Lord you need to embrace that anger and give in to the hate for it makes you powerful.
Finally, commit to your antisocial behavior. Don’t back-pedal and start sounding reasonable just because you think you have a chance to get laid. Never alter your behavior, regardless of how hot she may be. Remember, no matter how hot she is, there's some dude who is tired of fucking her.*
*Example of a quip that one should never use.
3 comments:
Who are the 2 guys in that photo?
Once again, nail on the head Malap.
I was in the gym yesterday (he says, flexing his pecks ever-so-slightly), and while shaving I overheard a conversation between these two guys.
Well, they were different guys from yours, but really they were also the same guys.
Here's how the conversation started:
Dude 1: Hey dude. Why'd you use that treadmill next to the window today?
Dude 2: So I could check out the ass of that hottie in the treadmill in the front row. (Mimics her by sticking his own ass out while fake-walking.)
Dude 1: Oh, good reason dude.
Dude 2: Yeah, you know I've got my priorities on fucking straight!
The conversation continued for some time after that--something about poking, and boning, and fucking-and-leaving--but I sort of tuned the rest of it out, which was difficult considering how loud they were.
That reminds me of my favorite overheard urinal conversation, in some steakhouse, where two guys came to agreement that, "If your old lady don't let you go to the titty bar once in a while, then she ain't worth keeping."
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