No Apology Necessary

Have you ever been in a heated debate when suddenly the person opposite you crosses the line and says something so egregiously offensive that you simply can no longer tolerate it? Well I have, and usually I’m the offensive asshole. But in those instances when I’m not, I’ll often hear the words: “Well… I’m sorry if you’re offended.” As if this makes it okay. Is this supposed to be some sort of apology? Because it isn’t. It’s their way of saying: “You’re a huge pussy and I feel sorry for you because you’re simply too stupid to agree with me.” But it works like some fucked-up Jedi mind-trick on people. The receiver of this back-handed apology almost always accepts it as they want to hear it… as an actual apology. Whereas the giver of said not-an-apology gets away with not actually apologizing. Everybody wins right? Wrong.

You can’t let these people get away with this shit.

There are only two correct ways to respond to someone who apologizes “if they have offended you”. The first is to say: “Well, you DID actually offend me. So the question now becomes, are you apologizing for the fact that I am offended, or are you apologizing for that outrageously shitty thing you just said or did that caused me to be offended? One of those apologies I will accept, the other I will not.” Oh, they will act all outraged at your belligerence, pretending that they did, in fact, apologize and now you’re somehow the jerk who is without any sense of civility. Ignore this. They’re busted and they know it. They are now confronted with the reality of not only the initial offense, but the more embarrassing act of attempting to manipulate you into believing yet another of their lies. Chances are they will act offended… this is your opportunity to say: “Well… I’m sorry if you feel offended.”.

The only other appropriate response when receiving a not-an-apology is to take a moment of silence, look them in the eye, extend your left hand for a handshake and then use your right hand to punch them in the throat as hard as you can. When they are lying prostrate on the ground, gasping for air, simply bend over and tell them: “I’m sorry if you’re having trouble breathing.”

Oh, and don’t get me started on the whole “No offense, but…” prefix to a sentence. The next words about to come out of that douche bag’s mouth are guaranteed to be intentionally and purposefully offensive. When you hear that phrase, just re-scramble the words in your head so that you instead hear what they actually mean: “I’m a complete asshole who realizes I have absolutely no fucking idea what I am talking about, but my narcissistic, bullshit opinion must be heard regardless of how racist, ignorant or cruel it is.”

“Hey, no offense, but you’re ugly, your children are stupid and you’re wife is a two-dollar truck-stop whore. But ya know… no offense.”