Boom!

As promised, it’s high time we address the issue of old people, and how much they irritate me. First we must define the term “old people”. For the purposes of this discussion, “old people” are defined as anyone older than me. That definition will hold true until such time as I am dead. But let’s start with the Baby Boomers. God I hate the Baby Boomers. They exhibit, in large part, what I hate about old people in general—this ignorant sense of self-entitlement and smug superiority. That’s really what it comes down to. They’re not the “Greatest Generation”. They are that generation's annoying kids. They are the generation that hoarded all the goodies from the piñata of post-WWII America, piled them up in a big field and set them on fire.

Thanks.

These people have no concept of what life is like for anyone younger than them. They have given their progeny the gift of a lower quality of life. For the first time in America (as far I can tell) their children are not going to have it better than they did. The selfish bastards. We are going backward and they don’t see it. They sit back and scratch their Rogaine-covered heads in bewteen sipping a Stabuck's latte and getting their Viagra prescription refilled wondering aloud: “Why can’t my kids seem to buy a house or afford college? When I was their age, I owned my own home had a college degree and already had children.” Maybe it’s because a new house doesn’t cost $30,000 any more and that the cost of a college education is roughly equivalent to the gross domestic product of Albania.

Do they realize that no one under 40 even thinks about Social Security? It’s not even considered. It’s just another tax. Like a user-fee at the library (remember libraries?). We just assume that all that money we are paying is going to go help somebody else or go toward some great public service. It’s not that we don’t think we’ll ever see any of that money again; it’s that we know we won’t. As such, it doesn’t even occur to us to think about it. Of course, if we did think about it we’d realize where all that money is going… to the Baby Boomers. The same self-important egomaniacal, irresponsible pricks that gave us this standard of living we are enjoying today.

Every time I hear one of these “old people” talk about the “good old days” and how younger people simply can’t handle responsibility, it makes me want smash a Neil Diamond album over their heads, tie an ascot around their necks and drag them bodily behind their Volvo through the streets of Maple Grove.

So thank you Baby Boomers. Thanks for the culture of distrust and for sucking every ounce of marrow from our economic future. Because you fucked everyone you met, we can’t fuck anyone. Thanks for that as well. I can’t wait to sit my grandkids on my lap and tell them stories about what life was like before we had to live in the dome.

As for the “Greatest Generation”… you raised these people. Thanks a lot assholes.