Greek Tradgedy

The world is catching Olympic fever. Which is appropriate because it’s making me ill. I have a really hard time getting excited about the Olympics. I am not sure why. I am un-moved by the spirit of the games and the unity of global competition. Maybe it’s because in these difficult times, it’s sometimes hard to focus on the big picture. It could be that I am simply too pre-occupied with my daily life to appreciate the magical nature of the planet coming together as one while embracing the tradition and spirit of sportsmanship and personal achievement. Or, it could be that I don’t give a shit because they are boring, stupid and pointless.

As a child, I had always imagined that the Olympics were about determining who is the best in the World at something... something important. I got that stuck in my head and there it has remained all these years. Perhaps it’s because this is what they were originally designed to do… find out who are the fastest, strongest and most enduring athletes on the planet. However, in an effort to completely avoid learning this information, the IOC has provided us with the modern Olympic Games. The Olympics shouldn’t be about just anything. Given enough time I could be the best in the World at throwing water balloons into a top-hat while moon-walking. In fact, I may already be. Now imagine this stupid, ridiculous and pointless activity being called a sport and split up into the “Ten Yard Women’s Pairs Water Balloon Moon-walk Hat Toss” and the “Men’s Singles Two-Yard Combined Moon-walk Hat Toss Team Relay”. I guess what I am really driving at here is: Why the hell do I care about who can ride a sled down a tube of ice the fastest? What the hell does that prove? “Hey everyone, gravity exists!”

There are fifteen categories of sanctioned sports in this year’s Olympics. Within these categories there are over 300 individual competitions. That’s 300 gold medals. So there are 300 of the best in the world. There can’t be 300 of the best in the world. It’s too many. It means they are equally bad. The Olympics need to adhere to “Highlander Rules”. There can be only one. There is only one best skier, ice skater and hockey player. There are no team sports or referees in my vision of the Olympics. There is no “opinion” around any of this. I can take those 300 + events and get them down to a meaningful and manageable number with a few simple rules:

No Team Sports

There should be no team sports in the Olympics. What if you are by far the best hockey player in the world, but your teammates suck? Well then my friend, you suck too. That sucks.

No Referees or Judges

No sport that requires a referee should be allowed. If you can’t physically time it or mark its distance with a laser pointer and an atomic clock it’s got no place in the Olympics. This isn’t about someone’s opinion on a rule or a style, this should be about accomplishing something concrete.

One Event Per Sport

There need be only one event for each sport. If you ski, then you need to win a ski race. That’s it. Whoever gets to the bottom of the hill fastest wins. That man or woman is the best skier. Done.

No Gender Discrimination

There are no men’s events or women’s events… there are only events. I believe in equality for all. This isn’t about finding the fastest man and then finding the fastest woman, this is about finding the fastest person.

No Silver or Bronze

This is the Olympics. No one gives a shit if you come in second: “Hey look at me! I’m not as good at this as that other person!”

With those rules in place, what remains is, I think, a salient list of what matters. Here is the new list

-Alpine Skiing: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

-Cross Country Skiing: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Biathlon: Removed due to the fact that cross-country skiing already exists and shooting a gun isn’t a sport.

-Skeleton: Re-named to “Sledding” and called “Fastest Down a Hill”.

-Bobsled: Removed due to the fact that we already have sledding.

-Curling: Removed because it’s a team sport. Replaced with “Who Can Slide this Rock Across the Ice the Furthest?”

-Speed Skating: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Figure Skating: Removed because it requires judges and because dancing is also not a sport.

-Freestyle Skiing: Removed because it requires judges and because the best skier already won the skiing race.

-Hockey: Removed because it is both a team sport and requires referees. Replaced with “Bare-Knuckled Boxing on Ice Skates”

-Luge: Removed because it is just another variant of sledding and is, apparently, extremely dangerous.

-Ski Jumping: “Jump the Farthest on Skis”

-Nordic Combined: Cross country skiing AND ski jumping… I think we’ve got it covered, thanks.

-Short Track Speed Skating: Removed because Speed Skating is already an event.

-Snowboarding: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

That’s it. There you have it. Three hundred events reduced to 8. We could get this done on a Saturday afternoon and move on with our lives. Having a gold medal would actually mean something and we could all stop worrying about whether or not some Romanian ice dancer used enough styling gel for his hair-do, and instead point to 8 people at a single award ceremony and say: “Hey, you are actually the best in the world.” Now that’s something I would gladly DVR and watch at a time and place of my choosing without commercial interruption.