Last weekend I went to Chicago for the annual Strictly Sail show. It’s where rich assholes get together and talk about their sailing yachts and poor assholes go to look at boats they can’t afford. I of course, am in the latter category. The drive in and out of the city along the I-90 toll-way reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten about… Republicans aren’t always wrong. You see, over the last ten years Republicans have behaved like complete jack-asses. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when being a Republican didn’t necessarily make you a total douche bag. That time was 1993. Since then, we’ve witnessed an era of progressively more entrenched Republican douche-baggery the likes of which have never been seen. As such, it is easy to forget that the idea of personal and governmental responsibility isn’t such a bad notion. Reducing the amount of governmental waste and the likelihood of corruption can actually be a good thing. Unfortunately, the current crop of conservatives have gone so far off the deep-end that it’s hard to see the value in anything they support because it’s just so damn likely to be something ridiculous, racist, classist or otherwise intentionally ignorant. So to my liberal friends out there I present a case-study on liberal politics and corruption that explains precisely what these conservatives are always bitching about.
As we approach Chicago along the I-90 / 94 corridor, we begin to see notices of the impending toll-way. Time to get out the roll of quarters and get ready for some good old fashioned inconvenience. Now for anyone from the Chicago area this will be old news. But for me, here in this little backwater town of Minneapolis, it was a new experience. We come to the first toll booth, hand over our $1.00 and are on our way. This felt like about 100 miles outside of the city. It was shortly thereafter that I realized I needed to use the loo. But exit after exit, nothing. No McDonald’s, no gas stations, no Motel 6’s to be found. Then I realized why. You see, there is an exit toll to leave the highway as well. This is so that people don’t exit before the toll station, then get back on afterward to avoid paying the toll. Makes sense I guess, if you NEED a toll road, I guess you would have to do this to avoid messy traffic along the side roads near toll booth stops. I also realized that the existence of these exit tolls however, made the road-side fast food joint or gas station obsolete. No one wants to stop for a cheeseburger or a slushy if it costs them an additional $1.00 plus the hassle of paying it to a machine or person again. They would rather wait.
This of course means that for the next 100 miles, you have to “hold it”. Except... lo’! In the distance, like a beacon of hope I saw a sign for the “Oasis”. It’s a supercharged rest-stop with everything you could want. It’s got a gas station, ample parking, and wide range of fast food--from Chinese take-out and McDonalds to little gift shops selling snacks and T-shirts. And this exit required no toll. The “Oasis” actually spanned the freeway which I am sure wasn’t cheap to build. I used the well-kept facility, grabbed a snack, topped off the gas tank and was on my way. No charge to get back onto I-90 either. As we drove on, I noticed another “Oasis” on the horizon. Curious about this first experience, we stopped for a look around. As I suspected, this one was identical. Same shops, same layout, same brands, same prices… the same. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I see exact replicas I sense the presence of a massive government works project. The faint smell of government corruption and inefficiency. I’m sure you know the smell. It kind of smells like… a Teamster. And sure enough, right there on the side of the building, the plaque proudly proclaimed that this “Oasis” was a public/private partnership brought to us by (then) Governor Rod Blagojevech. Like he stamped his name on the side of the building as if to proclaim to the world: “Ha! I fucked you again!” I felt like I just got sucker-punched.
So here was my guess as to how this whole thing went down:
- “We need to raise more revenue to maintain the highway.”
- “No Problem, let’s make it a toll road.”
- “Perfect. Done.”
1 year later…
- “Ummm, all the gas stations and restaurants for 100 miles just went out of business, there’s no place to pee! Oh, and it looks like we just put a bunch of people out of work.”
- “ No Problem. We’ll build some special rest areas and call it an “Oasis”.”
- “Perfect. Done.”
3 months later…
- “Hey, how are we going to pay for those fancy “Oasis” stops? I mean, who’s going to build them?”
- “No Problem. We’ll use the money from the toll road to pay for them.”
- “Perfect. Done… err, wait. Now how are we going to pay for the roads?
- “No Problem. We get Federal money for that anyway.”
- “Oh… so wait a minute, then why did we need to build the toll-way in the first place? It seems like all we accomplished was to put hard working small business owners out of business, inconvenience commuters and create an entirely unnecessary regulatory agency to manage a bloated infrastructure that delivers no net benefit to society.”
- “Yep. You’re welcome! Don’t worry, it all works out because the construction work created union jobs and moved chain-restaurants into non-competitive contracts for which, in exchange, they donated generously to my campaign. So you see, it all works out in the end. Like I said… no problem.”
Well I’ll tell you what... I’ve got a fucking problem… and I don’t even live there. Like I said this is just my guess as to how this went down. After some research I learned that in reality, the depth and breadth of the corruption extends far beyond the ex-governor. Companies were put into bankruptcy, money changed hands under the table and in general this whole nightmare of an experiment in inconvenience is far far more sinister than my pathetic imagination could have guessed.
Here’s a few links that just barely scratch the surface of this fiasco:
So hats off to you my Republican friends. You’ve got this feather in your cap. Here’s your shining example of government in action. Now that said, please remember that just because this happened, doesn’t necessarily mean that absolutely everything that government does is bad. Let me say this again, just to be clear here; we still need government. You can’t use this as an excuse to cut the marginal tax rate to zero and abolish the Department of Education. And to my even more conservative tea-party type readers let me say this. Just because this happened in the State of IL, does not mean that it was Obama’s fault. Stop doing that shit! You see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes it so damn hard to take you seriously.
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