Minnesota Vice

We used to have this thing here in this State called “Minnesota Nice”. If you’re not from here, it’s easy to confuse that term with politeness and courtesy. You’d be half right. Really “Minnesota Nice” is a term where you have to emphasize the word “Minnesota” in an ever so slightly sarcastic tone. Not over the top mind you, just enough to get the point across that there’s something under the surface. For God’s sake don’t be too blatent about it, and don’t speak directly to what you mean… that completely undermines the whole point of the term.


What “Minnesota Nice” really disguises is our love for a polite and passive-aggressive scolding of one sort or another. “That hot dish you served at the potluck was… interesting.” That sort of thing. It only really works if the recipient of the comment has to think for a moment—just a moment—about whether or not they have just been insulted. Which, of course, they have. However, an amazing thing happens. We allow it. We allow it to just roll over us and accept the insult without further comment. Storing that information for later retribution. We’re a patient people, we can wait.


The remarkable result is that this social contract we’ve cultivated over the years called “Minnesota Nice” has allowed us to get on with life. We don’t get bogged down in an argument over the comment, rather, we politely smile, file that moment away, update our list of enemies and move on with the business of getting through the conversation. It’s not personal, it’s just, “ya know, how he is. No biggie.” To an outsider this becomes very annoying, very quickly. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard transplants from Boston or Philadelphia lament, with confusion and expasperation the idea that people simply do not say what’s really on their mind. Sadly, their crys fall on deaf ears because they are speaking directly and forthrightly about the subject to a bunch of Minnesotans who simply won’t abide that sort of thing. I try to explain to them, that this is how it works. And frankly, it works quite well. It’s how we’ve built a social structure that allows us to roll up our sleaves, get past an awkward situation, get beyond an unneccesary argument and move on with the important work of living our lives.


But recently, all this has changed. And I think I know why.


For some reason, “Minnesota Nice” has all but dissapeared. Now the conversation seems to be a bit more direct: “Your hot dish sucks.” This sort of thing is just not what I’ve become accustomed to. As I said, we’re a patient lot for the most part. But also proud. There’s simply no way out of the argument now. There’s no room for negotiation in this sort of social brinkmanship. I can’t pretend that it’s “no biggie” and just move on. We are now at an impass. There can be no compromise. Sound familiar?


There was a time in this State when we got things done. When we could shelve our differences, pretend to be civil to one another and get on with it already. It used to be called the “Minnesota Miracle”.


Excerpt: History of Minnesota, From Wikipedia.
In 1970, Wendell Anderson (DFL) was elected as governor of Minnesota. He spent two years working with a split Minnesota Legislature to enact a tax and school finance reform package that shifted the source of public education funding from local property taxes to state sales taxes, as well as adding excise taxes to liquor and cigarettes. This achievement, dubbed the "Minnesota Miracle", was immensely popular. In the next few years, the Legislature enacted other facets of their "new liberalism", including ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment, strong environmental laws, increases in workers' compensation and unemployment benefits, and elimination of income taxes for the working poor. Time Magazine featured Wendell Anderson and the state in an article entitled, "Minnesota: A State That Works".


“Minnesota Nice” was an organism. It evolved over time to suit a very specific need—the need to get along, at least superficially, in order to get things done. Some would call it a virus that infected those exposed. People who lingered too long in our beloved state would ultimately succumb. I prefer to think if it as an ox. A trusty work animal designed to do the hard work of sowing the seeds of our society. Minnesota is the land of Paul Bunyan after all. “Minnesota Nice”, to me, is a trusty blue ox named Babe that is always at your side, ready to help get the job done.


Michelle Bachman killed Babe.


It used to be that if we didn’t know much about a given subject we would shut the hell up about it and move on. We were willing to accept the fact that we didn’t have all the answers, and as such, should probably not be telling everyone else what those answers were. “Minnesota Nice” was a way to say: “I don’t think I agree with you, but let’s not dwell on that point. How about we focus on something we can agree on and we’ll get back to that later.”


Now we find ourselves in a political and social climate where the louder and less informed you are, the more of a “real American” you become. We are told by extremists on both ends of the political spectrum (but let’s be honest, mostly from the far right), that ignorance is a virtue, that compromise is tantamount to surrender and that surrender is un-American. “Don’t retreat. Reload.” We’re told to ignore those “elitists” who spout off their “facts” and “rational arguments”. They’re just a bunch of socialists or communists… or whatever-ists. In this world, there is no need for “Minnesota Nice”. It serves no purpose. There is only one right way, and that’s my way. Period. I don’t need to understand the details; I just know I’m right. End of discussion. Any disagreement is a direct attack on my way of life. There can be no compromise on this.


I for one, could really go for a nice big serving of interestingly flavored tater-tot hot dish right about now. But could I get some without the "crispy on the outside"? 

Sorry... Your Baby's Ugly.

I routinely find myself in a bit of a moral conundrum when it comes to new parents and their babies. I first discovered the problem in my early teens. Thinking it was a fluke, I let it slide. But over time the problem has persisted. Ugly babies. I know we’ve all heard this before. And it’s not that I have a problem with ugly babies. I don’t even have a problem with parents of ugly babies who believe their babies to be beautiful. They should. No, my problem is with the enablers. You know the ones. They post things on Facebook like: “Oh what a precious picture!!!” “So CUTE!!!!” “She is beautiful.”


Stop that shit.


My personal conflict arises when I’m forced to decide between a lie and silence. Typically I choose the latter. And so should you. You know it’s an ugly baby. I know it’s an ugly baby. We all know that this is one ugly fucking baby. Stop encouraging these poor parents to share more photos, take more photos or otherwise publicly display what should be their own private shame. You’re just making it worse for all of us. I don’t want to look at that ugly fucking baby any more than you do. So if you (like me) can’t bring yourself to tell these poor parents the truth, then just shut the hell up and talk about the weather.


Look, that baby won’t be ugly forever. Eventually it will grow out of that ugly phase and may even morph into a cute child. It may just be a bad picture. Maybe it is generally a cute baby and it’s just having a bad hair day, or a bad malformed head day. I know there’s a few pictures of me when I am not at my best. Here’s a secret… the parents might actually know their baby is ugly. So when you are gushing over how cute he is, you risk exposing yourself as the fraud you are to someone you probably care about. When you look a mother or father in the eyes and lie to their face you not only run the risk of alienating someone you care about, but more importantly, you expose us all to the risk that they may actually start to believe your lie. If that happens, you know as well as I do that they are going to bring that God damned ugly baby to your next party and take pictures of you holding the little monster. Do you really want that?


The real problem in my mind, is that by focusing exclusively on the appearance of another’s baby you ignore the miracle of its existence. I mean think about what happened here. This is the fucking miracle of life and all you can come up with is a lie about its appearance? Really? No wonder we’re a vacuous, image conscious, self-absorbed bunch of arrogant, narcissistic assholes. From birth we are judged solely by our appearance. How about focusing on the little runt’s cognitive abilities: “Hey he’s really good at mimicking my facial expressions.” or “Wow, she has really great motor skills.” No, you want to boil it down to appearance. And worse yet, you’re so focused on reducing this miraculous accomplishment down to looks that you’re even willing to lie about it when simply saying nothing at all would be perfectly acceptable.


So please, for the love of all things holy and just, shut the fuck up about the baby already.


P.S. – This post does not relate to anyone I know. Everyone I know (friends, family, online acquaintances, people I’ve shared an elevator with and anyone reading this) with a baby has an adorable cuddly one that is really really super CUTE!!!!

The Badgering State

I've been watching the Wisconsin protests and debates over that state's "Budget Repair Bill". Essentially this bill does the following:

1.) Requires state workers to contribute 50% of their pension.

2.) Requires state employees to pay 12.6% of their health care premiums.

3.) Eliminates collective bargaining for benefits, only allowing it for wages. Wage increased would have a cap based on inflation.

It's that last one that's causing all the problems. Let's make no mistake here. The primary goal of this bill is not to balance the budget. Governor Walker's claims to the contrary are absurd. The workers have already agreed to concessions that would effectively address the budget goals of the legislation. The purpose of this bill is to undermine the political strength of public unions. Period. The Governor is being a disingenuous liar. If he called the bill: "The 2011 Public Union Eradication Program" he'd be on much more solid ground. And while this will certainly draw the ire of most of my friends, I might actually be able to get behind him on that.


Unions collectively bargain and strike to fight unjust working conditions or wages. This is fight between workers and management. When it comes to public unions however, there is a problem... we're management. That's us. That's our money. I can understand how conservatives get a little upset when they see their tax dollars used to pay higher wages to state workers, who then in-turn, use that money to contribute to Democrats who will vote to raise workers’ wages, so they can give more money to Democrats. Just like I get apoplectic over the Citizens United decision that essentially does the exact same thing for corporations/lobbyists and Republicans. It's a little intellectually dishonest of me to support one and not the other.


We seem to be missing the larger point here though. Most people (Rush Limbaugh notwithstanding) don't think that school teachers are lazy, overpaid parasites. This is why we (management) can vote ourselves tax increases to better fund schools. As concerned owners of this enterprise we call the state, we should want to invest in its future. We shouldn't be bickering over collective bargaining rights and public unions because there should be absolutely no need for them. Teachers shouldn't need to bargain, they should be getting paid so well that the best and brightest among us are waiting in line to interview for the job. It's ridiculous that a school teacher needs to organize in order to protect themselves from... well, from me.


I think we'll find that once school teachers start making $250k+ per year, this whole union thing will seem a little silly and unnecessary to most of them. If Governor Walker really wants to remove the corrupting influence of public labor unions over politics I have a solution. Take that great big tax cut you pushed through and re-allocate all of those funds to teachers and home health care workers. These people hold the future of our nation in the palms of their hands. I bet they'd be perfectly willing to give up those pensions and platinum-coated health benefits if you increased their salaries by a couple hundred G's a year. If we paid these people relative to the value they deliver for our society they’d have plenty of cash on hand to invest in their own 401K, buy their own health care and still retire at age 55.


The protesters and pro-union supporters have been duped into believing this is somehow about collective bargaining by Democratic politicians and left wing union organizers. The supporters of the bill have been duped into believing this is about balancing the budget by right wing fat cats and Republican politicians. But most seriously, we've all been duped into focusing our anger and attention on the wrong issue while politicians on both sides fill the coffers of their campaigns with our money while we're busy screaming at each other.


The bottom line is that public unions are not the issue here. The issue is that we are bad bosses.

God Hates This Post

This weekend an Arizona man by the name of Jared Lee Loughner killed a federal judge and five others in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a member of the United States Congress. Among the dead is a 9 year-old girl named Christina Taylor Green. There is no need for me to contribute to the politicization of this event. There’s plenty of that going on already. We can blame society, or Sarah Palin, or Fox News or Karl Marx or Adolf Hitler or President Obama if we want to. But in the end, it was this asshole, Jared Lee Loughner, who pulled the trigger.


So today I learn of the Westboro Baptist Church's announcement that it will picket the funeral of Christina Green, the 9-year-old victim, whose family is Catholic. True to their past actions they have already fired the first salvo from the “church’s” leader Fred Phelps whose spokesperson (his daughter) said: "God sent the shooter! Praise God for ALL his works, and BE YE THANKFUL!." The controversial church, based in Topeka, has made its name by staging protests at funerals of people who died of AIDS, gay people, soldiers and even Coretta Scott King. If you don’t know this family-run church, they are the ones who picket soldier’s funerals with the big “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God for IED’s” signs while the grieving family of the deceased looks on in horror after the funeral.


So what’s my response to this development? What would I say to the good reverend Fred Phelps and his family of followers? I think it may go something like this: “Shut the fuck up, you stupid, ignorant, self-important, asshole, dipshit, moronic, pathetic, piece-of-shit, dick-wad, scum-sucking, mouth-breathing, evil prick, son-of-a-bitch fuck-stain of a human being!” Or, you know, something along those lines.


Seriously, after a violent and senseless act like the one we witnessed this weekend it really makes one want to turn away from violence. People start asking questions like “What would Jesus do?” Well I’ll tell you… Jesus would likely say something along the lines of: “turn the other cheek” or “love your fellow man” or “forgive your neighbors”. Well, sorry J.C. but clearly that shit just doesn’t cut the mustard. This is the kind of thing that requires a gang of Hell’s Angels to show up and beat the ever-living shit out of these people, drag their broken and bruised bodies to the town square, strip them naked and set them on fire.


I know I may be engaging in “violent rhetoric”, but you know what? I’m fine with that. Because in this case, in this rare and unique case, if some crazy, unstable, schizophrenic nut-job decides to murder the entire blessed flock of the Westboro Baptist Church, I’d gladly accept the responsibility.

A Little Slice of Heaven

Infinity is a fucking cop out. What a bunch of bullshit. "Hey, could you define the Universe for me? Maybe provide a few examples?" "No need my friend. It's just... ya know, infinite." Well thanks a lot science. That clears everything up for me. People throw that word around a lot--infinite. As if they have any clue as to what that actually means. They insert it into theoretical mathematical constructs, typically designed to get around some inconvenient result they've experienced. Not that I am a mathematician or anything, but creating a symbol for infinity ( ∞ ) a made-up concept and then using it in conjunction with something as silly as Pi ( π ) seems to me nothing more than a big huge clusterfuck of a waste of time.

"You see, all we need to do is take the square root of this imaginary fucking idea and divide it by this number that doesn't actually end." So much for the precision of mathematics. It's like playing a big cosmic game of Mad-Libs. You can make anything sound reasonable if you incorporate an undefined, mythical variable. What do we get when we divide infinity by Pi? The same result as dividing unicorns by leprechauns. It doesn't fucking matter because they don't actually exist.

Now I understand that the mathematical properties of infinity allow physicists to develop a better understanding of the physical universe. Yeah, OK, I get it. But if you reduce it down, the reality is that the understanding achieved is based on a construct I don't think any human being is capable of really understanding. I mean, I think we can all understand the basic concept of an infinite value, but we really cannot define it. It's a fundamental problem with the nature of the human condition. Our mortality, the defining characteristic of our existence, just gets in the way. As such, all understanding is relative to understanding something else. Infinity has no relative value. It's why our ancient ancestors ascribed things they didn't understand to the "the Gods". Or more recently, "the God". Or even more recently... ∞.

In the Twilight of Your Years

Alright, I can no longer remain silent on this subject. This whole Twilight saga has really been taking a toll on my psychological and yes, even physical well-being. For starters, it’s not a saga. A saga is a long, detailed account of Icelandic and Nordic adventurers and heroes that were written between the twelfth and thirteenth centuries AD. These are deep, culturally significant tales that are, quite literally, epic. They define the culture of an entire race of people. Three vampire movies does not a saga make. Referring to this pathetically transparent story-line as a “saga” is like comparing a bottle rocket to a nuclear missile. Sure they both shoot in the air and they both explode but one has a little more significance. I’m not sure that’s the best analogy because while a true saga has the significance of a nuclear missile, it lacks the destructive power of the Twilight series. Either way, whether it be missiles or bad vampire movies I fear the end of civilization is near.

From what I understand, the plot line goes something like this. Stupid teenage girl meets intriguingly shy vampire boy. Then some fucking werewolves show up and fuck up everything. Now the stupid girl can’t decide whether she wants to eventually be killed by a vampire or eaten alive by a werewolf. Which, of course, sadly never happens. That about sums it up right? There seems to be a spate of “vampire versus werewolf” movies out there. When exactly did these two completely fictional memes become (im)mortal enemies? Is this concept the brain-child of the same people who gave us “Alien vs. Predator”? Or is it simply the fact that the author realized after the first book that she forgot to include conflict or any other compelling component in her story? “I know! We’ll make them fight werewolves! People will totally buy that crap!”. She was right.

In the interest of full disclosure I have only seen the first of the three movies. I was duped into it: “Oh it’s a movie about vampires? That could be cool. Is Wesley Snipes in it?” No. He is not. So how can I claim to understand the complexities and nuances of this great tale of romance and conflict? Let me reiterate, I’ve seen the first movie. That is sufficient. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I can see why a thirteen-year-old girl might relate to this trite, maudlin, vacuous story. Because let’s face it, most thirteen-year-old girls are trite, maudlin and vacuous. And let’s not forget stupid. That’s just a function of being thirteen. On the flip-side of the gender equation, this explains why thirteen-year-old boys watch pro wrestling. It’s the same thing, but with slightly more homo-erotic undertones.

But here’s what I don’t get. How did this become something that forty-year-old women obsess over? This phenomenon has evolved to the point where women who are old enough to have children who are too old for this nonsense can carry on an hour-long conversation about the merits of “Team Jacob” and lament their frustration over Bella’s hesitant indecisiveness. For that matter I don’t see the appeal of Ultimate Fighter Brock Lesnar to forty-year-old men. Again, same thing, just a little bit more gay. But let’s face it, this is a chick thing. This is the pre-menopausal equivalent of a mid-life crisis. You know who you are. These are otherwise intelligent, accomplished women. Some of you I consider very dear friends, and don’t worry, I still love you.

But please, I am begging you. Please do not post your insights on TwilightMoms.com (yes, it exists), or go to Hot Topic and buy any of a thousand pieces of Twilight-Brand merchandise. We have suffered enough. If I visit my parents over Christmas and find my mom thumbing through a copy of “Eclipse” I’m holding you personally responsible. This whole thing would have passed into obscurity if you weren’t feeding the beast. Let’s face it, by now most teen-age girls with their breathtakingly short attention-spans would have moved on to the next ridiculous fad. Please, let’s let this stupid, cultural-kick-in-the-groin die a slow painful death -- like Bella should have.

Girls are Stupid… Confessions of a Male Feminist

I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my life. “Misogynist jerk” is one of the more common accusations. So let me set the record straight. I am, by any real sense of the word, a feminist. By that I mean, with every sense of my being, I believe that men and women deserve equal treatment. It sounds so simple. With so many scholarly works on the subject available to us, I am certain that I am not breaking any new ground, or revealing anything profound when I say: “Gender equality is disproportionately helpful to me.”

You see, I am a white, American man who comes from a middle-class, Midwestern family with two parents, four grandparents and siblings who loved and nurtured me. I have the benefit of a great public education, went to college, easily found a job and own my own home in a great neighborhood. In other words—I am lucky. I know that. But I want more. I want more of my white-male-privilege, and I want it now! Not because I’ve earned it, but because I want it. So how do I get it?

Feminism.

First let me be so bold as to re-define the word. The word itself (feminism) has become such a “loaded” term. It need not be. It’s really about equality. In the end, that’s all any real feminist wants. Many men don’t believe that. They think that what these “feminists” want is to take over and enslave men. But that’s just a function of the rhetoric feminists use to fight for their goal… equality. The reason they use such rhetoric guys, is because they are dealing with a systemic structure that involves the institutionalization of paternity intrinsic in the religious infrastructure (the Bible), the political infrastructure (the U.S. Constitution) and the biological construct that relieves us (men) of the burden of childbirth. In other words, they’ve got a reason to get all “uppity” when it comes to their rhetoric. My advice to the men out there is simply this; translate everything you hear some “crazy left-wing feminist” says into the words: “I want to be instinctively thought of as an equal by you, even though we have different ways of looking at things.” Because really… that’s all they (or we) want from anyone.

That said, let me cut to the chase. I’m not going to reference all the studies that demonstrate how access to education, birth control or positions in government or corporate leadership by women help society at large. But the World Bank agrees with my premise:

“There is growing evidence that shows that there is a relationship between better economic conditions for women and increased growth of countries," - Mayra Buvinic, director of gender and development at the World Bank. That evidence echoes the major findings of the World Bank's 2006 World Development Report, which noted that "making markets work in more gender-equitable ways can significantly raise women's productivity and incomes and contribute to economic growth. The pursuit of gender equality makes business sense - gender equality is good in itself, but also it is instrumental to the achievement of other goals and key to reduce poverty and attain shared growth." There's no shortage of research on the subject. You have Google… look it up. I already have. And I can tell you that when women are empowered and educated and respected, the entire social and economic infrastructure of that nation or society is enormously enhanced. Seriously… look it up.

My point is simply this. As a disproportionate beneficiary of the existing economic system, increasing the prosperity and longevity of that system serves to further enrich and empower me as well. This makes sense. It’s a universal truth that has slowly been uncovered with the passage time, whether you’re a communist or a capitalist, the result is the same. Doubling the pool of skilled workers and intellectual capital of your society benefits us all. Not to mention the long-term effects of passing this idea on to future generations from mother-to-daughter and mother-to-son. As one of the primary beneficiaries of this system (myself and my white, male counterparts), nothing could please me more. It’s not a zero-sum scenario. Don’t worry about me. If past experience is any indication of future events I can assure you that I’ll get my cut of the increased benefit to society at-large. Seriously... I'll be just fine.

That’s how feminism (equality) helps me.

So why claim: “Girls are Stupid”? Well, as a feminist, I dream of a world that has the necessary pre-conditions that make the following notions as archaic as burning witches:

• I don’t ever want to see a 13 year-old girl become bulimic because her “girlfriends” say she is too fat.
• I never want to see a high school girl think it’s OK to call another girl a “slut” because she chooses to have sex, or a "pussy" because she chooses not to do something stupid or risky.
• I’ve no desire to see some drunken college girl punch a guy at a frat party just because she knows that “guys don’t hit back” - oh yes they do.
• I cannot abide a beautiful woman thinking and acting as though she is entitled to (and demands) special treatment solely on the basis that she has “a nice rack and a hot ass”.
• I will not tolerate open discussions about how to "trap yourself a man" or how to "take him to the cleaners" when you divorce him.
• I will not forgive women who vote against their own self interest in order to preserve their temporary comfort as a “protected class” or “the fairer sex”.

I see it every day. Women, you are in very many ways your own worst enemies. Equality is reciprocity ladies. You can’t demand true equality but not want to be eligible for the draft. I know that there is an entire system designed (purposefully) to set you against yourselves. But you know what? You’re not alone. We’ve all had to overcome obstacles and rise to the occasion (me much less so that others, though I’ve had my share). But seriously… deal with it. Or put another way: “Man up!”

You have the opportunity, the numbers and (based on my experience) the patience to make true equality a reality. Stop “demanding” it and start “doing” it. If not for yourselves, then please… please do it for me.

I could really use the help.

Greek Tradgedy

The world is catching Olympic fever. Which is appropriate because it’s making me ill. I have a really hard time getting excited about the Olympics. I am not sure why. I am un-moved by the spirit of the games and the unity of global competition. Maybe it’s because in these difficult times, it’s sometimes hard to focus on the big picture. It could be that I am simply too pre-occupied with my daily life to appreciate the magical nature of the planet coming together as one while embracing the tradition and spirit of sportsmanship and personal achievement. Or, it could be that I don’t give a shit because they are boring, stupid and pointless.

As a child, I had always imagined that the Olympics were about determining who is the best in the World at something... something important. I got that stuck in my head and there it has remained all these years. Perhaps it’s because this is what they were originally designed to do… find out who are the fastest, strongest and most enduring athletes on the planet. However, in an effort to completely avoid learning this information, the IOC has provided us with the modern Olympic Games. The Olympics shouldn’t be about just anything. Given enough time I could be the best in the World at throwing water balloons into a top-hat while moon-walking. In fact, I may already be. Now imagine this stupid, ridiculous and pointless activity being called a sport and split up into the “Ten Yard Women’s Pairs Water Balloon Moon-walk Hat Toss” and the “Men’s Singles Two-Yard Combined Moon-walk Hat Toss Team Relay”. I guess what I am really driving at here is: Why the hell do I care about who can ride a sled down a tube of ice the fastest? What the hell does that prove? “Hey everyone, gravity exists!”

There are fifteen categories of sanctioned sports in this year’s Olympics. Within these categories there are over 300 individual competitions. That’s 300 gold medals. So there are 300 of the best in the world. There can’t be 300 of the best in the world. It’s too many. It means they are equally bad. The Olympics need to adhere to “Highlander Rules”. There can be only one. There is only one best skier, ice skater and hockey player. There are no team sports or referees in my vision of the Olympics. There is no “opinion” around any of this. I can take those 300 + events and get them down to a meaningful and manageable number with a few simple rules:

No Team Sports

There should be no team sports in the Olympics. What if you are by far the best hockey player in the world, but your teammates suck? Well then my friend, you suck too. That sucks.

No Referees or Judges

No sport that requires a referee should be allowed. If you can’t physically time it or mark its distance with a laser pointer and an atomic clock it’s got no place in the Olympics. This isn’t about someone’s opinion on a rule or a style, this should be about accomplishing something concrete.

One Event Per Sport

There need be only one event for each sport. If you ski, then you need to win a ski race. That’s it. Whoever gets to the bottom of the hill fastest wins. That man or woman is the best skier. Done.

No Gender Discrimination

There are no men’s events or women’s events… there are only events. I believe in equality for all. This isn’t about finding the fastest man and then finding the fastest woman, this is about finding the fastest person.

No Silver or Bronze

This is the Olympics. No one gives a shit if you come in second: “Hey look at me! I’m not as good at this as that other person!”

With those rules in place, what remains is, I think, a salient list of what matters. Here is the new list

-Alpine Skiing: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

-Cross Country Skiing: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Biathlon: Removed due to the fact that cross-country skiing already exists and shooting a gun isn’t a sport.

-Skeleton: Re-named to “Sledding” and called “Fastest Down a Hill”.

-Bobsled: Removed due to the fact that we already have sledding.

-Curling: Removed because it’s a team sport. Replaced with “Who Can Slide this Rock Across the Ice the Furthest?”

-Speed Skating: “First To Cross the Finish Line Race”

-Figure Skating: Removed because it requires judges and because dancing is also not a sport.

-Freestyle Skiing: Removed because it requires judges and because the best skier already won the skiing race.

-Hockey: Removed because it is both a team sport and requires referees. Replaced with “Bare-Knuckled Boxing on Ice Skates”

-Luge: Removed because it is just another variant of sledding and is, apparently, extremely dangerous.

-Ski Jumping: “Jump the Farthest on Skis”

-Nordic Combined: Cross country skiing AND ski jumping… I think we’ve got it covered, thanks.

-Short Track Speed Skating: Removed because Speed Skating is already an event.

-Snowboarding: “Get to the Bottom First Race”

That’s it. There you have it. Three hundred events reduced to 8. We could get this done on a Saturday afternoon and move on with our lives. Having a gold medal would actually mean something and we could all stop worrying about whether or not some Romanian ice dancer used enough styling gel for his hair-do, and instead point to 8 people at a single award ceremony and say: “Hey, you are actually the best in the world.” Now that’s something I would gladly DVR and watch at a time and place of my choosing without commercial interruption.

Beer & Self-Loathing

Sometimes I marvel at my ability to accept the absurd simply because it’s universal. It seems everyone else accepts it, therefore, it’s perfectly, well… acceptable. This is a lie. Instead of saying: “Boy, it sure is cold out there, but isn’t the snow beautiful?”, we should be running around with our arms flailing in the air and screaming: “Holy shit! The temperature is so low that water cannot retain it’s liquid state! Humans are made of mostly water. This is a huge fucking problem!” But for some reason we just accept it as Winter in MN. Well, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe this simply isn’t okay. Of course, this collective state of psychosis-induced denial goes much deeper than merely tolerating a giant dump-truck barreling down the road pouring 2 metric tonnes of salt onto the ground. No, this ubiquitous shroud of denial has a whole other level of complexity.

Why is it that absolutely everything I enjoy is bad? I am unable to think of a single thing that I like which is good for my health or otherwise contributes positively to my life. Not one. It is a universal truth that we all accept for some reason. If it tastes good, it’s unhealthy, if it feels good it’s dangerous. Why has the Universe conspired against us so? Why is it that celery doesn’t taste like ice cream? Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice slice of watermelon, but it simply can’t compete with a chocolate fudge brownie covered with whipped cream.

I love beer. So naturally, it makes me fat, earns me a hangover and gives me diarrhea. Why? Why didn’t we evolve biologically such that beer clears up acne, stops tooth decay and makes you better looking? Note: beer only makes others better looking—yet another dangerous side-effect.

The notion that everything good is actually bad has been so ingrained in our species that even small children understand the concept. As a child I recall thinking that if the medicine tastes just aweful, it must be making me feel better. Pain was immediately translated into a long-term benefit. In fact, the more painful or distasteful something is, the more value we tend to ascribe to its positive effects. This is preposterous.

The universal acceptance of this concept is not only mysterious and baffling, but it is also the root-cause of most human suffering. We accept this idea and then act it out. That’s why so many religious movements require suffering and sacrifice here on Earth… to demonstrate a loyalty to God. Only through misery can we obtain the long-term benefits of the after-life. In fact, I am beginning to believe that a Universe so bent on denying us enjoyment could only be constructed by a supreme being, or God. That’s the only thing that makes any sense. There’s no reasonable explanation for life to have evolved in such a way as to provide us with a cheeseburger, only to have it clog our arteries and kill us. Why would that happen naturally? It wouldn’t.

I have had a revelation. It’s clear to me now, that the mere existence of bacon is proof that there is a God… a God who hates us.

When You're Right, You're Right.

Last weekend I went to Chicago for the annual Strictly Sail show. It’s where rich assholes get together and talk about their sailing yachts and poor assholes go to look at boats they can’t afford. I of course, am in the latter category. The drive in and out of the city along the I-90 toll-way reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten about… Republicans aren’t always wrong. You see, over the last ten years Republicans have behaved like complete jack-asses. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when being a Republican didn’t necessarily make you a total douche bag. That time was 1993. Since then, we’ve witnessed an era of progressively more entrenched Republican douche-baggery the likes of which have never been seen. As such, it is easy to forget that the idea of personal and governmental responsibility isn’t such a bad notion. Reducing the amount of governmental waste and the likelihood of corruption can actually be a good thing. Unfortunately, the current crop of conservatives have gone so far off the deep-end that it’s hard to see the value in anything they support because it’s just so damn likely to be something ridiculous, racist, classist or otherwise intentionally ignorant.

So to my liberal friends out there I present a case-study on liberal politics and corruption that explains precisely what these conservatives are always bitching about.

As we approach Chicago along the I-90 / 94 corridor, we begin to see notices of the impending toll-way. Time to get out the roll of quarters and get ready for some good old fashioned inconvenience. Now for anyone from the Chicago area this will be old news. But for me, here in this little backwater town of Minneapolis, it was a new experience. We come to the first toll booth, hand over our $1.00 and are on our way. This felt like about 100 miles outside of the city. It was shortly thereafter that I realized I needed to use the loo. But exit after exit, nothing. No McDonald’s, no gas stations, no Motel 6’s to be found. Then I realized why. You see, there is an exit toll to leave the highway as well. This is so that people don’t exit before the toll station, then get back on afterward to avoid paying the toll. Makes sense I guess, if you NEED a toll road, I guess you would have to do this to avoid messy traffic along the side roads near toll booth stops. I also realized that the existence of these exit tolls however, made the road-side fast food joint or gas station obsolete. No one wants to stop for a cheeseburger or a slushy if it costs them an additional $1.00 plus the hassle of paying it to a machine or person again. They would rather wait.

This of course means that for the next 100 miles, you have to “hold it”. Except... lo’! In the distance, like a beacon of hope I saw a sign for the “Oasis”. It’s a supercharged rest-stop with everything you could want. It’s got a gas station, ample parking, and wide range of fast food--from Chinese take-out and McDonalds to little gift shops selling snacks and T-shirts. And this exit required no toll. The “Oasis” actually spanned the freeway which I am sure wasn’t cheap to build. I used the well-kept facility, grabbed a snack, topped off the gas tank and was on my way. No charge to get back onto I-90 either. As we drove on, I noticed another “Oasis” on the horizon. Curious about this first experience, we stopped for a look around. As I suspected, this one was identical. Same shops, same layout, same brands, same prices… the same. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I see exact replicas I sense the presence of a massive government works project. The faint smell of government corruption and inefficiency. I’m sure you know the smell. It kind of smells like… a Teamster. And sure enough, right there on the side of the building, the plaque proudly proclaimed that this “Oasis” was a public/private partnership brought to us by (then) Governor Rod Blagojevech. Like he stamped his name on the side of the building as if to proclaim to the world: “Ha! I fucked you again!” I felt like I just got sucker-punched.

So here was my guess as to how this whole thing went down:

- “We need to raise more revenue to maintain the highway.”

- “No Problem, let’s make it a toll road.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

1 year later…

- “Ummm, all the gas stations and restaurants for 100 miles just went out of business, there’s no place to pee! Oh, and it looks like we just put a bunch of people out of work.”

- “ No Problem. We’ll build some special rest areas and call it an “Oasis”.”

- “Perfect. Done.”

3 months later…

- “Hey, how are we going to pay for those fancy “Oasis” stops? I mean, who’s going to build them?”

- “No Problem. We’ll use the money from the toll road to pay for them.”

- “Perfect. Done… err, wait. Now how are we going to pay for the roads?

- “No Problem. We get Federal money for that anyway.”

- “Oh… so wait a minute, then why did we need to build the toll-way in the first place? It seems like all we accomplished was to put hard working small business owners out of business, inconvenience commuters and create an entirely unnecessary regulatory agency to manage a bloated infrastructure that delivers no net benefit to society.”

- “Yep. You’re welcome! Don’t worry, it all works out because the construction work created union jobs and moved chain-restaurants into non-competitive contracts for which, in exchange, they donated generously to my campaign. So you see, it all works out in the end. Like I said… no problem.”

Well I’ll tell you what... I’ve got a fucking problem… and I don’t even live there. Like I said this is just my guess as to how this went down. After some research I learned that in reality, the depth and breadth of the corruption extends far beyond the ex-governor. Companies were put into bankruptcy, money changed hands under the table and in general this whole nightmare of an experiment in inconvenience is far far more sinister than my pathetic imagination could have guessed.

Here’s a few links that just barely scratch the surface of this fiasco:

Toll Road News

Chicago Tribune

Chicago Business

So hats off to you my Republican friends. You’ve got this feather in your cap. Here’s your shining example of government in action. Now that said, please remember that just because this happened, doesn’t necessarily mean that absolutely everything that government does is bad. Let me say this again, just to be clear here; we still need government. You can’t use this as an excuse to cut the marginal tax rate to zero and abolish the Department of Education. And to my even more conservative tea-party type readers let me say this. Just because this happened in the State of IL, does not mean that it was Obama’s fault. Stop doing that shit! You see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes it so damn hard to take you seriously.