Something happened. I don’t know what it was precisely that set it off, but for some reason or another the politically conservative in the United States have gone absolutely bat-shit fucking crazy. Not the normal kind of crazy we’ve come to expect. No this is a special, new mutant crazy that is as contagious as the Swine Flu but much more dangerous. I can hear the drum beats of a hundred million screaming barbarians pouring out of the gates of Mordor into our streets, office parks and shopping malls. The really scary part is these people have been walking among us and we didn’t even know it. Sure we saw the occasional nut-job jumping up and down, frothing at the mouth and stammering about some global conspiracy. But these people were few and far between and easy to recognize. For the most part we saw our fellow citizens as something else. Maybe a little off-kilter, but for the most part seemingly normal, harmless people going about the daily business of being… well, humans. We were wrong. They are zombies.
That’s right. The zombies have arrived. They were infected by the Zombie King and have now become zombies themselves. They have a single-minded sense of purpose. You can’t argue with them, debate them or reason with them. You can’t change their perspective or show them another way to look at things. You can’t simply amicably agree to disagree or expect compromise of any kind. No, all you can do is put on a helmet, grab a baseball bat and run for your life, because they care about one thing and one thing only—eating your brain. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean this figuratively. This is not my attempt at metaphor. These people are real, brain-eating zombies and they are out to fucking get you.
So how did this happen? What could have stirred the cauldron of conservative craziness to the point where we would actually become infested with brain-eating zombies? You may ask: “Who is this Zombie King of which you speak?”
Sarah Palin.
Yep. That’s it. That’s what happened. Sarah Palin happened. That’s how this started. At some point she infected the Republican party and together with their werewolf counterparts (Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck) have created a zombie super-virus that can be spread just by hearing their vitriolic ranting. It’s a powerful virus that infects the weakest and most vulnerable among us; the un-educated, the rural poor, Wal-Mart shoppers. All this virus requires to infect these people is a little ignorance and a little fear. It’s the time-tested breeding ground for zombie-based pathogens throughout history. Why do you think they always end up in Texas? Sarah Palin showed these people that even if you’ve already eaten your own brain, there are still plenty of others out there that can be consumed by conflated logic.
You heard me right, I said "Zombie King". What... you thought Sarah Palin was a woman?
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