Oh The Weather Outside is Frightful... So Fuck Off!

It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am a victim of “SAD”--Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. I had to look that up because I really think it should be pronounced the same but the acronym should read “SED”. I guess it just doesn’t roll off the tongue as nicely. I know Spring is in the air. I have previously written about the hope and optimism the season brings as if I was Barack Obama himself. This morning as I peered out my window to see the heavy snow falling I remembered why I hate hope and optimism. I’m just so sick of being dissapointed. I’m not sure to whom I should attribute this quote… perhaps it’s me: “Optimists are always dissapointed, while pessimists are pleasantly surprised.” There are a whole class of people who claim: “I love the Winter! I love to go out and cross-country ski and go ice fishing and snowmobiling and walking along the frozen shore of an ice-covered lake.”

Those people piss me off.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being outdoors; camping, boating, hiking as much as anyone. But in the winter? I sense some sort of contrived attempt to hide the appearance of SAD amongst these people. I mean, no one really enjoys freezing their ass off and excercising at the same time do they? “Hey look at me! I’m fit and in-shape and enjoy outdoor winter activities. Aren’t I an optimistic go-getter getting the most of life?” No, you’re an annoying, self-delusional liar and we all know it.

Bite me.

Back to my point. I have SAD. I get depressed and consumed by a sense of ennui and morose internal reflection: “What have I done with my life?” “What have I accomplished?” “Where did my hopes and dreams of a life filled with love and adventure go?”. You know… the usual shit one goes through when they haven’t seen the sun or felt the warm evening breeze in forty days and forty nights. I’m not alone. It’s to be expected when you live in a place like Minnesota (or God help you, North Dakota). But there is a point in the season where my Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder starts to become Meteorological Affectiveness Disorder and instead of walking around all sullen and despondent, I’m just… pissed off. “Fuck you winter! Get the hell off my front lawn!”

It’s these last days of winter when it is, in fact, actually spring that really get me MAD. I’m not feeling introspective, I’m feeling MAD. I am just about done with this. The only small amount of joy I take in a late season heavy snow fall (eight inches forecasted for today) is that those annoying snow-shoeing winter activity people are exhausted by now. The fraudulent front of optimism has been worn down. They can no longer maintain the lie and they fall victim to SAD themselves. The usually up-beat, stupid, happy grin on their faces is replaced with a malaise and a grimace that I recognize immediately. In the true spirit of schadenfreude, I find a sense of calming satisfaction in their suffering. “Don’t like all this snow huh? Wish it was warm? Sick of shoveling and scraping windows and cold, wet socks?”

Welcome to winter.

Small = Cute

I am sure somewhere there is a detailed explanation of this--either from some scholarly journal of psychology or, more likely, from a particularly astute comedian. Same thing.

The stereotype here is that this is a “girl thing”. As usual, the stereotype is correct. We have all noticed that women embrace the word cute much more than men. Ladies, men don’t like being called “cute” to our faces. Like the words ‘menstruation’ or ‘commitment’; cute is word better left spoken only to your girlfriends. In other words, calling a man cute is exactly the same as saying he has a small penis.

For some reason absolutely anything small is cute. As many of you know, I recently purchased a Cooper Mini. “It’s so cute!” Like a kitten, or a Keebler Elf. If the value of money were set by women, the dime would be the most valuable denomination.

As a man, I have struggled with the reason for this all my life. Why the hell is ANYTHING small immediately and unquestionably “cute”? The answer is so simple. It’s part of the genetic, instinctive desire to possess, create and care for something small. A baby.

Babies aren’t cute because they are small. Small things are cute because they are like babies.

I guess this is typically why men like things to be large. We hate babies.

I See Drunk People

So yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day--or as I prefer to call it: “rookie night”. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Irish culture. There’s something beautiful about an entire people dedicated to drinking themselves silly and getting into a fist fight with their own family members. I’ve spent my fair share of time in Irish pubs; it’s my preference for 364 days of the year. But on rookie night, I’d rather French-kiss the urine encrusted Blarney Stone than spend my time watching 25 year old girls vomiting green beer into their own shoe.

As Americans we have, for some reason, really embraced the Irish culture. But I just don’t see how. I mean, I like strong beer and the sound of bagpipes in the morning… but I get the impression that most of America doesn’t. So what gives? I mean, what has this wonderful culture given us that the typical, American St. Patrick’s Day reveler appreciates? I mean, I don’t see Guinness out-selling Miller Light any time soon, and I certainly don’t expect men to take to the streets en masse wearing kilts. I don’t expect to see hip-hop replaced by Celtic classics. So really, this is just an excuse to behave like a stupid, pathetic drunk--which is too bad since these rookies don’t have the necessary drinking skills to pull it off with anything approximating a true Irishmen’s skill.

Going to an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day is as fun as a barrel full of monkeys. You must realize however, that a bunch of angry, drunk monkeys crammed into a barrel will start flinging their own feces at you and clawing each other’s eyes out.

Peek-a-boo

Every now and then I need to take a moment to acknowledge a good idea when I see one. I have seen one: http://www.barseenlive.com/. It hasn’t really taken off yet, but the idea is outstanding. You put web cams in bars around town, charge a small fee to the bar and allow people at home take a gander at the goings on of your establishment. "Should I go there? Is it too busy? Not busy enough? Will I get a table? Is Frank working tonight?" Awesome.

The site was featured in the Pioneer Press today. Though the article is a little heavy on the cheeky side of the technology, the possibilities are there to make this a success should the local bar scene take to it without fear.

This is the next generation of .com start up. We’ll see how it plays out. If they can build a proper business model and generate some ad revenue they should do well. If not, well it’s another good idea gone the way of the dodo.

Melting Madness

As I stepped outside for a mid-afternoon constitutional I noticed a certain spring in my step--a spring that is in step with spring itself. The first real melting of the snow—the first real sign of spring. My senses were awakened with a sound I have not heard in many months, the sounds of a babbling brook… or in this case, the sound of dirty, melting snow and ice plummeting down the storm drain.

I walked to the drain and saw the melting pile of dirty, black, garbage-strewn snow at the side of the road gently—reluctantly-giving itself up and returning to its liquid state. As if the city is slowly cleansing itself; washing off four months of funk and stalled decay. There was something symbolic in it as I watched the melting water pour down the drain carrying cigarette butts, empty plastic bags and myriad tidbits of the accumulated dirt and grime of the city into its bowels.

It seemed to me like all the frustrations, irritations, inconveniences and troubles of winter were hidden within that snow bank on the side of the road. The accumulated ill-will of our metropolitan collective was being swept away in a small torrent of cleansing, dirty-brown water.

Though I have no doubt the snow will come again before this spring has sprung, this small respite provides some sense of hope--a sense of better things and better days to come.

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. I can’t wait.

Boom!

As promised, it’s high time we address the issue of old people, and how much they irritate me. First we must define the term “old people”. For the purposes of this discussion, “old people” are defined as anyone older than me. That definition will hold true until such time as I am dead. But let’s start with the Baby Boomers. God I hate the Baby Boomers. They exhibit, in large part, what I hate about old people in general—this ignorant sense of self-entitlement and smug superiority. That’s really what it comes down to. They’re not the “Greatest Generation”. They are that generation's annoying kids. They are the generation that hoarded all the goodies from the piñata of post-WWII America, piled them up in a big field and set them on fire.

Thanks.

These people have no concept of what life is like for anyone younger than them. They have given their progeny the gift of a lower quality of life. For the first time in America (as far I can tell) their children are not going to have it better than they did. The selfish bastards. We are going backward and they don’t see it. They sit back and scratch their Rogaine-covered heads in bewteen sipping a Stabuck's latte and getting their Viagra prescription refilled wondering aloud: “Why can’t my kids seem to buy a house or afford college? When I was their age, I owned my own home had a college degree and already had children.” Maybe it’s because a new house doesn’t cost $30,000 any more and that the cost of a college education is roughly equivalent to the gross domestic product of Albania.

Do they realize that no one under 40 even thinks about Social Security? It’s not even considered. It’s just another tax. Like a user-fee at the library (remember libraries?). We just assume that all that money we are paying is going to go help somebody else or go toward some great public service. It’s not that we don’t think we’ll ever see any of that money again; it’s that we know we won’t. As such, it doesn’t even occur to us to think about it. Of course, if we did think about it we’d realize where all that money is going… to the Baby Boomers. The same self-important egomaniacal, irresponsible pricks that gave us this standard of living we are enjoying today.

Every time I hear one of these “old people” talk about the “good old days” and how younger people simply can’t handle responsibility, it makes me want smash a Neil Diamond album over their heads, tie an ascot around their necks and drag them bodily behind their Volvo through the streets of Maple Grove.

So thank you Baby Boomers. Thanks for the culture of distrust and for sucking every ounce of marrow from our economic future. Because you fucked everyone you met, we can’t fuck anyone. Thanks for that as well. I can’t wait to sit my grandkids on my lap and tell them stories about what life was like before we had to live in the dome.

As for the “Greatest Generation”… you raised these people. Thanks a lot assholes.

Bad Boys

I have been watching this show “Jail” on the TruTV network whose slogan is “Not reality… actuality!” Can I just give that a great big WTF? Something horrible has happened. We’ve completely twisted the word “reality” to mean its opposite via the moniker “Reality Television”. Here we go with the destruction of language rant once more. This ties into my analysis of the show “Jail” nicely. If you haven’t seen this show, essentially they put a TV camera crew in a county jail and film the prisoners interact with the corrections officers from when they enter until they (eventually) get placed in their cell.

Disclaimer: I understand that these corrections officers are doing a difficult and often dangerous job, dealing with some of the most beligerant and annoying people in the world. They receive training to deal with situations that most of us have never considered and this training dictates, to a large degree, their actions.

That said, these people are violent pychopathic assholes.

You simply have to watch this program with a critical eye. There is no reason to treat a fellow human being in this manner. They routinely beat the living shit out of these people for doing nothing more than flinching or stumbling. Most of these people are drunk of course and are reacting to how they are being treated. It is the assumption of hostility that leads to this cycle of violence. In other words, it is assumed that everyone there being incarcerated is a deesprate, violent and hostile criminal that needs to be physically thrown to the ground and have their arms and wrists twisted 180 degrees backwards in order to get them to comply with any given order. As it turns out this is usually what it takes. But the reason is that neither party has the ability to effectively communicate with the other.

They are not using language that conveys what they want in a way the other party can understand. When this happens, the guards get mad, start yelling at the prisoners and treating them in a sub-human fashion. Naturally, these already agitated prisoners react with hostility (even just an angry gesture or way of talking is enough) which immedialy leads to three or more guards jumping the guy and practically breaking his arms while tazering him, during which time they are screaming ”Comply--stop resisting!”… meanwhile the prisoners who are now in an immense amount of pain are crying out: “I’m not resisting, you’re breaking my arm!” A calm, intelligent person would be able to deal with 90% of these scenarios without it leading to physical violence against a fellow human being. But who has that kind of patience?

The thing is, it’s easy to dismiss these people as losers, drunks, addicts and criminals and therefore not give a shit about what happens to them. It’s easy to laugh at their pain. But if a society is really to be measured by how it treats its prisoners, then we are in trouble.

Here’s what concerns me. I can only assume that these corrections facilities are allowing cameras to show what they think is perfectly acceptable violence against prisoners. In other words, we are seeing the nice stuff they consider to be reasonable and well within the legal and ethical boundaries of such an environment. What happens when the cameras are off?

This assumption of hostility that invariably creates the hostility in the first place is endemic to government institutions everywhere. From the police to the impound lot to the DMV. This is why people hate government; it’s unnecesarily controlling, mean-spiritied and one-sided. This is why people don’t care, don’t vote and give up being productive members of society. Which is, of course, how they end up featured on the show “Jail”.

Help! I Need This Man to Protect Me! !! !!!! !

So in the spirit of civic involvement, I wrote to my State Representative about this mobile phone usage while driving bill. For some reason this little piece of legislation has gotten me all worked up. I don’t know why, maybe I have just had enough with the unnecessary laws (and unnecessary exclamation points) and random fines and fees and expenses that are foisted upon us for no damn good reason. The bill’s author--Representative Mike Jaros (DFL-Duluth) was quick to reply, so quick in fact that it is clear he didn’t read my letter. If anyone in Duluth is reading this, please… do something about this guy.

In the interest of open and transparent government/citizen interaction, I thought I’d share with you the detailed, measured and intelligent response I received. From the man who brought us the child safety harness for shopping cart legislation, I present the honorable Representative Mike Jaros (DFL):

>>> >>> >>> FROM: "Scott" 2/22/2008 4:58 PM >>>

Representative Paymar,

I am writing to urge you to vote against the pending legislation authored by Representative Mike Jaros that would ban handheld mobile phone usage while driving. The legislation is ill-conceived and unnecessary. As I understand it, it is already illegal to drive recklessly regardless of the cause. Representative Jaros argues that phone usage causes as many auto accidents as drunk driving. I think he may be right, but that sounds more like an argument for changing our draconian DUI laws that it does a justification for criminalizing yet another basic activity. This legislation will have the effect of forcing already struggling families to purchase equipment for their cars or phones they do not need, or pay hefty fines. It is not the guy the driving the new Lexus that this law will hurt, rather poorer people who can least afford this. His statement that going hands-free, with a dashboard device or headset, shouldn't be a difficult transition for drivers--"They're not expensive, much cheaper than the cell phone. You only pay it once, not every month."-- is laughable to someone driving around in 1988 Buick. I just don't think he has thought through the unforeseen consequences of this seemingly harmless legislation.

That aside, what about the other devices or distractions equally or more disruptive? Have you ever tried to use an iPod while driving? It's infinitely more distracting than a cell phone. Do we need a law that makes it illegal to remove a pull-over sweater while driving? He seems to think that if you don't have both hands on the wheel at all times you're a menace to the public. Obviously he drives an automatic and thinks everyone else does as well. The slippery slope is self-evident here. It may not be his intention to create a precedent that leads to more unnecessary laws, but as I am sure you can attest, someone else will use this law as an excuse to ban something else that will serve only to line the pockets of the state coffers or some specific lobbying interest with the hard earned money of those who can least afford it.

If he insists on pursuing this ridiculous legislation, I would encourage you to speak to the merits of the bill and suggest that if phone usage is as an egregious danger to our society as drunk driving it should carry the same punishments. I propose mandatory prison sentences for repeat offenders. I mean after all, doesn't our safety outweigh everything else? Creating this culture of fear and sacrificing personal freedom and liberties in pursuit of our "security" or "safety" is right out of George W. Bush's playbook. I would expect a DFL legislator of Representative Jaros' tenure to understand the inherent flaw with this reasoning and I sincerely hope you do as well.

Thank you.

Regards,

Scott

cc: Representative Mike Jaros


>>> >>> >>>>>> >>> >>>
-----Message-----
From: Mike Jaros [mailto:rep.mike.jaros@house.mn]
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2008 12:23 PM
To: Scott
Subject: Re: Mobile Phone Legislation

Hi Scott,
My bill would not ban cellphone use while driving. You only have to have "hands free" device to talk!!! MJ


>>> >>> >>>>>> >>>
>>> FROM: "Scott" 2/25/2008 1:18 PM >>>

Representative Jaros,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I understand the scope of your bill. I think I made that clear in the text of my correspondence. I hope that you took the time to read the entire letter before responding.

Although I can appreciate your desire to rid the world of distracted drivers, this is not the way to do it. Might I suggest doing some research on the real causes of the problem? Using a hands-free device does not markedly reduce the level of impairment. It does however, provide a mechanism for the State to levy additional fines and force consumers to spend money on hands-free devices.

In other words, your bill would not serve to increase public safety; it would merely serve to increase the financial burden on already strapped citizens. I urge you to re-consider.

If, after performing the necessary research on the subject, you still feel this bill has merit above the costs to your constituents, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. But if you should find that perhaps there are some unforeseen consequences of such an unnecessary bill, I would urge you to withdraw it from consideration.

Thank you.

Scott

>>> >>> >>>>>> >>> >>>
-----Message-----From: Mike Jaros [mailto:rep.mike.jaros@house.mn] Sent: Monday, February 25, 2008 1:26 PMTo: ScottSubject: RE: Mobile Phone Legislation

Thanks for your letter. I did not think that seat belts would be affective and that people would not use them.
They have been very affective and have prevented injuries and deaths. I believe my bill would do the same. I read recently that there are just as many people killed with cell phone abuse as drunk driving!!Best wishes, MJ

>>> >>> >>>>>> >>> >>>
-----Message-----
From: Scott
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2008 4:07 PM
To: 'Mike Jaros'Subject: RE: Mobile Phone Legislation

Representative Jaros,

First, let me thank you for your prompt replies. It is refreshing to see a legislator who responds so directly and promptly--particularly with someone outside your district.

That being said, I think you will agree that the jury is still out on the root cause of the distraction, as the research shows most studies seem to conclude that it is the act of the conversation that is distracting not the holding of the device. This is my point. Having a hands-free device does not mitigate the distraction of the conversation. Further, there are much more insidious distractions out there to focus on. Finally, it is clear that you don’t have a lot of experience with mobile technology. There is no "hands-free" set for many phones out there. Some use headphones (like the iPhone) which are already illegal to wear while driving. Many do not support blue tooth devices. Integration of my phone into my car would cost me over $1,500... and that's only because I have a new car. If I had an old beater, I would have no recourse but to not use my phone at all. In other words, if you're rich go ahead and dangerously chat away. If you're poor, it's going to cost you.

So if you're poor and cannot afford a new car or a phone that supports some particular technological solution you can’t use your phone. Which we both know won’t happen. What will happen is that the people who get pulled over for infractions most frequently (minorities and the poor who drive older model cars) are going to have to pay the hefty fine.

I understand that you had proposed a bill banning their use all-together last session. Although I would be hard-pressed to support that, it would at least be consistent with what you are trying to do. I fear that what you wanted to do was to protect people and reduce accidents. Once it became clear that your bill would not pass as originally written, you compromised the usefulness out of your bill.

Now it is just an inconvenient and costly irritant to the poorest among us. Like I said, the guy in the new Lexus already has a "hands free" set built into his car. It's the poor guy in the old beater who can barely pay his rent that is going to get hit with this.

I thank you again for your reply. I do not want to take up any more of valuable time. If you choose to reply or offer your thoughts they are welcome. Otherwise, I appreciate the time you have taken to listen to my concerns.

Respectfully,

Scott

-----Original Message-----
From: Mike Jaros [mailto:rep.mike.jaros@house.mn]
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 9:58 AM
To: Scott
Subject: RE: Mobile Phone Legislation

Hi Scott; thanks for the information again. I realize that talking on the phone is a problem, but we have to get something on the books to make people think before they do such distraction while driving. Hopefully we can ban talking entirely some day, but it si tough to pass even this bill. Text messaging is the worst!!! Best.. Mike
-------------------------

Well MJ, I am just about done with this dialogue!!! It's clear that you're not interested in the details or the facts!! I hope you are clean on this. I hope your 401K doesn't own Verizon stock or that you're not an investor in some company that makes hands free devices!!! But mostly, I hope that voters of Duluth will wise up and find someone who actually thinks through the repercussions of the legislation they pass.

Unsafe At Any Speed

Minnesota State Representative Mike Jaros (DFL-Duluth) has been kind enough to put forward a bill designed to protect me from the menace of vehicular mobile phone mayhem. The goal is to ban mobile phones for use while driving--but just the hand-held variety. If you have a hands-free set you’re fine. He tried to ban them entirely last year: "I had it so you couldn't use the cell phone at all," Jaros told KARE 11, "And I changed it to hands-free, you could still use the cell phone but you can not hold on to it."

His argument is that the distracting nature of holding the device causes as many (if not more) car crashes as drunk driving in Minnesota. The statistics bear that out. This is typically the case across the country. So, he’s right about that. But that sounds to me like a case for changing the DUI laws rather than finding new things to criminalize. He went on to say that it may be inconvenient for some people (Jaros himself doesn’t own a cel. phone), but it’s a small sacrifice to ensure our safety.

The language of the bill he proposes is straightforward enough: "No person may use a mobile telephone while operating a motor vehicle that is in motion unless the mobile telephone is equipped and used with a hands-free device."

Well thank fucking God for this guy.

Someone needs to check to find out if this guy owns stock in a company that sells hands-free devices. Since this practice is such a menace, on par with drunk driving, I think it is only fitting that the punishment for talking on your phone while driving be analogous to DUI punishments. I mean, that makes sense right? If they are equally responsible for car crashes and the damage to our society, then let’s treat them as such.

I've seen people get in their cars with their phones after talking all night. They must have had at least 6 conversations before they got behind the wheel. Then they proceed to talk WHILE they drive. I mean, there's simply no excuse.

First offense is a misdemeanor if you are caught talking for more than .08 hours. You'll receive a $500 fine and 48 hours of community service with at least 4 hours of jail time. We should encourage insurance companies to double your rate and you’ll have to hire a lawyer for $3,000 to plead your case. You also need to spend 2 afternoons in a classroom to learn all about the dangers of phone- driving (this only costs another $300—make your check payable to Mothers Against Mobile Mayhem). You will have one year probation with a 3 month suspended sentence. So if you get caught again you will automatically go to prison for 90 days.

Second offense, refusing the phone inspection or talking longer than .12 hours is a gross misdemeanor resulting in all of the above, but with a mandatory 30 day prison term. That’s right, you’re going to prison my friend. It’s like committing aggravated assault except with jail time.

Third offense is a felony. Just like robbing a bank, shooting someone in the arm or setting a school on fire. The punishment for such a heinous crime is up to the judge, but at a minimum you are going to prison for at least a year…. typically three to five.

But why stop there? I mean has Representative Jaros ever used an iPod? Those are some damn engaging devices that not only require you to use your hands, but one must also look directly at it…much more distracting than talking on a phone. What about an iPhone? Holy shit! It’s the mother of all roadway distractions! What about applying make-up? Ladies, you know you shouldn’t do that, I think a little time behind bars might teach you a lesson. I for one, use my electric razor in the car. Yep, I’m one of those guys and I need to be punished. Since the problem seems not to be the conversation, but rather the use of one of your hands, shouldn’t we make it mandatory to keep both hands on the wheel at all times? We need an immediate ban on manual transmissions.

Until these appropriate and reasonable punishments are applied to this menacing problem, I simply won’t feel safe. I encourage you to write your legislators and tell them to enact these penalties for the crime of Phoning & Driving.

A Place Called Hope

I think we all realize there’s something terribly broken with our country. But I question our collective ability to really put our finger on it. We know something is wrong but we’re not quite sure what. Sure there are specific things we all have... a laundry list of our own personal pet issues. But I sometimes think we are losing sight of the big picture. In our zeal to figure out the details I think we’re missing the basics. Hence the almost cult-like draw of Barack Obama.

It’s like America has cancer and this is the guy telling us everything is going to be alright. He’s selling us hope--and we’re buying. Don’t get me wrong… there’s nothing wrong with hope. Ask any cancer survivor and they’ll tell you how important it is. On the other hand, some times what you want is hope, but what you need is a really good oncologist.

There’s no doubt that something is wrong and that we, as a country have lost ground. Maybe cancer is the wrong metaphor. Maybe the best way to describe this is to imagine that the world is a massive multiplayer video game where all the countries are players. The goal is to improve everything about your country… your standing in the world, the economy, your political and military power, your influence and general well-being of your people. The game has goals that are universal to all players (improve the environment, increase peace and quality of life etc.) and one’s score is based on where they start in the game. Let’s say that eight years ago the U.S. had a score of 1,000 points. Further let’s say that another player… we’ll call him “Player 2” is running Iran and he had a starting score of maybe 200.

Do you get the feeling that maybe our score is now around 700 and Player 2 is up to about 400?

That’s the sort of thing I think we lose sight of. It’s the sort of thing I worry about with Barack Obama. There’s just this sense I get from him that he doesn’t recognize the zero-sum nature of a lot of these issues. Thinking we can just chat it up with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and we’ll suddenly have all this good will and everyone will fall in line is naïve at best and dangerous at worst. I don’t know--I like Obama. He seems smart and articulate and open to new ideas and willing to work for people of this country and the world at large. All in all, the opposite of what we have with President Bush.

But could it be that the current President is so bad that we are just instinctively looking for the opposite. Sometimes I think we are getting blinded by our panic about this cancer of an administration we have today and just desperate to find something… anything that distances us from it. Like searching for hope when what we really need is chemotherapy.