You Are What You Eat

I’m getting more and more confused by the “liberal media”—now referred to (interchangeably) as the “mainstream media”. You hear that term thrown around a lot on TV and radio these days. The Internet is flush with articles and blogs decrying the liberal bias of the “mainstream media”. I did a Google Search on the exact phrase “Mainstream Media”: Results 1 - 10 of about 4,880,000. So there are at least 4.8 million links to articles about this menace not including the Drudge Report. It’s almost gotten to the point where you can’t watch, listen or read anything in the media these days without hearing something about how the media is liberally biased.

My confusion surrounds the insidious and conspiratorial nature of this plague of liberal misinformation and how they let the cat of the bag about their own existence. I am constantly bombarded with news about how “effective” they are at brainwashing Americans and how they work hand-in-hand with the all-powerful Federal Government to foist their leftist/socialist/communist/fascist/Kenyan agenda on us. But these supposedly near-omnipotent controllers of the mainstream media can’t seem to keep their own dirty little secret.

We all recall the terrible liberal media bias of the 2008 Presidential campaign. Oh, “They” try to cover it up with reports by The Center for Media and Public Affairs (CMPA) who found that ABC, NBC and CBS were tougher on Obama than on Republican John McCain during the first six weeks of the general-election campaign. “They” are, no doubt, just another liberal mouthpiece for the left wing. Even the media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR) has challenged CMPA's non-partisan claim, based on the argument that much of its funding has come from conservative sources, and that its founder, Dr. S. Robert Lichter, once held a chair in mass communications at the conservative American Enterprise Institute and was a Fox News contributor. You didn’t hear about that study? No? Hmmm. It must not have been widely reported in the media.

While the three major network’s evening news broadcasts still garner a larger share of the audience during that time slot, Bill O’Reilly has claimed that he has bested at least one of them on occasion. But that’s not the whole story. The important statistic here is not the total numbers who watch during a given time-slot, but rather the total number of hours of news watched. When speaking in those terms, the network evening news programs aren’t even a blip on the screen when compared to the 24x7 cable news channels. Here we see continued shrinking of the major network news audience while MSNBC is growing and CNN is standing pat. Basically, Fox news has three times the viewers of their next closest rival. And with around-the-clock broadcasting it’s downright pervasive.

“Fox News, which launched in 1996, will finish out 2009 with the network's best ratings in its history, averaging 2.2 million Total Viewers in primetime. Compared to the same timeslot in 2008, Glenn Beck is up 96% in total viewers (averaging 2.3 million). Bill O'Reilly, who now makes it 10 years as the top cable news program, was up 13% in Total Viewers with 3.3 million tuning in.” - Kevin Allocca, Mediabistro.com (Data by Nielsen Media Research)

So I guess I have some bad news for the “alternative” media out there — like Rush Limbaugh (the most listened-to radio program in the U.S.) — who seem to fret so much over the liberal bias of the “mainstream media”. You ARE the mainstream media. You are “They”. So what do you have to say for yourselves?

Pants on Fire

When Representative Joe Wilson shouted out the words: “You Lie” to the President of the United States during a joint session of Congress. He did three things. First, he violated Congressional rules, second he demonstrated a lack of common civility and finally, he lied. What the President had just said was, in fact, not a lie at all. Joe just didn’t like it. As time moves forward, Americans are becoming more and more disillusioned with their new President. The expectations may be too high here. I don’t ask for much, I just ask that I not be lied to. That’s pretty much it. I don’t expect my President to tell me the whole truth, just try to avoid directly and blatantly lying to me. So it got me to thinking... what are some of my favorite all-time Presidential lies of the last 30 years?

"In England, if a criminal carried a gun, even though he didn't use it, he was tried for first-degree murder and hung if he was found guilty.” – Ronald Reagan, April 1982. He repeated this lie to The New York Times 4 years later on March 21, 1986.

What makes this lie so wonderful is the fact that he repeated it 4 years after the initial telling. Although, most people would be offended by being told an obviously transparent lie, somehow (maybe because it’s Reagan) the act of repeating it 4 years later and the bald-faced obstinacy he had about it makes the whole thing kind of endearing.

“We did not—repeat, did not—trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we,” - Ronald Reagan, November 1986. Four months later, on March 4, 1987, Reagan admitted in a televised national address, “A few months ago, I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.”

This gem of a lie is notable for the liar’s wondrous ability to tell the lie, admit it was a lie, then deny the lie’s existence. This lie sets the stage for future Presidents who may now claim that the facts and data notwithstanding, the truth is how I choose perceive it. Simply brilliant. As Nietzsche, wrote: "'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that,' says my pride, and remains inexorable. Eventually, memory yields."

“Read my lips: no new taxes!” – George H.W. Bush 1988 Republican National Convention.

So this wasn’t really a lie per se. I mean, at the time it was told, he hadn’t actually approved or signed off on a tax increase. Although, he should have known he would—everyone else did. It’s sort of a retro-active lie. This lie is special because it pretty much sealed the deal for both his election and (four years later) his defeat. In that way this lie is self-correcting.

"Since I was a little boy, I've heard about the Iowa caucuses." – Bill Clinton, who was a graduate student at Oxford when the first Iowa caucus was held in 1972.

This is the kind of little white lie that makes me just want to say “awwww shucks.” I include it here because although it speaks to the man’s instinct to lie, it’s just about the most harmless, adorable little lie I’ve ever heard a sitting President utter.

"I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." – Bill Clinton.

In the grand scheme of things, and in retrospect, this lie seems fairly harmless to everyone but Hillary Clinton. But there’s some context to the lie that the quote doesn’t capture. I remember when he told this lie. He did so on TV—addressing the camera (me) directly. He looked me in the eye, and he pointed his finger at me in an accusing fashion when he lied to me. That kind of pissed me off. It’s one thing to tell a lie, it’s quite another to wag your finger at me when you do it.

Now we come to George W. Bush. I hesitate to comment on or list out all these lies because; for the most part they are still fresh wounds. So here are just two that require no explanation:

"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." --State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

“We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories.” May 29, 2003.

G.W. Bush wins the award for my all-time favorite presidential lie. It's an entirely new kind of compound lie, meaning that it requires two separate statements to make the lie the true classic that it is. Both statements are by themselves lies, but together they create a third, magnificent lie. In this respect, G.W. Bush has actually invented a new form of lying and it is for this innovation that I place the lie at the top of my list:

Lie 1: "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

Lie 2: "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

Magical. 

The Only Thing We Have To Fear.

Throughout the Bush Presidency (either Bush will do) there seemed to be this ethos that Republicans and conservatives were “real men”. Manly men. Not those “girly men” Schwartzeneger always talked about. Republicans were tough. Not just strong on defense, but also strong on offense. They did manly things like hunting and clearing brush. They were the ones with the big ideas—living up to the legacy of Ronald Reagan, another tough-guy, “give ‘em hell”, “win one for the Gipper” hero of the Silver screen and the White house. He had the vision and machismo it took to defeat communism, lower taxes and usher in a new age of prosperity for his beleaguered people. He dissected the world with a broad sword, not a scalpel. Now that’s manly. Hell, Sarah Palin was shooting moose from a helicopter back when Joe Biden was riding the Amtrak to the office. To put it bluntly, Republicans had balls. Conversely, Democrats were whiney little wimps who were afraid of their own shadows and complained about carpel tunnel syndrome. But since the election of President Obama this has all changed. I don’t know how else to say this…

Conservatives are cowards.

You can’t tune to Fox News, or talk radio or the floor of the House of Representatives without hearing about how “afraid” they all are. As Glenn Beck tearfully put it: “I just love my country… and I fear for it.” Conservative bloggers are terrified of health care reform and claim the government is out to kill all the old people and take our children away. How often does a Fox News anchor or commentator start a segment with the words: “Scary news coming out of the White House today…”? More often than you’d think I suspect. I heard Rush Limbaugh say “scary stuff folks”, “it’s frightening”, “this is a nightmare”, “you should be afraid” or some variant on that theme at least a dozen times in a little over an hour. We’ve got right-wing pundits and politicians all over the media talking about how they are “under siege” and struggling to find the strength to “fight back”.

What a bunch of pussies.

If you’re offended by that then you are one of two things: You are either a feminist (in which case you are correct to be offended), or a conservative (in which case you are just being a huge pussy). C’mon… grow a pair guys (that includes you Palin). For some reason as soon as Obama took office you became “afraid” of everything. What happened to that good ol’ big idea mentality? That down-to-earth, man of the people, “real American” optimism and confidence? Where’s your unapologetic, righteous swagger when we need it most? This is America damn it! We are the big-dog, ass-kickin’, war-winnin’, 4-wheelin’ bad asses of the world. What the hell can you possibly be so damned afraid of? I mean, you’ve become so cowardly that your terrified of things that haven’t even happened. In reality, Obama hasn’t actually done anything yet. It’s become a pathological cycle of terror. No one is killing grandma. Homosexuals aren’t going door-to-door and destroying your marriage. Your children aren’t being forced into pagan sex cults.

The complete and total absence of any sort of oppression combined with your perverse belief in some giant tyrannical conspiracy can only be explained by the fact that you must be tremendous cowards. The only other possible explanation would be that you are intentionally attempting to terrorize the American electorate to the point where they become a frightened, unthinking, reactionary mob of mindless automatons that senselessly parrot your ideology so that no actual progress for the benefit of the country can take place, thereby solidifying your chances of an empty political victory in the next election so that you can maintain your power base by capitalizing on the ingrained fear and racism of an ignorant public terrified of the notion of a black man as President… oh wait.

Ohhhhhh. Okay. I get it now. Never mind. Nice move.

Global Drying

In light of the release of several emails from renowned scientists regarding global climate change, and the resulting cries of conspiracy and fraud, I thought I’d take a moment to address environmental issues. Whether or not you subscribe to the belief that climate change is man-made or not, there is really no doubt that the planet’s climate is changing. Some places are getting colder, some hotter, some drier and some wetter. Ice caps are melting. Now I don’t know if this is all the result of increased solar activity combined with a reduction in the ozone layer or if particulate matter is actually causing global dimming to occur that is offsetting human activity. I don’t know if people are to blame. But I suspect that we’re not helping. Let me get directly to my main, important point:

Why the fuck do you need fourteen goddamned square feet of paper towels to dry your hands in the men’s room? Granted only about 50% of men actually wash their hands after using the facilities, but apparently that half of the male population really, really likes to make sure that their hands are dry. You know what I am talking about—the guy who pulls the little paper towel lever in rapid succession about 8 times, dries his hands, then repeats the process. The resulting basketball-sized wad of spent paper is then unceremoniously tossed onto (not into) the overflowing garbage can where it rolls gently onto the floor until, eventually, some underpaid janitor will stuff it into a big, non-biodegradable plastic bag and have it trucked to the landfill where it will spend the next thousand years.

As I write this, I can hear the noise of that little lever: “ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk…”. What’s the thought process here? “I better make sure I get enough paper towels while they’re still free.” Maybe all men are simply OCD. “I CAN’T GET DRY!” Listen, just take one pull from the machine and end it. This isn’t a slot tournament guys. But even worse than the lever-style is the new electronic dispensers, they are already set to deliver five times the required amount of paper towel needed to dry Andre the Giant’s hands, but you still see dudes waving their (already arid) hands over the little sensor to get more. Are they expecting candy or money to come pouring out of that dispenser? I feel like I’m watching a hamster with electrodes hooked up to its neural pleasure center tapping furiously at a little electro-shock switch to get more.

Aside from just plain wastefulness and the lack of concern about conserving something that’s free, I think there’s a mental component to this. If you watch real closely, you can see that the aggressive manner in which the device is activated corresponds to an expression of satisfaction on the user’s face. Like he’s finally in control of something. He’s going show that paper towel dispenser who’s boss. It’s more than the typical (and very manly) tactile joy we get from interacting with a mechanical device… it’s almost domineering. As if to say: “My life is out of control, I don’t know what the hell I am doing, my wife is a tyrannical nag and my boss controls my every move. But here… here in the men’s room, I am in control. Take that you fucking paper towel dispenser! Yeah, that’s right bitch, you’ll give me all the paper towels I want!” Watch for it next time you’re it the men’s room—watch how they approach the machine with a cocky sense of contempt then rip that towel from the grips of the machine with a satisfied flourish.

The bottom line here guys is this... if you need more than 12 square inches of paper towel to dry your hands, you have a medical problem. Oh, and by the way, thanks so much for running through the entire day’s supply of paper towels in the men’s room by 4pm. I guess I’ll just dry my hands on my pants again you inconsiderate prick.